"The thistle is a prickly flower, aye, but how it is sweetly worn."

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sometimes he seems so big....

We were the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. Since January, I've known several friends who've given birth. Jude is 3-4 months older than all these new babies, all boys actually. It's amazing how tiny all these new babies look. I know Jude was once that size, but it is just so hard to wrap my mind around. He's grown so much that it's hard to fathom my baby being that little.
This saddens me. Like all of a sudden my little baby's not so little anymore. And he's growing so rapidly before my eyes that I am forgetting all these moments and how little he once was. Could there be anything sadder than not remembering your baby clearly. All my memories seem to blur together in this continuum of Jude's babyhood. Yet, I know that each moment is so uniquely unlike any other or any other point in his life. I mean honestly, he changes by the week, day even. These fleeting moments are so precious because he is only just like that for such a short little time.

Multiply this realization with the fact that I'm working, and you have the recipe for some tears. It's the end of February practically and this whole working thing is just not getting any easier for me. In fact it might be getting worse. I'm not sure how many more mornings I'm going to cry on my way out the door (usually late). The whole day I'm plagued by thoughts about all I'm missing. I'm so unbelievably jealous of my babysitter because she spends as much awake time with Jude as I do. Maybe more.

I know there is nothing honorable in this revelation, but honesty and confession is part of a Christian's life. The truth is I'm fighting with the seed of bitterness. Not at God or Michael or myself really, just in general. I feel like any day now I'm going to be overcome with the 'why me's?' That kind of thinking won't get me anywhere, obviously, but it is becoming harder and harder to silence within me.

My quiet time's in the morning are generally centered on dear God, please change this somehow. Either, help Michael get a job which eliminates the need for mine, or make me content and happy with where I am. Then I fight the fact that I don't want to be content. I don't want to be content to be away from Jude for 8 hours a day. That would make me feel like a heartless mom.

I try to tell myself that in a couple years it'll happen. That works for 3 seconds before I remember that I will still have missed Jude's infancy and most of his toddlerhood. Sure, I will be there for everything with the next child maybe, but what about Jude. That changes nothing with him. And I'm right back where I started.

So I'm trying to focus on the fact that it may not be what I want long term, but I have a really great job situation for a mom. I usually can leave work by 3:30 and am home by 4:00. That gives me 4-5 hours at night with Jude. Plus, I have plenty of vacation time. We close during inclement weather. And the best part is the summer break. Most jobs just get the 2 weeks sick and vacation leave total, if you're lucky. Teaching is a great job for moms.

But it's still really hard on me. So all that to say, I could really use some prayer if you can spare one, because this whole thing is just so hard. Words of encouragement are welcome too!

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