Book Worm

Jude has been showing an interest in reading lately. I guess since I've been home I've been more apt to take the time to do so. As a teacher, I love this. Plus, on average, I read one book a week, so obviously I'm a fan.

He really stares intently at the pictures on each page.

He tries to hold them himself, but this is difficult still. The boppy helps.

Hmm I wonder if I can open it again...

Oh heck, I'll just eat the silly book. I'm much better at that.

and this is why I'm never on time

So I'm nearly or definitely late to work every day. I always start out on time, or at least with good intentions. I'll be honest actually not hitting the snooze button is hard when Jude wakes up at 3:30 every day wanting to be fed. By the time he eats and has a diaper change, its about 4:15 when I crawl back in to bed. My alarm goes off at 5 which means after his feeding I take a 45 minute nap before I start my day. Can you say exhaustion? True, he sleeps a 7-8 stretch each night which is good for a 4 month old. Still, its tiring.

Me being tired is not the real reason I'm always running behind though. Something always seems to happen. This morning the shirt I was going to wear got spit up all over and smelled awful so I had to change. Sometimes its a diaper explosion. Yesterday was the most unexpected yet. I was holding Jude, putting my breastpumping supplies in my carrier bag when he spit up. STRAIGHT IN TO MY BREAST PUMP CUP. (If you've never seen one, it looks like a funnel.) Anyway, full of spit up. So instead of leaving promptly, I had to rewash and resterilize my breast pump.

And this is why I'm never on time...

Worst picture ever, but it captures the essence. Myself, my breast pump sheild, and Jude. I look tired and dazed. Jude is oblivious. Pretty typical morning in our house.

confession

I have a confession to make. I can't be everything I need to be. I know, I'm not supposed to be perfect. It's just I'm having such a hard time keeping up with everything like I should. Not to mention the energy.

Teaching is one of those jobs that can take a lot out of a person. It takes a lot of time to plan quality lessons and analyze them so you can go back and help the children who are more behind. I love what I do. I love my kids, and it's important to me that I do my best job for them because, quite literally, their futures depend on it. They say it can take a child 3 years to recover from a poor teacher. I'd hate to think I set someone up for that type of recovery.

This was exhausting enough pre-motherhood. Now it just makes things so hard sometimes. I miss out on so much with Jude as it is. We spend, at best, 5 hours a night together. In reality, its more like 4. He's a really easy baby, but he's still a baby and he needs things nearly constantly. I love taking care of him because I miss out on so much, but it means I get nothing done in the evening.

This is where I'm starting to feel guilty. I'm a terrible wife. Between work and spending time with Jude, I cannot seem to find the time to do things around the house. I wish I had the energy in the evenings to clean up at least one room or dust or something, but I really just don't.

After Jude goes to sleep, I shower, wash all his bottles and my breastpumping supplies. I pump a little before I go to sleep. By then its 10-11 and I'm dead tired and I go to sleep. If I don't go to sleep then, I'm exhausted for the day what with his 3:30 feeding and my alarm going off at 5am.

I've always been one of those clean freaks who really gets off on having everything in order. It's driving me crazy that I can't keep up with it all. I feel so guilty because I just feel like I'm dropping the ball with some of my duties. I know that this is the 21st century and Michael can help and he does. I still feel like its my responsibility though. And I can't keep up with it.

The only way I can is to let Jude play by himself. He is fine with it, but I become consumed with a guilt of letting him grow up without spending time with him. I feel guilty when I don't clean and I feel guilty when I do. It's terrible. I just don't know how to budget my time wisely so I'm maximizing my time with Jude and Michael while still feeling like I am taking care of responsibilities at work and around the house without overextending myself.

I'm at a loss, and I just feel like I am failing Michael and Jude with it all. How do you working moms do it?

what I really love

Sometimes he seems so big....

We were the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. Since January, I've known several friends who've given birth. Jude is 3-4 months older than all these new babies, all boys actually. It's amazing how tiny all these new babies look. I know Jude was once that size, but it is just so hard to wrap my mind around. He's grown so much that it's hard to fathom my baby being that little.

This saddens me. Like all of a sudden my little baby's not so little anymore. And he's growing so rapidly before my eyes that I am forgetting all these moments and how little he once was. Could there be anything sadder than not remembering your baby clearly. All my memories seem to blur together in this continuum of Jude's babyhood. Yet, I know that each moment is so uniquely unlike any other or any other point in his life. I mean honestly, he changes by the week, day even. These fleeting moments are so precious because he is only just like that for such a short little time.

Multiply this realization with the fact that I'm working, and you have the recipe for some tears. It's the end of February practically and this whole working thing is just not getting any easier for me. In fact it might be getting worse. I'm not sure how many more mornings I'm going to cry on my way out the door (usually late). The whole day I'm plagued by thoughts about all I'm missing. I'm so unbelievably jealous of my babysitter because she spends as much awake time with Jude as I do. Maybe more.

I know there is nothing honorable in this revelation, but honesty and confession is part of a Christian's life. The truth is I'm fighting with the seed of bitterness. Not at God or Michael or myself really, just in general. I feel like any day now I'm going to be overcome with the 'why me's?' That kind of thinking won't get me anywhere, obviously, but it is becoming harder and harder to silence within me.

My quiet time's in the morning are generally centered on dear God, please change this somehow. Either, help Michael get a job which eliminates the need for mine, or make me content and happy with where I am. Then I fight the fact that I don't want to be content. I don't want to be content to be away from Jude for 8 hours a day. That would make me feel like a heartless mom.

I try to tell myself that in a couple years it'll happen. That works for 3 seconds before I remember that I will still have missed Jude's infancy and most of his toddlerhood. Sure, I will be there for everything with the next child maybe, but what about Jude. That changes nothing with him. And I'm right back where I started.

So I'm trying to focus on the fact that it may not be what I want long term, but I have a really great job situation for a mom. I usually can leave work by 3:30 and am home by 4:00. That gives me 4-5 hours at night with Jude. Plus, I have plenty of vacation time. We close during inclement weather. And the best part is the summer break. Most jobs just get the 2 weeks sick and vacation leave total, if you're lucky. Teaching is a great job for moms.

But it's still really hard on me. So all that to say, I could really use some prayer if you can spare one, because this whole thing is just so hard. Words of encouragement are welcome too!

30 seconds of cute

Why can't everyday be like this?

Oh Jude, how I long to have lazy mornings with you and just enjoy your smiles and giggles...

I have so much fun hanging out with you and dad...

Midweek Blues

We have a working cycle going in our family. Typically the first day or two back is really hard on me because I know it's going to be 5 whole days until I can spend a day with Jude. Jude on the other hand doesn't realize how this schedule works just yet. He usually handles the first day or two fine. Wednesday, he gets the blues though. Wednesday and Thursday I get nothing done because he insists on being held almost constantly. Toys don't interest him. Just me. His evening nap is difficult too. He doesn't want to miss a moment. The only way I can finally succeed in a nap is if he is snuggled right up against me and has both hands wrapped around my fingers. Putting him down when he is finally asleep is another issue all together. He typically wakes after 2 minutes crying like his lonely heart is broken. Could there be anything sadder for a mom? I've started laying him down in our bed on days like these. I know it sounds weird, but I figure being able to smell the sheets is probably comforting. Regardless, it just breaks my heart knowing he probably needs me more than I'm able to be there for him. Talk about guilt....

My Petit Sous Chef

Today on my last day off, I made chocolate chip cookies. Comfort food is always a given 1) when it's cold and 2) when you're sad. And I'm always sad to leave Jude.

A month ago making cookies would have soooo not happened with Jude. At least not when I was home by myself.

Now that Jude is almost 4 months old things have gotten easier. (Yes, on Friday he really will be 4 months old. Unbelievable). Since he can hold his head up + sit in his bumbo chair + be entertained by watching me do pretty much anything, the world has reopened itself up to me.

So today, Jude became my little sous chef. While I was baking, I couldn't help but look forward to making cookies with him when he can really help. I have so many fond memories of baking with my mom. Perhaps that's why I'm so in love with baking in the first place.

PS I won't fill you in on all the ridiculous songs I sang during the midst of this baking extravaganza. Gotta give the little people what they want....

I will probably go on and on every weekend on here about how happy Saturday mornings make me. What's a working momma to do but look forward to them? Thanks to the great Denton snow storm of 2010 and President's Day, I get a 5 day weekend. That's like 5 Saturdays in a row. There are no words as to how I have enjoyed my time.

Oh I love this one. I know I'm his mom, but I seriously think Jude has the cutest mouth!

Waking up with Jude and Michael is. the. best. I love everything they say to me. I love that they both love me even with my morning breath. I love that they both think I'm funny. I love that my happiest moments are spent with them doing absolutely nothing at all.

It's amazing how age (inevitably?) changes you. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved kids- hence the whole teaching thing. However, I always thought life would probably get boring once it became the same day in and day out. Boy was I wrong.

Jude hangs out in his oh so favorite bouncer while we make breakfasts on Saturday morning.

There really is nothing mundane at all about watching your child grow and change. Yes, I technically do the same thing. I could probably time and predict the order of events down to the minute. Yes, if I told this to my 18 year old self, I might get a weird look.

People always say it, but it is so true. Having a baby totally changes you. Granted, I am an old soul and turned 80 around my 21st birthday. Irrelevant. Even my 80 year old self enjoyed the freedom of being able to sleep in and go to dinner without packing 2 extra outfits, 3 extra diapers, wipes, toys, pacifiers, pacifier chains, blankets, burp cloths, and carseat. I could go on. Sometimes in weak moments I think, man it was so much easier when ____.

But then I look in this sweet face and I watch him unbelievably excited by his bouncer (see above) and I forget all about fine dining. I'm just too wrapped up in my new life to really ever miss the old. Michael and I talked about how we were having kids early so they could leave home while we were in our 40s and young. Screw that. We had kids early because it's just so stinkin awesome to have kids. The end.

various videos of the things that make my (early) mornings rock

Baby Sneezes

Never Still

Power to the People

Wow Hands

PS this blog should have been written on Feb 6th. It's just I don't have much time during the week. Such is life.

Pajama Parties

So since we've had several snow days, its been a non stop pajama party in our house. Here are some pics and vids of Jude having a good time and just generally takin it easy, enjoying having momma and dad home for the fun.

Snow day 1

Snow day 1 cont- can you guess Jude's new favorite beatles song? I'll give you a hint. It's not 'Hey Jude'

Snow day 2- Ok this video is not really playing, but he's started a new 'trick'. When I put him on his tummy for tummy time (which he still hates, as you can tell) he does this head butt crawl scoot thing which I was trying to document. What the heck?

Believe it or not, he's actually watching Harry Potter. He's really amazed by the television. Go figure since I am one of those psycho mom's who plans to limit tv time to 30 minutes a day.

I love how cuddly he looks with his bear and burp rag and boppy.

I finally have his attention. (I impressed him with my patronus charm.)

SMILE!!!

Chow Time, Breastfeeding, and my favorite bottle

Warning: this blog may not interest you if you are not in to breast feeding.

For all you soon to be moms or current moms out there who are breastfeeding or plan on it, I thought I would share my experience because for me, it has been wonderful and successful. At the beginning, I had my doubts. Jude and I experienced the usual frustrations of mother-baby attempts. He was an adept 'sucker' from the get go. (yes, I know how awkward that sounds) He didn't always have the easiest time latching on though. In the hospital, I resorted to tears a couple of times because I was terrified this meant it wouldn't work and I would have to formula feed my baby and blah blah blah. I called the lactation nurse in there soo many times. I'm sure she was glad I left.

I was really blessed to have my mom with me when we came home. My mom successfully breastfed all 3 of us, and it makes a difference having someone say 'oh this is normal' when you are postpartum and freaking out. Or maybe I'm just high strung. Regardless, my mom imparted one real pearl to me in the midst of this and it completely changed my thinking about everything, not just breastfeeding.

Jude is learning EVERYTHING for the first time right now. How to breathe on his own. How to let me know he needs something. What day is. What night is. How to eat. He is learning HOW to eat. I mean, prior to birth, everything was just done for him through me with 0 effort. Now all of a sudden he had to work with me. Praise Jesus for instincts, but even still, that's a lot of learning for such a little person.

Once I realized that I was able to relax and be patient as Jude learned the ropes of eating. Being a teacher has helped me understand the importance of that. Some kids get things right away and some you have to be patient until eventually the concept clicks. I think eating is the same way. My point, breastfeeding will work for you most likely, but it requires patience. The mom is learning and so is the baby. Learning is not usually an instantaneous process.

After a week at the most, probably more like 5 days, the latching issue was solved, and we moved on to bigger and better issues like keeping Jude awake. He was such a sleepy newborn. Even now at almost 4 months, he tends to nap a lot. He just likes his sleep. Keeping him awake through a feeding, especially night feedings was a huge chore. We resorted to all many of baby torture devices such as squeezing feet, clapping, ice cubes, you name it. Most of them only had 50% chance of even working. He usually squirmed and went back to sleep. Little rascal. He has since out grown this thankfully. However, something worth remembering is that newborns are sleepy. Sometimes you have to help them realize they need to eat longer than a few minutes. You aren't a bad parent for keeping your baby awake through a feeding. Reposition and 'torture' until they feed long enough. Again, persistence is the key.

Here is Jude using his Playtex drop ins bottles. Did I mention he can hold them and feed himself from them now? He's not even 4 months old yet. He gets too big too fast!

After I started back to work, we encountered another breastfeeding hurdle as Jude began bottle feeding some. At the time, I was using playtex ventair and avent bottles. They fit the bill as far as switching between bottle and breast in that they were slow flow wide nipples. However, I quickly learned there was more to it than that. Jude began showing a preference for bottles after that first week which tore me to bits I have to say. In my tears, I researched a way to not have to pump the rest of his feeds. It was through this that I learned that not all slow flow wide nipples are created equal. We switched to playtex drop ins because 1) these nipples actually have the slowest flow on the market and much of what babies come to prefer is having to work less hard at getting food and 2) the drop in liner mimics the breast because the suctioned out ear creates more work for the baby essentially. As soon as I read this, I sent Michael out for these bottles. Jude hasn't had a problem with switching between bottle and breast since then. They aren't the fanciest, most expensive bottle, but they work the best for breast and bottle feeding. Note: I never feed Jude his bottle just in case that confuses him or makes him think I should always feed him his bottle.

Overall, breastfeeding has been one of the best experiences of motherhood. I always was grossed out by the thought of it, but resolved myself to do it because that was right for my baby. Now it's become one of those things that, like childbirth, is this beautiful, natural phenomena. Sure, there are the fringe benefits of it being the most healthy for your baby. Not to mention it helps the shedding of pounds upon pounds of babyfat. The real benefit though is the bonding with the mother and baby. Feeding Jude is one of the (many) most special times of my day. I love that it's just him and me and our rocker and my book or my Bible and God. It's so relaxing. I get to forget about the world and deadlines and lesson plans and cleaning the kitchen and just focus on this beautiful little boy God blessed me with. I have a feeling when I look back and reminisce on Jude's infancy when he's much older, one thing I will recall often is feeding him. It's our time together, which is truly sacred.

Sleepin Like a Rockstar

I am obsessed with taking pictures of Jude sleeping. Seriously. It's just so cute, I can't help myself. I took these because he was wearing his rockin pjs plus his hair was wild (as usual). He looks like such a rockstar!

Notice the blanket is UNDER him. One of these days I'm going to give in and give up on using blankets at all. He never stays under them.

I disturbed his sleep and he's mid stretch...

Found and new and cozy position... Still on top of the blankets of course...

Mommy and Jude

Best moments of my life:

My parents were in town and I actually have pictures with Jude- not just Jude by himself.

More weekend pics

There are no words to describe how much I look forward to Saturday mornings with Jude. Expect quite a few of these posts....