Friday, May 11, 2012
This week- has been quite a week. I went to study the prairie with my kiddos. The good news is there were loads of Indian blankets and butterflies. It was beautiful. (I have loads of pics on facebook. Or you can follow me on instagram at thistleashd. Or you can follow me on twitter also at thistleashd) More good news- I managed to only get one chigger bite. The bad news one of my kids got dehydrated, which was beyond scary. All the more reason to thank your local firemen who come to rescue of little 8 year olds and freaked out teachers. Then, that evening I got some disturbing news which just made me further rethink ever dating again. Why are there so many sketchy guys in the world? Beyond me.
Tuesday- I realized my facebook account had yet again been hacked by craziest ex girlfriend of my ex husband. Does anyone have a good explanation for some girl who signs into my facebook account to randomly friend my ex's friends and send them friend requests on my behalf? I'd love to hear it. Weird is all I've come up with. I put my facebook on lockdown. And used an email that is federally offensive to hack. Boom shaquita! I spent some time with some good friends. Not much to complain about there. Except that in the end of my night a friend once again went off about his love for me. It's not as sweet or cute as you might imagine. It's mainly just frustrating. And so complicated I can't begin to understand or explain it. Which made me think I should start dating soon. Ha- jk. But it would make it easier for him to keep his thoughts in line I think.
Wednesday- I spent my time dealing with and working through all these emotions. The stress, the disappointment in people. It was raw and it was real and it was part of life. But you know what I love about when my emotions are the most raw- how much I crave God then. I know people like to complain about how we never crave God when it's good. I see their point. But I also love knowing that in the times of disappointment, God never disappoints. Amazing considering how often I disappoint.
Thursday- I spent time dealing with explaining things to my parents. Who I are always ready to give me another perspective on my life and the random issues it brings. Plus, I met a friend at Wine2 and then saw a local production of Fiddler on the Roof! Winning! (ps I'm sorry but I love using that word. Thank you Courtney from the Bachelor.)
Friday- Today was field day. Damani made a rap about it. He also made a rap about Mother's Day on Thursday. Someone please tell me where I will find another student who makes up raps for me on a regular basis?!?!?! Best year ever? Kind of. I finished my kids reading levels for the year. I only have 2 at risk. 3 progressing and 15 on or above level. Which is definitely higher than last year. Also, considering some of these came in reading at a K level, progress was definitely made! Praise God!
Quotes of the week:
* Momma, you a princess? (based off a dress I wore)
* Let me read you a famous book
And my favorite "I lub you momma"
Things I'm pondering:
* politics- why do I strongly disagree with every candidate? What is the real call of a Christian in a political world? How do you best take a stand for Christ while loving the world as you're called to? Why are so many Christians unable to take a stand where the guidelines are clear? Why do some Christians turn guidelines into battle grounds when love is also so clear?
* life- what do I really want out of it? What does God really want me to be doing? I'm really feeling like I'm getting to the place that I really want to move forward. I'm finding all my fears ebbing, which can only be an act of the Holy Spirit. And so the natural next question is where from here? This is more just exciting, because I know God has great things in store. I just don't know what to do next.
* motherhood- why is single motherhood so hard? I am really struggling to find the right balance between my role for Jude and my role for myself.
* the end of the school year- I will never get it all done. Good gosh.
* Ecclesiastes- what is the 'time' for my life right now? I think it's a time to try to find God's path, and time to seek peace, and a time to trust. As always, anxiety gets the best of me sometimes.
So all in all it's been a time for reflection this week. I think I'm realizing that I need to walk forward in faith without being afraid to leave some people or things behind. This is true is so many ways. It's a time for a new path though. Only God know where that will lead.
As always, if you read this, I covet your prayers- for my wisdom, for peace, for patience...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
This week has been one of those weeks where nothing I do seems to be right. To anyone. I suppose this is normal, but it's been so hard. And so in so many ways this is my song this week, especially the "if I was stronger" part.
I don't feel very strong this week. I feel like I'm very ungrounded and carried about by the wind. The wind can be both refreshing and frightening. The Christian life is very much meant to be lived as one blown by the wind of the Holy Spirit. God's plans sometimes feel so unpredictable, and to say that it's an easy, predictable ride is a lie. But there's so much freedom in that lack of knowledge. Maybe it's just my inner bohemian talking, but I love the idea of not knowing what tomorrow holds. Who am I going to meet? What am I going to do? Where will I end up? Tethered to Christ, the wind can take me anywhere without fear.
On the flip side, wind can also cause hurricane or tornado like damage. Without a firm foundation, life can pick you up and carry you so far away you wonder who you are and what you've become. You can't recognize your own character anymore. I've been there before. Being there led me to Christ.
The crazy thing about this week (and it's only Wednesday) is that I feel like I've been in both places. This week I've done some interesting things and met some interesting people. And I know those are only because God has a hold of my string and I am the kite flying high under His provision. My kite has come close to some things that aren't that great, but I haven't worried because I know who holds the string. Ya know.
And I've also felt like the hurricane. Because sometimes it's easy to get distracted by other things. To forget why you've been put in someone's life. To forget what you are meant to represent to a certain person. I've let myself down because I wanted to be so much stronger than I ended up being. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I let myself get carried away.
In that moment, you realize that only one thing matters and it's the only thing that ever mattered. Grace. Praise the Lord for the ability to try again another day. Grace that has my kite string even if I take the wrong tail wind and nose dive. Grace that is flying me higher and higher to the places I'm meant to go, no matter what scenic routes I try. Grace that brings freedom, true freedom. And for that, I am always and forever thankful.