Blessing Pouring Down like Rain

David and all the Israelites were celebrating with all their might before God, with songs and with harps, lyres, and tambourines, cymbals, and trumpets. ~1 Chronicles 13:8

This verse has changed my life.  It's amazing to me how God can speak so intensely to your heart through sometimes the most normal of verses.  But this verse stopped me.  I had so many thoughts.

* What would it look like to celebrate with all my might before God?
* How excited do I really get about what God is doing in the world around me?
* Do I even have my eyes open to pay attention to what he's doing?
* What must David's heart have been like to be this way?

If there is one word to describe how I imagined David, it was joy.  Joy before the Lord.  Joy of the Lord.  Joy because He's in God's Presence.  Pure joy.  I realized how much expectation I have that joy come because I enjoy my job.  Or joy come because Jude is behaving well.  Or joy because Jimmy and I go on a really great date.  Always conditional.  Conditional joy.  Except the only Biblical condition of joy is God's Presence.

Well that's everywhere.  God is in and within everything.  During every circumstance.  Without condition.  Without exception.  So what am I doing wrong that my joy is based on conditions?

So I began to pray a pretty simple prayer- "Fill me with the Joy of the Lord.  May your Presence be my JOY.  May that be the only condition for my Joy.  May I be as excited over You as David was."

God has answered that prayer!

Almost immediately.  I have only prayed that prayer (daily) for I guess the last 2 or 3 weeks, but I have noticed a Huge difference in my perspective, my attitude, and honestly my discernment and perception of daily occurrences.  I literally feel like I am bubbling over.  The proverbial cup?  It runneth over y'all. I am blown away by the goodness of God, His love for me, and how His Presence and Hand are literally on me and my life!  How did I not see that each second dripped of Him before?  "One thing I do know.  I was blind but now I see!" ~ John 9:25.  I see His hand now- everywhere- all the time!

This has changed everything.  Everything.  I am overcome with my blessings.  I am praying as we speak that the Lord will recall them so I can share some with you.  But believe me, they are beyond count.

Today I went to work up in my new classroom.  I was going back and forth loading and unloading my car.  One of the custodian ladies was in the hall cleaning.  I stopped and chatted with her about being new, having taught in Denton, etc.  Her English wasn't very good, but we were able to get the gist of each other so to speak.  I went on with cleaning my room, and was getting hot, so I wanted to find the coke machine.  She was still in the first grade rooms, so I asked her.  She told me it was really expensive (like $2.50) and so I was just like oh bummer and put my money away.  She went and bought me a bottle of water at Walgreens down the street!  I don't even know where to start with this.  She wouldn't let me pay her back.  She's a custodian.  And an immigrant, so it's not like she has extra money.  I was completely humbled by her kindness.  And all from a 5 minute conversation.  She taught me so much today.  You never know how much the 5 minutes you spend with someone will possibly mean a lot to them.  I was completely blessed by her today.  And judging from the way she hollered down the hall "Ms Ashley, Ms Ashley!  Have a good weekend!" I feel like she was blessed by our conversation somehow too.  Only God could use 5 minutes for His glory!

Or how I signed up for this mug swap I mentioned a few days ago.  There were 800 people who signed up.  And we were randomly assigned.  I didn't give any information about Jude or my marriage or relationship life when I filled out the form.  Just gave some style hints like being eclectic, nature lover, stuff like that.  YET GOD had his hand in the girl whose name I got.  He paired me up with a young, single mom.  A young single mom whose going through a really rough time right now.  A rough road that I've already walked down.  Y'all I can't even wrap my MIND around this.  The odds of this are clearly slim.  But God.  But God works all things according to His will.  And His will is that His hurting children know His love.  His uses us, His body, to reach out.  And He literally handed me this opportunity, against all odds (except there are no odds for God) on a silver platter.  I can't do anything when I think about this except worship God with all my might.  I just can't.  JOY.  Pure Joy.

And so many more.  My new school is so many, many blessings.  Such a positive, excited vibe from everyone.  I'm blessed to form new relationships.  I'm amazingly excited about 1st grade.  I just get this feeling that I'm really going to do well here.  I went to some 1st grade math trainings this week, which were so encouraging.  I feel so much more capable of taking on a new grade.  And I'm excited about it!  And while I was there I learned that another school near me hired a new 1st grade teacher also.  This school was closer to me, and I certainly prayed that a door be open there.  But the door didn't open until after I was at Savannah.  For me this was a gift in two major ways.  One: it confirmed for me that 1st grade is really where God can use me best this year.  Kind of like I would have been in 1st no matter what if that makes sense.  It encouraged me in feeling qualified to be a good first grade teacher.  And it also encouraged me that I was at the right campus.  (at this point, I hadn't gotten up to my school to really meet any team members)  It encouraged me because if I was supposed to be there I would have been.  But I know God.  And I know He has a reason I'm where I am.  It just really made me feel assured of my decision.  

And all this was before I met my amazing team members.  Or learned that the first day back, we break into teams to do a CRAZY town wide scavanger hunt.  Think something you would do with Young Life.  Hilarious.  And this year- costumes are required.  Costumes to do things like have 3 team members take a picture next to a corvette.  Or find an Elvis record.  I can't even wait!  

And then there is the daily miracles of seeing this amazing little boy in my life.  And getting to watch how much Jimmy and Jude love each other.  And how they verbalize it.  I don't have words to describe what it does to my heart to watch their relationship develop.  I really don't think Jimmy could love on Jude much more than if he were his.  What a godly man!  But you know God loves us like that- through taking on loving something that was separate from Him.  

There are everyday miracles.  Everywhere.  All around you.  But the thing is, it's God's hand that you are seeing and feeling and experiencing.  He is so good and loving.  And He's there.  And my heart dances in my chest because I can't quite figure out how to contain HIM and the JOY HE IS.

Linking here today

My Love Story- on being single

The summer I turned 22 I fell in love with George Mueller.  [Some girls like Channing Tatum (i think that's his name).  I like random dead people who run orphanages.  I never said I was normal.]  There was something about his faith that I desperately wanted to lead me.  I felt like if I had a guy like that, walking in faith would be so easy, because he would hold my hand.  And I think more than anything, I wanted a godly man I could respect.  Reading his biography was beyond inspiring, and probably was one of those pivotal moments that affected my missions outlook.  He was what I wanted- and even today- I want a godly man with a missions mindset whom I can respect.

Somehow, though, that summer I also met my ex husband.  It's beyond my comprehension that I could be heading one direction and somehow veered so far off what I had said I wanted.  Through my ex husband I entered sexual immorality, abortion, idolatry, pain, shame, fear- lots of fear.  Bondage really. I've wondered before (don't dwell on this because- Jude- worth it), but still wondered how I fell so far so quickly.  The answer is simply- idolatry.

I was entering my last year of college.  I had assumed all my life I would be engaged at least when I graduated from college.  I felt like I was off schedule, and so, Michael represented a way for me to be on the path I 'knew' I should be on.  There were warning signs.  But I was so fixated on making sure I was married on time, I really didn't acknowledge them.  I was so sure that being married was worth it all, and it would all work out in the end.  Not even remotely true.

I kind of think as that as a 'Hagar decision'.  Just like Abraham and Sarah got tired of waiting on God to fulfill His promise, I got tired of waiting.  Just like Sarah took things into her own hands and gave Abraham Hagar, I took things in my own hands and 'made it work' with Michael.  Both decisions had disastrous results.

What I didn't realize at 22 was that I had hope.  Hope that a 'George Mueller' would come along.  Right around the corner could be the right guy.  When you are married to the wrong guy, you don't have any hope.  Looking at someone who hurts you in every way possible and thinking 'this is what my life is going to be like for the next 50 years' is possibly one of the most horrific thoughts I've had.  In fact, when I first got divorced I wasn't sure I would ever consider getting married again- or that it would be ok from a spiritual perspective.  I was 900% sure though, that being single for the rest of my life, while difficult, was better than being married and afraid.  Whatever you think loneliness feels like when you are just young and single, I promise promise it is nothing to the loneliness of having someone in your life you can never truly be close to.  Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of lonely married women in the world.  And that's a pain unlike any other.  A hopeless pain.

I know there are several people in my blog/real world that worry about being alone.  That's a totally normal fear.  Women were created to be a helper to someone.  God has a definite plan for your life and ways to fulfill that need He gave you.  And it's scary to think about not doing that with your life.  Even now I have moments where I wonder oh my gosh, what if...  And that's definitely not what I want.  I don't know what God's plan for my life is.  I don't know what God's plan for your life is.  But I do know that I pray you feel encouraged.  You have hope.  Just like God saw Hagar in the desert, he sees you too.  He doesn't just know your heart, He adores it.  He thinks your heart is beautiful and worthy of not just settling, but a love great and godly.  He knows of someone who will be worth the wait.

Waiting can be a fruitful time.  I waited for 2 lonely painful years before I considered dating again.  Sometimes it was because of my decision.  Sometimes it was God's.  Those two years were blessed though.  I fell in love with God so deeply.  I learned what it was like to depend on Him solely.  He became the Lover of My Soul.  Those lessons have been beyond a blessing in my current relationship.  I used to have moments of severe loneliness or fear.  I would just pray something like 'Lord, I need a hug right now.  I'm so lonely, and I'd give anything to be held.  But that's not what you've given me right now.  So please hold me tonight".  And He faithfully answered that prayer everytime.  He knew those desires I had, and He continually fulfilled them.  Because I learned to depend on God to satisfy my desires and fill my hollow places with His lavish, unfailing love (i literally pray that daily- Got that from a Beth Moore book called Breaking Free- which I highly recommend), I haven't needed Jimmy to fill those.  I love having him around.  He is such a breath of fresh air all the time.  I absolutely adore him in every way.  I literally think He's brought Christ to life in a tanglible way for me.  But I don't need him.  And that's huge for me.  It's also allowed this relationship to be truly healthy, and also truly dependent and focused on God.  Which has made what I really dreamed of, a godly man who I could respect and trust to lead me, possible.  And that's exciting!  And was worth the wait!

In closing, I just want people to know that its good to be content where you are.  God is blessing you right where you are.  He is doing amazing things right where you are.  It's also ok to want and even need other things.  But for me, laying them down at His feet made them possible.  It was hard many days.  But I always had hope.  And in Christ we have a hope that doesn't disappoint!

Side note:  A couple months before meeting Jimmy- maybe not even that long- I acknowledged before God my desire to serve in foreign missions.  I told God I was willing to go- anywhere- although at the time I wanted to go to Morocco.  Now I would just go anywhere.  But I asked God, if that was my calling to please bring me someone I could trust to protect me while I was there.  Pretty legit request, especially in places like Morocco where my rights as a woman would be limited.  Jimmy literally would go anywhere.  And he is absolutely concerned with shepherding me in every way.  I'm not saying anything as far as where Jimmy and I are headed, because I don't know.  But hey, maybe you should surrender to missions and God will bring you a co-laborer ;)  kinda kidding....