June Reflections

Oh sweet sweet summertime.  To be honest, I really doubted my ability to make it to this point.  Every Sunday night the past few months, I would cry and tell Jimmy I just didn't know if I would be able to make it to June and how can 30...20...10...
5 days seem like an eternity?  It was so hard for me to just show up each day.  Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is show up, and that was definitely how it was for me.  I'm beyond thankful that The Lord carried me through that.  And I'm so thankful to be officially a "stay at home mom".  Well sort of- The Lord faithfully provided me a part time job which met all of my three requirements.  1- I am working 20 hours a week.  2- I will be able to more or less make enough to cover my mortgage payment.  and 3- I don't have to prepare anything outside of work hours.  I can just show up.  Hallelujah.  The Lord has been truly faithful.  When I look back over the last year, all I know is that I was broken, but God was faithful.  I'm thinking this summer will be a time of great healing, rest, and reflection.  Here's my reflections thus far:

Am I thankful for my life and how I'm living it?  Here's what I've noticed in my one week of summer.  When I am not working, I am a better mom!  A happier mom.  A more patient mom.  A more involved mom.  I cannot express how thankful I am for this time right now.  I get to be the person I so desperately wanted to be all year, but just didn't have the energy to be.  More than anything, I love being a wife and a mom.  I love that I can give these people priority.  And I love the way I feel fulfilled when doing those things.  It's amazing how much easier your personhood flows when you are living within the role you know you were designed to fill.  So I am so very thankful right now.  Thankful to not be stretched so thin.  Thankful that my everyday actions can center on serving God through serving the two people he has entrusted to me.

What have I tried this month?  Over the past month, Jimmy and I went to a concert.  When we were first dating, we did a lot more concerts.  Actually our first real date was to a concert.  We have celebrated anniversaries and birthdays at concerts.  There is just something about concerts that makes me feel like 'us'.  That is a priceless feeling.  Life takes precedence as you grow up, but those moments that allow you to just be yourself without the millions of other roles clouding your vision are wonderful. 
That being said- it's summer and we need adventure!  We had wanted to go camping in Oklahoma during May one weekend, but as you know if you watched the news any day in May, there wasn't a dry day in Texas or Oklahoma it seemed.  I'm not sure what we will do this summer, but I am dreaming of something simple but memorable.

What am I doing to get out of my routine?  Summer is the perfect time to get out of routines, and I love that about it.  I feel like the teacher side of me is fairly 'Type A'.  I am a mostly organized person.  I do better and accomplish more when I have a plan and a checklist.  However, summer is the time I try to let my brain rest.  I don't plan more than a couple days in advance.  I try not to make schedules or to do lists.  Right now Jude has swim lessons, and a part of me dies inside at 4:30 because I have to make a plan to go somewhere :)  That being said, this summer I have joined a bible study, and I am loving it.  I love that it is over the book of John- not a resource book.  Just using only the Bible and answering the same 4 questions over each chapter.  It's only met twice, but both times have been so encouraging.  I'm so thankful to get to spend the time with some old friends as well as get to know new people.  John is such a great book, and being reminded about how Jesus can do what no one else can do in my life has already been so healing.  I'm really looking forward to not being so overwhelmed so I can allow God to work!

Also getting out of my routine is my yearly 'dye my hair a crazy color'.  I've been doing this during the summer for years.  Just a small piece of rebellion against the 'professionalism' of teaching.  I didn't get to do it last summer because I got married.  While I love my pink/purple/blue/green/whatever hair styles, I didn't think that was what I wanted in my wedding pictures :)  Excited to go all over baby coral/pink though today!

What have I learned about God this month?  He is faithful.  I don't know how He did it.  I don't know how I survived this year.  And the surviving I did does not negate the severe bruising and brokenness that came in the midst of survival.  I look back over this year and it is just a blur of tears.  But The Lord got me through to the other side.  I just didn't see how I was going to make.  Even the last week of school I wanted to call in every single day.  But I made it.  Definitely not of my own power, but solely because the Lord is faithful.
He was also faithful to provide exactly what I needed.  If you go back and read my May Reflection, you will notice so much confusion and unanswered questions.  The Lord was faithful to answer so many of those.  I know who I am right now.  I know what I will be doing next year.  He was faithful to provide exactly what I needed job wise- the perfect number of hours, the perfect role, perfectly in the middle of Judes school day, so I can take him to school and pick him up.  And as is so true of God, he provides the lagniappe- or immeasurably more than I imagined.  I will get to be working at the same place as two of the ladies from my community group.  He doesn't have to provide these extra blessings, but He is so loving and good, that He always does.

What brokenness is holding me back?  To be honest, compared to the brokenness that held me back this year, I feel amazing.  That being said, I think there is a lot of healing that needs to be done in my heart.  This year truly broke my heart.  I had people assume the worst of me, pick apart every little thing I did looking for fault, and just question me within a context I absolutely loved.  I felt kind of like Prometheus doomed to wake up each day with birds eating my flesh while I was chained to a mountain.  Gross analogy I know, but I felt continually kicked down.  I would start to pull myself up only be kicked straight down again.  So while I don't feel broken in the same way.  Or maybe just am not afraid of what is seeking my destruction around the corner now that it is summer.  But I know I need time to heal.  I know The Lord will be faithful in that healing.  But I need the time to heal.  Thankful to know that I have that time.

What do I want less of?  STUFF.  We are currently trying to get rid of as much stuff as possible.  We have a great little house, but unfortunately it has little storage.  So we are trying to get rid of as much as possible.  It's amazing how you can get rid of so much, yet you turn around and still have copious amounts of just stuff.  Regardless, we want to learn to live on less, but also learn to live with less.  Americans are so busy and our lives are so full of stuff.  So little of it is necessary.  So little of it enhances are life by any large amount.  I want to learn to live more simply with what I have. 

What do I want more of?  Living.  I don't want to spend my summer wasting the minutes.  I want to live it to the fullest.  Spend the time invested in Jude's life and Jimmy's life.  Spend the time invested in enjoying my mom while she's in town.  Spend the time invested in hanging out with my sister and Camden while we have the time.  Jude is growing up so fast.  Having taught for so many years, I have seen the blur that is childhood once you enter school.  It seems like in no time the kids I saw in kinder are heading off to middle school.  I feel like I need to savor the moments with him this summer because he is at the end of my time with him being 'little'.  This breaks my heart, but as much as I can, I want it to spur me on to invest in him deeply.  So thankful for him.

Hello World, Remember Me?

Jude and I on Mother's Day

I think it's pretty safe to say I'm in a blogging rut.  Not because I don't have things to say, but I don't have the time to do it.  Or there are other things I want to do more.  Specifically gardening.  I have really been getting into this lately.  And thankfully with this cooler spring and now cool start of summer, it's been easy to do that.  I am beyond enjoying seeing all the new growth on my rose bushes.  This weekend I discovered morning glories growing wild so my head is full of how to try to capture and tame those.

My garden helper

For Mother's Day, Jimmy and I went plant shopping.  It's been amazing to have plants on my porch to look at and relax around.  So thankful for him and his willingness (and knowledge) to garden with me.  He is beyond amazing in countless ways.  Patient with my questions.  He loves on my child in ways that blow my mind.  And he serves me in the most humble ways, including planting flowers into pots with and for me.  He is the best man I know.

So much about this picture I love

My actual Mother's Day was spent relaxing in cool weather with some poetry on my front porch.  It was blissful and beautiful and peaceful.  Jude spent the time in what I have christened 'his digging spot'.  Because I'm pretty sure every boy needs one.  That evening Jimmy took us to dinner and because he is the kindest hearted human, he patiently played games with Jude while we waited.  I tried to get a pic of it, but none of them came out :(

Flash forward to last weekend (everything in between is a blur anyway...) and Jude and I joined my family in Annapolis Maryland where my brother graduated from the Naval Academy.  So much patriotism wells up in me when it comes to the military.  I am not the biggest believer in politics, but I love the general American ideals.  Flags, uniforms, gun salutes, etc just seem to foster that for me.  The commissioning ceremony was rather torturous as it was raining with a strong wind chill of 45*.  If it weren't for the fact that Obama was speaking and my love for my brother, I would have left.  The rest of the time was spent trying to stay warm, enjoying crab foods of all kinds, front porch sitting, and getting to know my brother's beautiful girlfriend (who happens to have been an Alpha Chi Omega at the University of Georgia.  I was one at Baylor.  My sis was one at Texas Tech.  There was secret handshaking.  And a possible night out with this...)

LITB

Some other pics from the weekend:

amazing

Future midshipman?

This is the porch I dream about.  My mansion in heaven will have this porch.

This weekend was spent celebrating that Jimmy and I have been dating for a year.  Technically a little longer, but we consider our first real date to be the beginning of June.  Last year on June 1st or 2nd (not actually sure of the date) we went to an Avett Brothers concert.  It was amazing musically.  Plus Dirk Novitski (sp?) happens to be an Avett fan and he showed up.  I was pretty nervous because this was the first date I'd been excited about since Michael.  I had no idea what I was doing.  Jimmy was nervous.  It  was the slowest start to a relationship considering I was somewhat freaked out to be dating anyone at the time.  I had no idea if I could trust myself to pick out a good one this time.  I took each day at a time and proceeded with caution.  As only God could know, Jimmy is just a naturally easy paced person, and my need for time suited him fine.  We spent 4-5 months 'figuring it out' and it wasn't until that long in until labels were attached.  And probably 8+ months in before we both were ready to acknowledge this was in any way serious.  Thinking back over this past year, (besides just making me cry right now- what the heck...) its just crazy.  Doesn't seem that long.  And yet Jimmy is by far one of the best things to happen to my life.  And in every way, one of the most patient, humble, servant hearted men I've ever met.  In fact if I had to pick a single word to describe him, servant would be it.  And having a character like that, well it's just impossible to not trust and respect him, which my heart so desperately needed to be able to do.  I love him so very much.

We celebrated last night by going to the KXT summer fest, which headlined, guess who- the Avett Brothers.  Same concert.  A year to the day of our first date.  It was a blissful evening to sit on a quilt in our warm, breezy June weather.  (until it poured that night haha :)  

So anyway, life is good.  In 5 days it will be summer.  I will get to spend my time with Jude who tells me every day after work that he 'misseded' me.  And I will continue to enjoy the ease of loving someone who loves me so selflessly for exactly who I am.

To the Bluebird who Flew Up to My Window

Life is crazy and beautiful, ugly and joyful, all these emotions all in one day.  This afternoon I was sitting in my reading chair with my fire going, hot chocolate in hand, feet propped up reading A Severe Mercy.  I was trying to regroup, because I had gotten pretty upset angry because Jude had gotten poop in several spots on his carpet.  To make a long story short, he has no accidents- ever- unless its naptime.  I was pretty mad.  I needed the time to cool down and regroup.  Self care.  And I was doing just that.

I had just read this quote (which is actually by poet Sarah Williams) in the book:

"We have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night"

I was pondering about how that could change my perspective.  How yes moments with toddler antics are really, really frustrating.  The emotions can consume you, make you question your sanity.  But the stars, the stars!  There in toddler insanity there are stars.  There is no dark place we can go that we don't have the light of Christ's presence.  No dark place we can go where we can't see His gifts, his minute by minute Joy Dare as Ann Voskamp calls it.  

And I began to be thankful for this moment.  1.  The fact that my child was now asleep in his bed.  2.  That I had hot cocoa and marshmallows in hand.  3.  That my feet were propped up.  4.  That I was in my favorite chair, reading.  5.  That I was beginning to feel the peace of deep breaths wash over me.  6.  That my imperfections as a parent are just growth opportunities.  7.  That my God is faithful to turn my ashes and imperfections into something beautiful.

And then, I heard a noise at the door.  A rapping on the porch.  I thought it was my rose bushes at first, but the noise wasn't at my window.  I turned.  I looked.  And there flapping right up to my backdoor window not 3 feet from where I sat was a bluebird.  Brilliant feathers looking me right in the eye.

I grabbed my camera and I snapped and I thanked God for this moment.  8.  For bluebirds at windows. 9.  For cameras to capture the memory.  10. For the reminder that all is grace and grace is everywhere.  11.  That spring is coming.  12.  That God loves me and never fails to show me.

I took my camera outside and continued to snap.  13. For a warm breeze.  14.  For sunshine.  15.  For grass beneath my feet.  16.  For the view from my lens.  17.  For the opportunity to continually chase the Beauty of this world if I will only stop and breathe and watch.

And when he sings to you, Though you're deep in blue, 

You will see a ray of light creep through, 

And so remember this, life is no abyss, 

Somewhere there's a bluebird of happiness. 

Life is sweet, tender and complete, 

when you find the bluebird of happiness. 

• - Bluebird of Happiness, lyrics by Edward Heyman & Harry Parr Davies, 1934