On My Heart- The Year I Got Lost



This year I got lost.  I'm not sure at what point I veered off.  Maybe I never really veered off, but more cocooned myself to relearn who I was now that I added wife to my list of hats.  I learned about oils, lived by oils, saw myself grow with oils.  But I also learned more about my body with oils- which lead to diet changes- and changes on what daily supplements I need.  So many changes.  None of them bad.  Actually, they've all been great for me.  Yet there were many changes.

I went through Redemption at my church.  And I learned first hand about my own idolatry.  And I had to reframe everything I thought I knew about myself.  It is so good.  But so hard.  And still so hard.  I learned to try to have grace for myself.  But trying to reframe a lifetime of thinking is a longer process than I would have thought.  I think a year later I am still learning how to have grace for myself and others.  I also think I'm learning just how un-gracious I really was.  That's such a hard lesson. 

I got remarried.  And my priorities shifted.  And I read this book "Woman After God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George and my perspective totally upended.  And my focus became something totally new and foreign to me.  Not only is Jimmy my 'you need to have more grace' convicter, but he's also my #1 job.  For years, I focused on my career because that career was my sole hope for survival.  Sure, I wanted more time with Jude.  But I couldn't afford to not have a job.  For the first time, I don't depend on myself.  I'm just the helper.  It's so great, such a relief, and serving Jude and Jimmy couldn't bring me more joy.  However, for the first time ever, I realized how much teaching might not fit me forever.  Not that I don't still find myself getting passionate over teaching reading or developmentally appropriate practices.  I do.  But I realize that to be passionate over that, I have to sacrifice my relationships with Jude and Jimmy.  And I just can't do that.

And so I find myself at a crossroads.  I see my life direction changing from where I thought I was headed.  I have no idea where I'm heading, and that's so scary.  But I feel my emotions giving way, my physical energy giving way.  I feel lost.  I wonder who I am now?  What am I passionate about?  What do I want my life to be about?  Where do I go from here?  I definitely don't have the answers to that. 

But today in church I heard a sermon that ended with me tearing up.  And then a man stood up to share about how he and his family are heading to Turkey in August.  And I broke.  I remembered the girl a couple of years ago who was passionate about persecuted Christians and the gospel and passionately pursuing God.  I don't know where I lost that.  But I think it was when I realized I wanted a fairy tale with Jimmy.  I wanted the American dream with Jimmy.  And at some point I must have idolized it.  I valued my dishes over my passions, decorating over evangelism, people liking me over standing apart.  I've somewhat always known God has called me to something different.  I don't know the details on that.  But I've always known that the American dream wasn't God's dream for me.  That's so scary to admit.  It's scary because I know there will probably come a day where I'm going to have to let go of 'stuff' and cling to the cross.  I'm thankful for God's grace because wherever He leads, I get to go with the most amazing man on the planet.  I have no idea where we'll go or what will do.  But I know we're called.  So hear I am, admitting the truth I have never wanted to admit.  Yikes

This year is my year of rest.  I have so many off days, that I will probably mostly work 4 day weeks for the rest of the year.  And I won't be going back to teaching, at least in the public school setting.  (I am planning on finding a part time teaching job.)  I plan on resting in God's presence, because I am sure he has plenty to teach me this year.  I'm going to rest and wait on Him, while supporting my husband and son as much as possible.  Resting because there will come a day that life is different.  Please pray for me as I seek the Lord and seek where He has called me, where He has placed passions in my heart.  Pray that I will understand where the things I love like my family, blogging, teaching, oils, missions belong.  That I will understand the lord's will regarding their balance.  Pray that The Lord will mold me into the person He needs me to be.

Find rest, O my soul; in God alone.  My hope comes from Him.  He alone is my Rock and my Salvation.

~ Psalm 62:5-6



Pushing back the hindrances

Lately.  Lately I am realizing that this year has a calling much higher than I originally anticipated.  I'm seeing that God had far bigger purposes for my life right now.  Actually, I thought I was going to take the year off from learning any spiritual lessons.  Ha.  Haha.  God is far too faithful to let me just maintain my status quo.  I should have known that.

It's amazing to me how God works.  I've had a very 'flavorful' life in regards to lessons learned.  You would think I would have seen a lot, learned a lot, and be shocked by little.  Nope- not true at all.  I'm continually surprised and stunned by the new heights He calls me too.  I can't believe how 'unstretched' I currently am for this new place.  I guess more than surprising, though, is how humbling it is.

I thought I knew so much, had so much figured out.  Truth is, I have so much to learn, so much to understand.  So much pride has been uncovered.  And with that comes a multitude of other things.  I didn't realize this closet existed.  It was too far back in the recesses of my soul I guess.  God's cleaning it out.  It's messy.

But it's beautiful.  I know He is able to do immeasurably more in me than I expect.  (Eph 3:20)  I know that He's faithful to complete the work He started in me.  (Phil 1:6)  He's doing a lot of work in me.  It hurts.  I'm feeling emotions I really haven't felt- probably in 15 years.  {and of course this emotion would have been clouded by teenage absurdity back then- so in many ways this emotion is straight up new to me}  I haven't the slightest idea how God is going to use this in me personally, other than making me more like Christ.  Really, though, being Christlike is all I want.

I do have hope, though, that my current suffering will have eternal good for the world around me.  I see how I am being separated out.  I see the contrast it creates around me.  I see the incompatibility of myself with the world.  While that is really hard, and not something I've experienced, I believe with all my heart that it is a divinely ordained purpose.  I have hope and groan in anticipation of the day the ground is done shaking and new levels of glory are revealed.  I am praying for that.  I hope you pray for it too as you read this.

But more than anything, I am praying I run in a way that is worthy.  It is so scary to attempt to run a race that everyone is watching, and watching to see how you run and whether or not you will fall.  Of course, the reality is that I will fall.  Plenty of times.  As evidenced by my prideful sins, I have a long way to go to be really Christlike.  I am so thankful for His grace which covers each of those mistakes.

As I set new paces in the various areas of my life, I pray I may "forget what is behind (especially how I've failed or am hurt) and strain on toward what is ahead (being more like Christ- showing who He is), I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14.  I feel like I'm daily beating myself into submission with the Word.  It's just not easy.  But praise Jesus that "my light and momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory for me".  Here's to looking heavenward- pushing back all the things that want to cloud my vision from seeing His face- and being the Light in a very dark world.

We are called to be like God the Son

In my last post, I poured out some frustration on the whole Christian judging phenomenon.  If you have ever heard the word Christian, I am sure you've heard some sort of argument on this.  Some people love to latch on the judge not passages.  Some people love to latch on to the fact that we are called to preach out.  Personally, I think anytime you are on an extreme of an opinion, you're probably wrong.  However, as I've mulled over this issue- and really just the hurt it's caused in my own life- I'm seeing it coming down to an interpretation of the Trinity.

I sort of mentioned this briefly in the other post, but I just wanted to outline it in more detail.  So if theology is not your thing, I apologize. 

We are called to be CHRIST like.  To be the body of Christ.  To have the mind of Christ.  To give our lives as servants as Christ.

We were never called or given permission to be God the Father like.  To be God the Father's body.  To have the mind of God.  In fact, the Bible makes it pretty clear we won't have the mind of God for the secret things belong to Him.  (Deut 29:29) and even Christ doesn't know the hour of his return- that belongs to the Father.  God the Father is not the servant.  He is the holy one who can only be reached when you are covered by righteousness.  He is to be worshipped.  And while I do in no way mean to take away from his amazing, abounding love, we are never called to be God the Father.  Ever.

God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit- while they are the same- have very distinct roles.  Christians have only been called to help fill one of those roles.  And that is the role of Christ. 

* God the Father is the standard.  He is and portrays complete holiness.  We are not called to be the standard.  We couldn't be the standard if we tried.  We are models of grace because we are constantly needing our sins forgiven.  God the Father is the Judge.  We are not called to be the Judge of the world.  We are not called to take on that role.  When we take on the role of God the Father, we are almost putting ourselves in His place, which if you want to get nitty gritty is probably idolatry.  We are assuming that our wisdom is enough to determine someone's spiritual state.  Yet, we forget we are finite and have no idea what God is really doing in their heart or in their life.  We have no idea if someone is too far from God, will never repent, or is on the cusp of repenting, or has repented. 

* God the Holy Spirit convicts.  We are not called to convict.  We are shown a protocol to follow when confronting a brother or sister who is in sin.  I'm not taking away from that.  But we are told to do it after much prayer and with much love. And this is strictly for another Christian- not a non believer.  You can't expect someone who is blind to see.  It's not in their power.  You have to lead them lovingly and hope for the best.  But we humans are not able to force the blind to see.  The Holy Spirit must call, convict, and convert.  We are called to serve the lost in love.  And the serving the lost in love- that's Christ- God the Son.

* God the Son was a servant.  He came here to die for us while we were STILL sinning.  That's what we are called to do.  Serve to the point of death.  Death of your reputation.  Death of your material comfort.  Death of friendships.  Not for the sake of a cause against abortion or homosexuality or whatever issue.  But for the sake of people who are lost.  I read the Beautitudes this week.  We are called to be poor in spirit and recognize our own depravity.  If we don't wake up and realize we ARE the least of these.  That we ARE morally depraved.  That there is NOTHING good in us.  That we ARE capable of every sin we decry, we can never be truly effective. 

You can't love someone you think you are more moral than.  

We must cry over our sin and the sin in others lives.  Not in a way of "eww that's so gross!  how could they do that!" but in a way where our heart breaks because as Jesus said 'they know not what they do'.  We sacrifice everything for that.  We serve and serve to try to call people back.  Call them out.  Call them into the light.  We are able to be truly merciful when we understand who God the Father is- that He's holy and unattainable except through Christ.  We are able to be merciful when we understand that were it not for Christ, we would be so far lost.  We are called to serve and to serve in love.  And we can do this when we recognize who we really are in Christ.  Sinners saved by grace.

There will be more coming on this topic.  part 2 will look at who Christ was and what our lives should mirror

see my linking tap to click on the two blogs I am currently linking up with today (Monday) and Into the Word Wednesday

Me, raw and unfiltered



I am human.  I am imperfect.  I fail.  I want to convey reality on my blog as much as possible, but if I'm honest there are plenty of things that in the text of the story, don't get accurately relayed.  I suppose that isn't terrible.  My blog doesn't need to be a list of everything I did wrong that day.  But my prayer for my blog-my life- my mission is that people would never doubt that I am a sinner saved by grace.  That I am the least of these.  That were in not for God's grace I would be *fill in the blank for that sinner*. 

A couple months ago I wrote a post on having had an abortion.  It has been read 1000 times on my blog.  If you look at my blog stats- my piddly little blog that it is- it's pretty insane.  It was featured on The Identify Shift a couple weeks ago, where by the afternoon it had been read 600 times.  And counting.  It's probably been read nearly 2000 times in 2 months.  Insane.  And it's being featured today on Lily Among Thorns. 

It's still scary to know I'm out there, raw and unfiltered, for so many new people.  Beautifully, the majority of people respond with grace and love.  I have truly seen how the truth has set me free in this way.  I opened my soul up.  And the Love of the Body of Christ has filled that pain 1000x over. 

Not everyone responds like that.  Recently,  I was reminded again how people can get so caught up in their causes they forget the people behind them.  No matter how awful a person seems, they still bear Christ's image.  Somehow we've got to reach them.

Here's the thing- my passion, my motivation behind my story is that Jesus is the Friend of Sinners.  Christians seem to think we are called to be "God the Father", who is the judge.  But we aren't.  We are called to be "God the Son".  Christ was an intercessor, a redeemer, the one who goes into the filthy stinky dirty grimy pit of our lives and puts his hand down in the midst of it and pulls someone out.  Christ didn't spend much time judging and holding banners.  He saw needs and He met them himself.  Not through picket lines, but through food lines, and healing lines.  To be Christ like is to put down the cause for the sake of pulling someone out and straight to God.  Pulling out is loving.  Not condemning.  Allow the Holy Spirit to convict.  Our job is to reach out, being willing to touch the least of these, and try to pull them into the light.  

There is a song by Casting Crowns called Jesus Friend of Sinners.  That is the song of the heart of my mission.  I don't know where Christ is leading me.  But that is where I want to pour out my life.  With the sinners.  Because I too, am one of them.  And but for the grace of God, I still would be.
 

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven ~ Matthew 5:3

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ~1 Corinthians 13:2

Coffee Date Vlog- My Mission, My Week

I'm linking up with Rags to Stitches today for Coffee Date.  I'm gonna tell you all about my week and how God rocked my perspective through some sad circumstances which reminded me "all is grace".  I hope you will comment and introduce me to your blog, because I would love love love to get to know YOU better.  Yes, you!  I'm completely in this thing for building relationships and community :)

Also, have you entered the GAP card giveaway?  You should.

Thankful- kids books, myself, my mission

I am grateful for:
* I read "I Love You Forever" to my students this week, and one of my little girls cried.  I mean the sensitive, I am so moved by this story cry.  It was adorable and beautiful.
* A conversation between two of my crazies.  In which one was annoyed and the other said, "I'm sorry, you know how much I care about you!!!!"  What an adorable way to apologize
* Rain in NTX!!!!
* I managed to roll with Plan B joyfully!  (Huge deal for my control freak self)  Our power was out like all day at school yesterday.  Seriously.  We managed to do all our subjects - somewhat loudly and wildly- but we did it.  Normally, that stuff spikes my anxiety.  But I just flowed.  Such a big deal for me yall!

I enjoyed:
* the Bachelor, because I roll like that.
* learning about my personality type in Missions class.  Mainly learning that its normal for my personality to be introverted and need alone time.  I've always kind of been insecure because I'm not the popular type.  Like I needed to change myself.  But I felt so free because thats not it at all.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made with this exact personality.  I can accept the person I am with joy.  God has a plan for my overly sensitive, perfectionist self.  Do I need to learn to let go of the perfectionism?  yes.  But that doesn't change the fact that my personality has a purpose and should be celebrated for its own uniqueness.

I learned:
* I have to trust Jesus so much with my kiddos sometimes.  Teaching is crazy because you pour your heart into 20+ kids a year.  After 6 years, there are pieces of my heart walking all over Texas.  Some weeks they are crazy.  Some they are awesome.  And sometimes they come in and break your heart.  It's so hard because my instinct is to write about those things, but I can't.  Luckily, I serve a loving Father who loves the little ones the most.  I am so thankful that when I release my 2nd grader babies to their homes, God goes with them.  And I just pray and pray and pray that they know His Presence.

I accomplished:
* I have my first giveaway on my blog here.
* My post on teaching the ABCs as missional was linked here.
* This weekend my abortion testimony will be running here.

This is listed under "I accomplished" but that's really not the case at all.  I just want to briefly say that the # of doors God will open really, really increases when you humble yourself and allow your darkest spots to be used.  Honestly, He has done so much with my blog since I blogged about my abortion.  No words.  Except- surrender and allow God to use your shame for His glory.

I am looking forward to:
* getting grades into the computer (not :))
* hanging out with my fellas
* continuing to learn about Nehemiah at church

Teaching the ABCs is Missional

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly... ~ Colossians 3:16

Friday I got a new student, which in low income schools happens pretty often.  Their lives are so transient.  I teach 2nd grade.  The average 2nd grader should be able to read things like Magic Tree House easily at this point in the year.  At a school like mine, that's not usually the case.

I read with this student that afternoon, just to try to gage where I wanted her to be as far as reading groups go (they are ability grouped).  Started a few levels below where she should be.  And we had to keep going back.  And back.  And back.  When she came to the word 'have', she tried nav/mav.  And so I stopped her.  I asked her what the first letter in that word was.  She thought and thought and finally came up with H.  I asked her what that letter said.  She said /n/.  And suddenly I realized why she had just completely bombed an end of kinder book.

On Monday I will have to pick up reading with her, but it's pretty safe to say if she doesn't know her consonant sounds, she is barely reading.  It's heartbreaking.

And then when I was in church last night, Chandler was discussing the importance of reading parts of scripture and just stopping to think about their meaning and impact on your life.  And my heart broke for all these students like "Tay".

I have always known the importance of reading for a life skill.  And in the back of my mind I know the historical reality of Christians starting schools and what not.  But it never occurred to me how vital it was for children to learn how to read for their spiritual good.

Think about it.  If students like "Tay" never learn to read, they can never read the Bible.  If they can never read the Bible, they can never truly intimately come to know Christ.  If they can't understand and think about what they read, they can never make sense of how the words on those pages apply to them.  They can't make sense of the God who desperately loves them and desires to know them.  If they can't read it, they will be forever dependent on someone else to feed them spiritually and can never grow.

Reading is foundational for being prepared to know Christ.  I don't know who out of my class of public school students will ever become a Christian.  I do know I pray for their salvation.  And I do know God is sovereign.

But now I know that I have been entrusted with the gift of building up their tools to access God.  How humbling is that?  And it just nourished my heart in so many ways.  It spurred me on.  I'm not just teaching letter sounds or chunking or character traits or inferencing.  I'm teaching kids the skills they will need to hopefully one day understand who God is and what He's done for them.

Reading is a mission field.  And for that I am so very thankful

::This will be linked up for Into the Word Wednesday::

4 random things about me

Today I am doing my second vlog with Rags to Stitches.  I am sharing 4 things you may or may not know about me.  Or giving more information about things you already know about me including- my biggest struggle, my deepest desires, my childhood idol, and my guilty pleasure.  Enjoy!

Materialism + the Gospel = ???

The harvest is plentiful and the workers are few....

This weekend my church had a Missions Conference.  In case you didn't know, I have a thing for missions....  here and here and I know there is more but I never remember to tag these posts.  I have a thing for missions in all ways, but my #1 love is the persecuted church.  Or persecuted woman.  And incidentally those go together often.  In my dream life, I work in North Africa or some Islamic Meditteranean country with women.

Anyway, last year I wrote this which highlighted my decision to focus less on materialism and more on the eternal.  I have spent the last 6 months really considering each decision I make with my money very carefully.  Not that I have cut back everything, but I have been able to save more and in turn managed to fit sponsoring a child into my budget.  (incidentally that has been a phenomenal daily lesson for Jude).

However, last night, while listening to Dr. Stanley Toussaint, I reexamined my heart regarding this.  He was highlighting the verses from 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 where it talks about how the gospel is the treasure within us and how we are merely jars of clay.  In many ways he reordered my thinking on these verses, but he said something that given my attempts to leave materialism, really struck me.  He said that carrying the death of Christ in our bodies as vs 10 talks about isn't a call to inflict suffering and do without material things but more a recognition that we should be suffering rejection because of Christ.  More of a as they hated Christ, they will hate us thing. (matt 10:22)  And he also said that anytime you see someone who focuses on giving up, you will often find pride and a critical spirit.

And I am so guilty of that.  Maybe it's because I live in Texas which is both full of many, many Christians who also happen to be very well off.  And I have a definite disdain for the way Texas is full of people who fill pews every Sunday and then spend more money than you really need.  And even my typing of that is critical.  And I wonder how many of them are really living as "the called out ones" who are trying to change the world and how many of them just feel good about themselves in their comfortable Christian lives.

So all that to say, somehow I've got to reconcile these two thoughts and reach a place of humility about this.  Because I don't want a critical spirit.  But I also think that sharing the gospel is the only thing of true worth for the Christian.  So I ask you, how do I make sense of this?  How do I live for Christ and the gospel without idolizing materialism but also not idolizing rejecting materialism?  What really is the call for the Christian in a world with more than enough and how do I really reconcile these ideas?

I would really really love your comments on this one, because I honestly am not sure what this should look like.

The Great Sacrifice

First off- I need to figure out what to do about google adding me into "screwed over because I've used 1g of storage" list.  Any advice on that is appreciated.  Boo!  The above picture is one that happens to have been uploaded into my google plus account, but honestly.  I have no idea how to work computers.  So here is a random one from this spring.

Second- today I will just be honest and say I've struggled with a lack of peace.  It's related to absolutely nothing- which is typically the case with me.  I just struggle with anxiety sometimes, so I've been trying today to just remember to refocus on Christ.  The amazing thing about today was that God was so faithful to allow my kids to just be pleasant albeit crazy because it's close to Christmas.  It really was a good day, I just felt the old familiar anxious tension in my body.  I read a couple blogs today that reminded me that this is not my home and that I am seeking peace in Christ alone.  Which always helps.

Third- I finished 2 Timothy this weekend.  Here are the verses that most stuck out to me:

2:9 But God's Word is Not Chained (I am called to live the gospel daily.  I have no idea the eternal ramifications of what I say and do.  That is both humbling/scary and exciting/humbling.)

2:14-16 Warn them against quarreling about words... Present yourself to God as one approved... Avoid godless chatter (makes me question some of the doctrine arguments that plaque the church, and makes me wonder about godless chatter and how much I waste my time with silly, mundane things that just don't advance the gospel or bring God glory...)

4:6 For I am being poured out like a drink offering... 

4:17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and ALL the Gentiles might here it. (Oh praise the one who promises such great things.  And that I get to experience the divine Presence in my life!  Christianity is such a blessed amazing life)

I have had a lot of thoughts on Christian life since I guess I started 1 Thessalonians.  I haven't really gone into them, because they seem so controversial almost.  But I am going to go ahead with some things I've been thinking here tonight.

I wrote a blog post a couple months back while I was in Leviticus called Chasing the Fire.  Leviticus was completely transformational for my life in the sense that saying things like "my life is a sacrifice for Christ" actually meant something.  So many Christian colloquialisms easily become trite.  Leviticus put some of those into a raw perspective.  When Paul refers to himself as a drink offering, that is a Levitical reference.  This was poured onto fire and consumed.  It was raw and painful and involved death of something.  Today we are freed from the law, but the sacrifice is still raw, painful, and involves death.  It's just the death of us.

And in America, what are we really putting to death?  How are we really being poured out?  We live in the most blessed country in so many ways.  We want for very little.  Even our secular Christmas stations tout gospel references for the entire public while even the Christians spend exhorbitant amounts of money on gifts none of us need.  Drink offering?

According to The Joshua Project there are close to 3 billion unreached people in the world.  Unreached does not mean non Christians.  That means they have never heard the name 'Jesus'.  While we sit here and listen to What Child Is This on your Christmas station, they have never heard anything at all about it.  Ever.  All these beautiful people in the world.  And they've never heard.  This comes down to about 7-8k people groups.  That's really not a lot.  I mean in America where millions of Christians go to their snazzy megachurches while driving their BMWs and sipping their lattes, there are 8,000 people dying to hear.  Surely if we megachurch attenders got together we could find enough people to go, right?

I understand that there is a need for Christians in places like America to fund missionaries.  I do.  But I have to ask myself, should there really be a shortage of people willing to pour themselves out raw unto death to share?  8,000 doesn't seem like it should be that hard to reach.  Yet we aren't anywhere close.

Churches love to discuss what spiritual gifts really mean, and how to be a better father, and how does the church interact with politics.  Those are all fine things.  But are they prompting us to pour ourselves out as a drink offering for a world that's dying?

To be fair, I don't think you have to move to Iran to pour yourself out.  But I do think all of us could look at our lives and question the excesses.  All things are loss compared to the surpassing knowledge of Christ.  And while I certainly believe that God is sovereign and can call people to all nations and purposes as He chooses, I have to say, there is definitely a need in the American church at large for true frantic-ness for getting the gospel to all these people.  Or even just a frantic-ness for our own country, sometimes our own churches.  There are lots of hurt, dying to know people that needa drink offering sacrificed for them.

Here is a really good blog about this topic as well.

I am also a huge huge fan of Voices of the Martyrs.  They send out free publications.  I can honestly say I wasn't mission minded prior to getting those.  They have completely changed my perspective.  And I just feel like God continues to redefine and refine my desires and my views on missions.  But that's a post for another day :)

I don't know what this looks like in your life.  I don't even know what it looks like in mine, except that I am growing ever more burdened for the people of the world, realizing that the Christian life is a lot more than my cute new boots and my cute new journal. I know that my life is meant to be poured out- in some way.  The question is how does God want to pour me out for the gospel?  I do know this, wherever the Lord directs me and whatever He asks me to do, I am willing to be sacrificed.  And I reckon thats a good start.

How do you think God wants to use you to reach the world?