Weekend Thoughts

This week- has been quite a week.  I went to study the prairie with my kiddos.  The good news is there were loads of Indian blankets and butterflies.  It was beautiful.  (I have loads of pics on facebook.  Or you can follow me on instagram at thistleashd.  Or you can follow me on twitter also at thistleashd)  More good news- I managed to only get one chigger bite.  The bad news one of my kids got dehydrated, which was beyond scary.  All the more reason to thank your local firemen who come to rescue of little 8 year olds and freaked out teachers.  Then, that evening I got some disturbing news which just made me further rethink ever dating again.  Why are there so many sketchy guys in the world?  Beyond me.

Tuesday- I realized my facebook account had yet again been hacked by craziest ex girlfriend of my ex husband.  Does anyone have a good explanation for some girl who signs into my facebook account to randomly friend my ex's friends and send them friend requests on my behalf?  I'd love to hear it.  Weird is all I've come up with.  I put my facebook on lockdown.  And used an email that is federally offensive to hack.  Boom shaquita!  I spent some time with some good friends.  Not much to complain about there.  Except that in the end of my night a friend once again went off about his love for me.  It's not as sweet or cute as you might imagine.  It's mainly just frustrating.  And so complicated I can't begin to understand or explain it.  Which made me think I should start dating soon.  Ha- jk.  But it would make it easier for him to keep his thoughts in line I think.

Wednesday- I spent my time dealing with and working through all these emotions.  The stress, the disappointment in people.  It was raw and it was real and it was part of life.  But you know what I love about when my emotions are the most raw- how much I crave God then.  I know people like to complain about how we never crave God when it's good.  I see their point.  But I also love knowing that in the times of disappointment, God never disappoints.  Amazing considering how often I disappoint.

Thursday- I spent time dealing with explaining things to my parents.  Who I are always ready to give me another perspective on my life and the random issues it brings.  Plus, I met a friend at Wine2 and then saw a local production of Fiddler on the Roof!  Winning!  (ps I'm sorry but I love using that word. Thank you Courtney from the Bachelor.)

Friday- Today was field day.  Damani made a rap about it.  He also made a rap about Mother's Day on Thursday.  Someone please tell me where I will find another student who makes up raps for me on a regular basis?!?!?!  Best year ever?  Kind of.  I finished my kids reading levels for the year.  I only have   2 at risk.  3 progressing and 15 on or above level.  Which is definitely higher than last year.  Also, considering some of these came in reading at a K level, progress was definitely made!  Praise God!

Quotes of the week:

* Momma, you a princess?  (based off a dress I wore)

* Let me read you a famous book

And my favorite "I lub you momma"

Things I'm pondering:

* politics- why do I strongly disagree with every candidate?  What is the real call of a Christian in a political world?  How do you best take a stand for Christ while loving the world as you're called to?  Why are so many Christians unable to take a stand where the guidelines are clear?  Why do some Christians turn guidelines into battle grounds when love is also so clear?

* life- what do I really want out of it?  What does God really want me to be doing?  I'm really feeling like I'm getting to the place that I really want to move forward.  I'm finding all my fears ebbing, which can only  be an act of the Holy Spirit.  And so the natural next question is where from here?  This is more just exciting, because I know God has great things in store.  I just don't know what to do next.

* motherhood- why is single motherhood so hard?  I am really struggling to find the right balance between my role for Jude and my role for myself.

* the end of the school year- I will never get it all done.  Good gosh.

* Ecclesiastes- what is the 'time' for my life right now?  I think it's a time to try to find God's path, and time to seek peace, and a time to trust.  As always, anxiety gets the best of me sometimes.

So all in all it's been a time for reflection this week.  I think I'm realizing that I need to walk forward in faith without being afraid to leave some people or things behind.  This is true is so many ways.  It's a time for a new path though.  Only God know where that will lead.

As always, if you read this, I covet your prayers- for my wisdom, for peace, for patience...

Thoughts on the Prodigal Son

I recently read Luke 15 during a quiet time, which includes the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  I love this story.  You can't read it and not be touched by the Father's Love for His children.  This isn't the first time I read it since my seperation/divorce, but I guess it's the first time I've read since divorce where I actually have gained perspective on everything.

What really got me thinking today was "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him".  It reminded me of another verse which I love from Romans 8:26 which says "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  I have already been meditating on Romans a lot the past couple weeks.  I actually started thinking about it when it was my turn to give my testimony in small group.  I ended up too choked up to finish my story, but that verse has a lot to do with it.

Looking back over the end of my marriage, all I see is God's hand.  And God's mercy.  I certainly married the wrong guy.  I certainly in some ways deserved to reap the results of an unwise decision.  But while I was still a long way off, my father saw me and was filled with compassion.  So far off, that I didn't even know that I needed to turn and head the other direction.

There were nights upon nights where I cried out to God in the midst of my marriage.  All of those prayers centered on changing myself and changing Michael, because I was determined for it to work.  Divorce was the farthest thing from my mind.  I cried out to God with everything in me.  I had no idea that the Holy Spirit was interceding for me in a way I could never have expected.  I never ever prayed for God to get me out of my marriage.  The Holy Spirit did.  (Now, I know people like to hang on to the fact that God hates divorce.  Before you comment, watch what you say if you don't know my story.)

It took a lot of clear signs from God for me to realize that he was leading me in the direction of divorce.  He literally had to open me up to the idea, because nothing in me would have gone there on my own.  God's love for me was so great, that he saved me from something I didn't know I truly needed to be saved from.  I had been telling myself that it could be fixed, all the while I was allowing myself to be 'dead' and 'lost' to the person I truly am.  But the Holy Spirit interceded for me and the Father met me while I was still a long way off.

I sat on the fence for awhile between the 2 decisions.  I had these visions almost in the midst of this of myself holding Jude with one arm and a scarlet thread.  I felt that like Rahab, I was being given this one chance at escape.  I could either step out in faith and be delivered to the promised land.  Or I could doubt and have my entire world crumble around me.  I poured through a study on Rahab in the midst of making that decision finally settling on Joshua 1:9- be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go.

That promise has absolutely been true.  As soon as I finished that week long study, I took the scarlet thread God had given me and never looked back.  God was truly with me in the most personal sense I'd ever experienced.  Sometimes it was like I could literally feel him sheltering me and covering me.  These past 2 years have marked such an intimacy in my relationship with God to where he has really become the Lover of my Soul.  It's been an extremely difficult 2 years (still is usually difficult), but I can honestly say I've never felt more provided for or loved or satisfied.  And I am so thankful I have a Holy Spirit who understands my hurts more than I ever could and prays for things I don't know I need and so thankful I have a Father who seeks me out and so thankful that I have a Christ who is alive who makes all this possible.

Everything Glorious

A year ago in May I sat across from the lawyer I'd just met, my own Harriet Tubman who would lead me to freedom.  Those early months of separation and divorce between April 2010 to January 2011 are really all a blur, including my first meeting with my lawyer.  I don't remember many details of that meeting but one that always sticks out to me is my mom looking at him with tears in her eyes and saying she just wanted her daughter back.  That was the first time I ever acknowledged the ghost of the person I had become, a mere shadow of the person I once was.

My divorce was final in August of last year, and as I start a new school year, I find myself reflecting on where I was last year and where I am now.  A year ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been.  I was completely broken and terrified and consumed with the lies I'd been told of my own worthlessness.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were days I wanted to just give up, that I doubted my strength to keep going.

Despite those dark days, I can look back and see Christ resurrecting me through each of those moments. In so many ways, he brought me back from the dead.  There is a song that has spoke so much to me during this period called Everything Glorious by David Crowder.  (click the title to listen to it)  I have repeated "You make everything glorious and I am yours" to myself more times than I can count.  So many times I had to choose to believe that was true.  A year later, I can look at myself now and myself then and say without a doubt He does makes everything glorious.  I am so thankful I am His.

There are no words to describe what it's like to live again.  To not be afraid all the time.  To be willing to allow yourself simple pleasures without worry.  To smile and laugh with your whole self.  To live in the moment. To be happy with life and yourself.  To feel good enough.  To be satisfied with who you are in Christ.  I am so thankful I can look back and see so clearly how God took the situation I was in, brought me through it, AND made everything glorious.

Praise God "who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles." Psalm 103: 4-5