My Calling, right now

Today I read this blog which I loved.  Throughout the years I've followed and unfollowed (and followed again sometimes) a variety of blogs.  At my core, I am an avid reader.  I will waste most of my precious hours reading thoughts, thinking about those thoughts, and pondering changing my own thoughts in response.  This blog is the kind that can make me do just that.

Lately, I just haven't been blogging.  And if you were to keep track of all the blogs I used to read vs the ones I read now, you would know a precious few blogs are still around on my blog feed.  It's not that I didn't love those other blogs, it's just there is so much to the whole blogging community thing that I just don't think is part of my assignment right now.  For awhile, I thought maybe it could be.  Who doesn't like the idea of lots of people reading what they write?  I'd love to be able to write and write all the time.  But it just doesn't seem to fit into my assignment right now.

I could probably spend an entire blog post on all the things I can't do right now, but where's the fun in that.  Instead, there are so many things that I can do where I am right now.

So here is a list of the simple things I'm called to do right now:

1- I am called to Shepherd.  I read this week in Ezekiel about God's role as the Shepherd in Israel's life, and I immediately thought of all teachers (and moms).  It was so beautiful.  v15-16: I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.  I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... I will shepherd the flock with justice.  I just love that.  The environment I am called to create is one of peace and welcoming and home and belonging and healing and strengthening and freedom and justice.  That's not an easy job when you are dealing with 'sheep' who throw temper tantrums or talk back or try to see what they can get away with.  Sheep who are forgetful and tired and distracted.  It's certainly never ending.  Yet, God's chasing after my own heart is similarly never ending.  I just impulsively responding to Jude's disruption of my typing with frustration.  And God had to remind me of what I was in the middle of typing.  And remind me to actually do it.  It's not easy for me in all my selfish humanity.  But I do know this is my assignment.

2- I am called to wait and be patient.  Jimmy and I have this amazing relationship.  I am beyond blessed with his presence.  He is just someone I plain love to be around.  He stretches me- to be a little calmer, a little more patient, a little more understanding (I have very OCD like tendencies about my kitchen).  He models for me what service looks like when it's truly lived out.  I am assigned to learn from him and follow him.  Yet, we are still within dating boundaries.  So sometimes I have to learn to be content where I am.

3- I am called to encourage.  This is something that I am really starting to see as the how God can use me right now sort of thing.  I don't have time to serve in my church.  I barely have time to get to church each week.  I'm not the kind of person who does well juggling lots of things.  I need downtime- not because I'm selfish or lazy.  I honestly am just a truly introverted, highly sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed.  It really limits what I can do.  What I am realizing is that through the discipline of 1000 gifts, God has helped me become gifted at seeing the good.  I can share that perspective with teachers, parents, friends, etc.  That really is a needed service in this world.  So many people are weighed down by so many things.  Encouragement in a 'dirty laundry news society' is truly needed.  And I can do that.  I love doing it!  I could spend all day encouraging others.  That's an assignment I feel enabled (by Him) and called to do.  And I just really love it!  Christ has filled me greatly the last year plus.  He only fills what He expects to flow over and on to others.  There is so much joy in encouraging others!

4- I am called to trust.  For those of you that have followed my life awhile, you know that anxiety has been my constant companion.  I think I have always had undercurrents of anxiety all my life.  I am one of those highly sensitive people.  I am a true melancholic introvert (as in the personality type) and stress easily over my own perceived imperfections.  After Michael and divorce, those things just hit the fan, and anxiety turned to full fledged panic.  Right now, I am in the middle of weaning myself off medication, which was very much my saving grace.  I'm nervous that it won't work.  Nervous that I will end up back on them.  Nervous I'm perpetually flawed.  But I know perfect love drives out fear.  I know God is good.  I know even in His presence, the bad is used for good.  With that knowledge I am called to trust.  I choose to believe that God has the power to heal me from never needing medication again.  If he does that it will be for His glory alone.  I choose to believe that if he doesn't He has a reason for my continued struggle with anxiety.  I know He loves me.  And love like His covers it all.

My assignment is pretty simple.  Yet it is also very full.  It isn't the kind of assignment that will make me known in popular circles.  That's ok.  I know that this is where I am, this is where I am called to be. I can't do it all, but I can be faithful with what I am called to do.  In the parable of the talents, some were entrusted with many talents, some a few.  Yet, all those who were faithful with their talents were told 'well done' at the end.  I may have just been entrusted with simple talents, but whether my talents are big and mighty or small and mundane, the point has always been to be faithful with them.  And that, I can do :)

For Your Maker is Your Husband- Isaiah 54

For those of you who don't know, I've been working on reading through the Bible for basically 2 years now.  I've made it through the New Testament once and am back in Mark.  In the Old Testament, I've read Genesis through to 2 Kings and Job through to Isaiah.  Yesterday, I read Isaiah 54.  I actually read verses from this when I was reading through one of my favorite life changing books, Breaking Free- by Beth Moore.  (this book is a must read for all women I think, especially if you have experienced any type of abuse.)  She refers to part of this chapter when she talks about the dreams of all women to be fruitful and have children.

I had never read this chapter in its entirety, at least that I remember.  This chapter is for any woman who has struggled with fertility, or been abandoned, or divorced, or abused, or unmarried.  If you have struggled with any of the big 'women issues' or disenfranchisement with typical 'women dreams' in life, this chapter is for you.  I wish I could type it out in its entirety, but instead I'm going to link you to this chapter on another website.  Here.

I hope you read it and found it encouraging!  Here's where I have struggled:  I've been abandoned, I've been in an abusive relationship, I've worried about never getting married, in the past I worried about never having kids, I've worried that I won't be able to have kids by the time (if) I get remarried... I still struggle with some of these things.  Thankfully, with my experiences through healing from a divorce and abortion and all of those things, my struggles have become less.  But I do notice those thoughts every now and then.  I've just learned to trust God (in those areas- I still struggle a lot with faith).

I'm learning to accept reality with joy.  The reality is that Jude will be much older than any other brothers or sisters he may have.  But the joy is that I've gotten to pour into Jude more than I ever will with any child.  It's been just he and I as long as he can remember.  While it isn't ideal, it does create a special bond and almost friendship that you won't have otherwise.  I don't know that it's always a good thing, but I do think it is a special gift for the single momma.  And I have a feeling I will be close to Jude in a lifelong way because of this.  Another reality is that I will be 30+ before I get remarried and even later before I have more kids.  But the joy is that the road I've walked will make me extremely thankful when all of those things come along.  I will really appreciate them in ways I wouldn't have otherwise.  Another joy is the possibility of adoption.  Yes, in my dream world, I have 5 biological children.  But I do think that as you experience different parts of life, you get to experience different parts of God's character.  I do think that adoption allows you to understand the fact that God adopts us more than I currently do from the lack of adoption standpoint.  Whatever your life experience, wherever you are, there is joy to be found, and a way to see God differently because of it.  And that's always a gift.

This passage encouraged me in many ways.

* vs 1-2 tell us women to burst into song, shout for joy, do not hold back... How many times have you thought "I will do that sometime after I'm married... I will be able to do that more when I have kids... I would be able to do that if it weren't for abuse....  I know I have.  But God tells us to not let our dreams for the future nor our past hurts hold us back.  God has you where you are today for a purpose. A great purpose.  Dive into it fully!  If God is leading you to something, go for it with everything you have.  You can trust him to provide for the future along the way.  But don't spend your life waiting.  Serve him now.

* vs 1 also says that many more are the children of the desolate woman than she who has a husband.  At this point in my teaching career, I've had 120+ children that I have poured my entire soul into loving, teaching, molding in every way.  There is no way I could ever biologically have that many children.  But I consider them all mine.  And I've prayed for them all like they were mine.  And I love them all deeply.  I haven't forgotten any of them.  And you better believe that one of the first things I will do after I get to heaven (besides hugging my Grandma and my other baby) will be to ask God who out of my 'kiddos' is in heaven.  Or making sure He tells me when they do get there!

* vs 4 tells us to not be afraid, do not be ashamed, do not fear disgrace...  While I think this was more intense in Bible times since barrenness was considered a consequence of sin, women are still prone to thinking less of themselves when they experience these lost dreams.  But we don't need to feel that way.  I'm currently reading Loving God with Your Mind by Elizabeth George.  She quotes Alan Redpath as saying "there is nothing that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me.  If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose."  I love that!  Abuse came with great purpose!  Abandonment came with great purpose!  Single mommahood came with great purpose!  If I am single forever it will come with great purpose!  If I never have more children it will come with great purpose!  And rest assured,  all your past and present circumstances have come with great purpose too!  None of us know the future, but we can trust God that the future is full of great purpose as well.

* vs 5-10 is our love song I think.  A love song from our Maker who has an unfailing love that will not be shaken.  I personnally love the way it talks of how he loves and calls back the wife who married young only to be rejected.  He loves us so much.  So intimately.  Have you ever spent hours creating something?  For me this comes back to painting.  I remember every brushstroke.  I remember the colors I used and mixed.  I remember blending the colors just so.  I remember putting the paint thicker for certain reasons.  I was there for each second of the process.  And I put all of my energy into each square millimeter.  No teensy spot went unnoticed.  And the more I pour into a painting, the more I love it.  It makes it hard to give away a painting, because there are parts of me in that painting I could never get back.  Even though someone may love the painting and see beauty in it (he- like a husband) could never love it the way I (like God) could love it.  Because I created it.  Women are the painting.  And God has poured himself into each cell and second of our lives.  And even if a dream guy comes along to buy the painting, he will never love it as intimately as God loves us.  Not even close.  You are loved so deeply.  And that is worth far more than a house full of children or the best marriage or a pain free past :)

 

What I wore:

dress: frock stock (online)
shoes: blowfish via zulily (online)

Thankfulness. And Grace

The past few weeks I feel like I've been learning a whole lot about grace and who God is and just all this stuff.  I've learned to have grace for myself because I'm having a hard time waking up in the morning, so sometimes I don't have time for the 3 chapters of the Bible I like to read.  I've been filled with this acceptance of the reality of mornings- without feeling guilty or what not.  Although I love having my time, I worry a lot that if I don't then I will be a terrible person.  Slightly true, but dwelling on that takes away from the fact that the Spirit is with me whether I read a couple chapters or a couple verses.  And that God has grace for rough mornings.

On the other hand, I feel like the mornings that I do have the time to pour into the Word, the things I'm learning are so rich and amazing.  I don't mean for this to sound in any way condescending, but the Bible is just sooo good.  I can't imagine not reading it often.  I know I've said it before, but really, you should read it :)

Anyway, without further delay, here are some things I'm thankful for:

* creativity and relaxation.  for some reason this week, I've been super tired.  but jude has also made laying around easy.  in fact in some ways, he's embraced it.  the above picture is of him with the bed he made himself in his toy chest.  fun fact- that is my toy chest from when i was a little girl.  my dad actually made it for me.  and i used to make beds in there too :)

* this week we had rock star day at school-- "rock the staar" or something like that, which is our state standardized test.  i got to wear my new bob dylan t shirt from target.  i think i mentioned it a couple days ago when i was showing off my marley t.  anyway its about the most comfortable t shirt imaginable.

* this kid- seriously.  motherhood is a beautiful thing.  i am so blessed to have this boy in my life.  today he started saying 'awesome' all the time.  i don't say that word very often, so i guess he picked it up from school.  he loves to make up stories, especially scary ones.  he's such a creative, lively thing.  and i just enjoy him.

My 1000 gifts list....

802.  Family in town

803.  Fresh baked cookies

804.  Jude hiding so he can surprise me when I come in

805.  Jude relaxing with blankets and watching tv

806.  Family dinner with plenty of laughs

807.  The hands and face of a sleeping toddler

808.  Good talks with my mom over coffee

809.  Buying Easter clothes and necessities

810.  Girls night concerts full of laughs

811.  Family breakfast

812.  A whole day of relaxing on the couch

813.  Rich time in the Word and being reminded that God gives good gifts to His children and even suffering is a gift and is grace  

814.  Lenten reflections from a coworker

815.  A great working, listening morning with my class- and on a Monday at that

816.  Students excited to share their learning with me

817.  The way my job allows me to give the kids the opportunity to form healthy attachments with me

818.  The excitement of morning coffee when I wake up

819.  Rock staar days at school

820.  A little girl who got to spend the day at her aunt's in Dallas!  and go to Old Navy!  and buy clothes!  and her house has stairs!  - She was so excited and it reminded me what it was like to look through the least of these- where even stairs are considered a luxury.

821.  Laughing with Jude and a just the two of us Easter day

822.  Zoo day with friends

823.  Friends who adopt and inspire me

824.  Being done with all I need to do for a job situation

825.  Cold spring mornings

826.  Raindrops on thistle leaves

827.  Children running through wet mulch, smiling

828.  Cold, damp air- just the right snuggling temperature

829.  Bright green leaves against the grey sky

830.  The way Madison and Victoria have come so far in their reading

831.  How proud Tai was about her reading a book by herself

832.  Making my bf laugh

Thankful- budding artists and being late

  Thankful for Jude's painting of the sun and the forest.  He was so proud of this one.  Normally, he doesn't want to paint at home, but this one, he was excited about.  I think it's supposed to be Abraham Lincoln's log cabin.  Regardless, I love seeing him proud of himself :)

 Thankful for time for myself.  This week has been less than ideal.  A lot of that has to do with late appointments and things after work 3 out of 4 nights.  I'm not the kind of person who does well being on the go all the time.  Last night I had to force myself to just step back and do some self care.  By the time I got home, there wasn't time for much.  Squeezing a tiny bit of yoga in though was just what I needed.  Just enough light to get me to Friday. 

Who isn't thankful for kiddo feet?  I don't know what I will do when Jude becomes a real kid.  I am so thankful he's still a preschooler and still little and cute.  It breaks my heart to think of him grown up.  All the more reason to treasure those moments of adorable where they are.

Having Jude enjoy his time in the bathroom was what one of my blogging friends called those 10 minutes of wonder.  I wrote the other day about all the moments I lose.  I'm thankful to have been so encouraged by so many other moms out there who've struggled with the same thing.  And I'm thankful that I was able to enjoy this moment fully.  Jude was showing me how he was an artist and how he could make paintings with the soap bubbles on the wall.  I love watching him just be proud and excited about himself :)

I'm thankful for the unexpected.  One morning this week, my babysitter ended up needing to meet me to get Jude.  Which meant about 5-10 minutes of Jude and I hanging out in my back seat taking selfies.  Instead of worrying about being late, I embraced the moment and just enjoyed being with him.  Such a sweet smile for the morning.  And the best part?  I ended up being 10 minutes early for work.  Go figure.

I saw this the other day on the playground.  As a girl who is SO OVER winter, seeing this ladybug was probably the biggest sigh of relief.  I mean we can't have them without spring right?  I am so ready for warmer days.  Not however ready for the inevitable 110* days we will have this summer ;)

Finally, I'm thankful to have finished reading through the New Testament cover to cover.  I started like summer 2011 (seriously) trying to read through the Bible.  I started reading a chapter from Genesis, Job, and Matthew.  I just finished the New Testament though, which was pretty exciting!  Still have a ways to go in the Old Testament.  Right now I'm in 2 Samuel and Isaiah.  I'm thankful I managed to stick with it though, and not give up.  It takes a loooong time.  But realizing that's ok was a good thing.

What are you thankful for?

Running the Race- 2013

Yesterday I finished reading the book of Hebrews.  If you weren't aware, I am working on reading through the Bible...  The last 4 chapters of Hebrews I just wrote and wrote and wrote pages in my prayer journal.  So much good.  But in light of the day I had, I am going to focus in on the verses I kept replaying in my head today.

12:1-2, 14-15 ~ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross... Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up....

Today was one of those days where you realize that life does feel like a marathon that I'm halfway through.  And my muscles are in fact aching.  And I wish that I could just pull myself over to the side and check out of the race for awhile.  But I've been told to run.  Not walk, not jog.  Run.  And so I persevere.  Granted there are changes I hope to make throughout the next 6 months (prayers appreciated), but for now, run.

I am fixing my eyes on Jesus trying to find the faith to believe I am in the place that He chose for me to do the job He chose for me and perfectly both designed me for and designed for me.  Even though everything in my body is screaming "no no no".  And then we come to that word Joy.

Oh Joy.  So much deeper than transient emotion.  A sustaining contentment.  And how on earth do I find a way to be content when I'm overwhelmed by lists and expectations and people who seem to lack the ability to phrase what the need to say respectfully??  I remember that my responses reflect Christ.  Who endured the cross for my sake.  And I find joy in the fact that I can control my responses in such a way as to reflect Christ and that's sharing the gospel and that is the one thing I love more than any other.  It's crazy because the thought of sharing the gospel through my actions really does make me smile!  I can live in peace with people who come off rudely when I find joy in getting to show them the love of Christ.  How priveledged am I that I even get to show others Christ?!?!  I wish I could say in the moment I do that.  I don't.  But typing and reflecting on it, I know I will start my day with the goal of trying to respond with Christlike joy to even negative attitudes.  Without holiness no one will see the Lord.  What a weighty statement.  But I want more than anything for my life to reflect Christ.  So I will persevere in hopes of sharing Christ.

Not just for their good, but for mine.  So that I don't miss the grace of God.  Ohhh 1000 gifts.  The list that I must keep counting for it is my one antibiotic against a negative, anxious, overwhelmed heart.  Some gifts from today: lunch with a friend where we reflected on how our jobs show Christ, eating dinner with Jude and him telling me all about his day- I love that part of 3yr olds, encouraging words from a friend, encouraging words from my bf, a vanilla latte, getting to read Kevin Henkes books this week, reading Katy and the Big Snow with Jude and talking about buldozers (he got one for Christmas) and watching him act out the story, the Bachelor comes on tonight, the sunset, a golden cat which perfectly camouflaged into the golden grass, Jude making up songs, having leftovers so I didn't have to make dinner in my exhaustion..... And even with that list the grace of God, I know, is so extensive, there are 1000s I'm still missing.... like my brakes worked today... or I managed to fill up my gas before it went up 10 cents.... Oh the love of God that is immeasurably more than I can imagine.  Oh the joy of running this race in a way that causes no one around me to miss seeing the Lord through me. 

Here's to teaching this semester.  And if you think about it, pray for me, and all the teachers  :)

     

My Knight in Shining Armour

I started this post awhile ago.  But never finished it.  And now I'm halfway through Judges and don't know where to begin.  I am going to get back in to the whole blogging about books of the Bible sometime after the new year settles and I refind my routine.  But for now I'm going to "accept" that the time just isn't there....

*****________________________________*****

I finished reading through Joshua this week.  This might have to be one of my favorite books of the Old Testament.  It was so rich and powerful and full of applications I need desperately.  This blog post is going to just be a more bulleted list I think because its so much good and I know its hard to maintain focus on long blog posts!

"Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan into the land I am about to give to them." Joshua 1:2
Getting ready was a process.  They didn't know when.  But they prepared themselves.  Am I ready to go when and where God directs?  If He says it's time to move, will I be able to?

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ 1:9
The entire first chapter is about being ready to go where God leads, not being afraid, and know that God has given you victory and rest.  I love the idea of God giving me rest.  These burdens aren't mine to carry.  God has plotted it out for me.

"I know that the Lord has given this land to you and a great fear of you has fallen on us ... for the Lord your God is God in heaven above and on earth below." 2: 9, 11
This verse is Rahab talking, who is one of my spiritual heroes.  I clung to her story in the midst of leaving Michael.  She makes me wonder Do I recognize God at work?  Do I see world events and acknowledge it as God?  Do I have confidence in God's sovereignty?  to not react with fear, but know that God is with me wherever the world goes?

"When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it.  Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before." ~ 3: 3-4
When I see God move I need to begin to follow for He alone knows where to go.  This requires my eyes always be looking to him and watching for His signal.

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you." ~ 3:5
In all I do, I need to consider myself holy for the Lord.  God creates situations to show how he wants to use you and what your purpose is.  I need to be constantly thinking, meditating, pondering, praying, thanking in regards to any and every life situation (even my anxiety) for the Lord has a plan to do amazing things through all I experience.  He takes the ugly and consecrates it as holy and for His purpose.

"Now the priests who carried the ark remained standing in the middle of the Jordan until everything the Lord had commanded Joshua was done by the people." ~ 4:10
The priests had to continually trust in God's promise.  They stood there while clan after clan after clan of the Israelites passed over.  When fear or pain seem to be swirling around us, we can rest of Christ and His promises.  Those promises are our sure, dry ground, even when around us is terrifying.

"The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate of the produce of Canaan." ~ 5:12
The Lord will sustain us with exactly what we need as long as we need it.  The manna lasted not a moment too long and ended not a moment too soon.  God's timing is flawless and trustworthy.

"The commander of the Lord's army replied, "Take off your sandals, for the places where you are standing is holy" 5:15
Jesus is the commander of the Lord's army.  He goes before us and fights our battles.