My Calling, right now

Today I read this blog which I loved.  Throughout the years I've followed and unfollowed (and followed again sometimes) a variety of blogs.  At my core, I am an avid reader.  I will waste most of my precious hours reading thoughts, thinking about those thoughts, and pondering changing my own thoughts in response.  This blog is the kind that can make me do just that.

Lately, I just haven't been blogging.  And if you were to keep track of all the blogs I used to read vs the ones I read now, you would know a precious few blogs are still around on my blog feed.  It's not that I didn't love those other blogs, it's just there is so much to the whole blogging community thing that I just don't think is part of my assignment right now.  For awhile, I thought maybe it could be.  Who doesn't like the idea of lots of people reading what they write?  I'd love to be able to write and write all the time.  But it just doesn't seem to fit into my assignment right now.

I could probably spend an entire blog post on all the things I can't do right now, but where's the fun in that.  Instead, there are so many things that I can do where I am right now.

So here is a list of the simple things I'm called to do right now:

1- I am called to Shepherd.  I read this week in Ezekiel about God's role as the Shepherd in Israel's life, and I immediately thought of all teachers (and moms).  It was so beautiful.  v15-16: I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.  I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... I will shepherd the flock with justice.  I just love that.  The environment I am called to create is one of peace and welcoming and home and belonging and healing and strengthening and freedom and justice.  That's not an easy job when you are dealing with 'sheep' who throw temper tantrums or talk back or try to see what they can get away with.  Sheep who are forgetful and tired and distracted.  It's certainly never ending.  Yet, God's chasing after my own heart is similarly never ending.  I just impulsively responding to Jude's disruption of my typing with frustration.  And God had to remind me of what I was in the middle of typing.  And remind me to actually do it.  It's not easy for me in all my selfish humanity.  But I do know this is my assignment.

2- I am called to wait and be patient.  Jimmy and I have this amazing relationship.  I am beyond blessed with his presence.  He is just someone I plain love to be around.  He stretches me- to be a little calmer, a little more patient, a little more understanding (I have very OCD like tendencies about my kitchen).  He models for me what service looks like when it's truly lived out.  I am assigned to learn from him and follow him.  Yet, we are still within dating boundaries.  So sometimes I have to learn to be content where I am.

3- I am called to encourage.  This is something that I am really starting to see as the how God can use me right now sort of thing.  I don't have time to serve in my church.  I barely have time to get to church each week.  I'm not the kind of person who does well juggling lots of things.  I need downtime- not because I'm selfish or lazy.  I honestly am just a truly introverted, highly sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed.  It really limits what I can do.  What I am realizing is that through the discipline of 1000 gifts, God has helped me become gifted at seeing the good.  I can share that perspective with teachers, parents, friends, etc.  That really is a needed service in this world.  So many people are weighed down by so many things.  Encouragement in a 'dirty laundry news society' is truly needed.  And I can do that.  I love doing it!  I could spend all day encouraging others.  That's an assignment I feel enabled (by Him) and called to do.  And I just really love it!  Christ has filled me greatly the last year plus.  He only fills what He expects to flow over and on to others.  There is so much joy in encouraging others!

4- I am called to trust.  For those of you that have followed my life awhile, you know that anxiety has been my constant companion.  I think I have always had undercurrents of anxiety all my life.  I am one of those highly sensitive people.  I am a true melancholic introvert (as in the personality type) and stress easily over my own perceived imperfections.  After Michael and divorce, those things just hit the fan, and anxiety turned to full fledged panic.  Right now, I am in the middle of weaning myself off medication, which was very much my saving grace.  I'm nervous that it won't work.  Nervous that I will end up back on them.  Nervous I'm perpetually flawed.  But I know perfect love drives out fear.  I know God is good.  I know even in His presence, the bad is used for good.  With that knowledge I am called to trust.  I choose to believe that God has the power to heal me from never needing medication again.  If he does that it will be for His glory alone.  I choose to believe that if he doesn't He has a reason for my continued struggle with anxiety.  I know He loves me.  And love like His covers it all.

My assignment is pretty simple.  Yet it is also very full.  It isn't the kind of assignment that will make me known in popular circles.  That's ok.  I know that this is where I am, this is where I am called to be. I can't do it all, but I can be faithful with what I am called to do.  In the parable of the talents, some were entrusted with many talents, some a few.  Yet, all those who were faithful with their talents were told 'well done' at the end.  I may have just been entrusted with simple talents, but whether my talents are big and mighty or small and mundane, the point has always been to be faithful with them.  And that, I can do :)

Created in His Image- a little prophecy

When I received an email from Sweet Susannah regarding this blog topic I was both excited and nervous.  To be honest, I have struggled to find a topic I could really run with that was deep in any way.  I have these ideas, but can't seem to find the time to put them out there.  That and so many of them still seem too abstract in my head to formulate into anything.  It's frustrating because those spiritual/walk with the Lord posts are my favorites.  And to be honest, I've been learning some amazing things in 1 Chronicles/Jeremiah/John where I'm currently reading.  So I'm nervous.  But I am praying for the words to come.  And I know God promises that I can wait in expectation for His Spirit to come.

So I did.  And I have.  And I'm going to go off on this topic to a place that might not really be considered to be about being in His image, per se.  But I've become more and more overwhelmed by the need to speak this out lately.  I say this with love and a desire for you to know Christ so so so deeply.

Christ walked with conviction.  We are called to walk with conviction.  John 4:24 says we must worship the Father in Spirit and Truth.  I don't know if you are as painfully aware as I am, but this postmodern, relativistic world we live in doesn't hold to dogmatic truth.  That's great for the world.  But Christians- we are called to walk against grain of the world.  We are called to be Christ to the world and to do that, we have to look/act/be different.  Christ warned us over and over that all men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved (Matthew 10:22).  Christian- if your opinions on things are such that the world admires your openness, you might not be walking in the image and conviction of Christ.  No I am not endorsing you to be rude.  Conviction has to do with how you stand firm in what you believe.  You can love everyone without compromising what you believe.  I don't have to love the sinner by acting like the sinner.  I am saying love the sinner like Christ did- by calling him or her out of sin (He always did this gently in a 'this is what God says way' not a 'your wrong way') and walking with him so he can go and sin no more.  There's no compromise in that.  None.

I am the first to acknowledge that it's hard to live as Christ did.  I struggle daily with being selfish.  And honestly, I am way too quick to use certain words I've never quite managed to glean out of my vocabulary.  I know it takes serious resolve to stay pure in a relationship as a Christian.  I've been on the failure side of that with Michael.  And praise the Lord, I've managed to walk in the Spirit of Christ with Jimmy.  It is a struggle.  But we can't just give up defeated and say oh well, I'm just going to wallow in my sin and embrace it.  We are not to sin all the more so grace can abound all the more.  Paul specifically addresses this.  Christ (albeit perfectly) fought and fought against Satan's temptation. No matter how many times we fail, Christian, as an image bearer of Christ to the world, we had better keep fighting.  We have a standard= Christ.  We are called to live by the standard.  And we thank God for grace when we can't.  But grace doesn't change the standard.  

Therefore I urge you, in view of God's mercy (grace/love), to offer your bodies (image of Christ and what He did) as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship (which we do in Spirit and Truth).  Do not conform (you ought to live different) any longer to the pattern(thinking-what is right/wrong/truth) of this world, but be transformed by the renewing (know your Bible) of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. ~ Romans 12: 1-2

Ladies (and gents), wayyyy too many Christians look, believe, think, and act like the world.  With every compromise on purity, every compromise in relationships, every compromise on excess, every compromise on what we fill our minds with, every compromise with politics, we sully Christ's image.  I am so disappointed in the Church as a whole today.  Anything goes.  And half the time church is nothing more than a pep talk or better yet a freak show entertainment set with great bands and some cool set props.  This isn't Bible based Christianity.  As for those of you who say the gospel needs to be 'relevant'....

I'm pretty sure the need for salvation is 'relevant' to all people.  Since all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.. (but we are) justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus. Romans 3:23-24.  There's no way to need a live lion and live lamb on the stage to explain to people why they need Christ.  Sorry.  Why don't you take your excess prop money and spend it on mission trips.  There are about 3 billion people who've never heard of Christ.  Don't think suburbia needs your daggum cool church props while all these unreached go to hell because no will come tell them the gospel.  Christ healed and spoke truth into people's lives.  That's all anyone needs.  And my guess is, in this world today, people need to hear/see/taste truth more than ever before.

For those of you that say the Bible needs to be relevant to the times because people and opinions have changed... well I think that's just plain dangerous.  First of all, it is irrelevant again because the point of Christ is that all have sinned and fallen short and we are justified by grace.  (see above).  Since no one in modern times has stopped sinning, that is not valid.  Second of all, Christ made clear what standards fell away from the Law with his arrival and what standards didn't.  Standards of purity, standards on the value of life, standards on what is sin never changed.  What changed was our access to grace.  Grace is not this magical thing that makes it possible to live lives of excess, selfishness, entertain me.  Grace doesn't reward us with strokes to our ego, it's ok if you don't choose purity, date who you want, choose what you do with your body.  No- it's not ok.  Grace covers the mistakes, but it definitely expects you to be looking up to Christ and changing your behavior.

I am no perfect person.  And I fail at looking like Christ way way too much.  But I grieve so so so much for my fellow millenial generation.  This generation just struggles with a standard of truth.  Too many of us are willing to cross over the battle lines to be friends- and leave the truth behind us.  We need to find a way to hold to the truth when we are out loving others.  What good is our social justice, our open mindedness, if it waters down who Christ is, what he stood for?  And ohh the atrocity of the lost not hearing and receiving Christ because we are too worried about blending our image of Him in with the world!

Dear Christian, I pray you know Christ so intimately that His glory is worth far more than your desires or your reputation or your friendships.  Seek Him first, and all the things you want will be added to you.

His Love Always,

Thistle

Chasing the Fire- Part 1

Jude and I through the looking glass at the Dallas World Aquarium

I am currently reading through Leviticus (just started), Psalms (will be here forever), and finished John today.  Here's what's been really interesting to me- I can make so many "text to text connections" (teacher word) between all 3 texts each day.  And it's kinda so fascinating- I sometimes sneak in an extra set of chapters.  Do you know how crazy it is to think that the Bible is more of a page turner than my New York bestselling novel?  I'm not the 'super Christian' type.  I'm pretty average.  And usually feel pretty steeped in sin.  I say this only to say that anyone can study the Bible and really glean something out of it.  Because it's not about being a super Christian- it's about the Holy Spirit.  He does it, and all of us terrible sinners get to join him for the ride.  #1000 gifts friends, 1000 gifts....

I've got to say Leviticus has been fascinating and convicting.  My heart just doesn't have Jesus on the throne enough.  For a long time my throne was occupied with Michael or someone else.  God removed that idol threw open heart surgery.  And lately I am noticing my idol is trendiness trendiness trendiness. This is driven by a desire to create and recreate.  It's not bad necessarily.  The problem is that it keeps me from having an eternal focus.  And I wonder if it keeps me from hearing God's voice?  

There are two things that have really stuck out to me:

an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the Lord...

This line appears approximately 14 times in 6 chapters.  So given that it is mentioned nearly twice daily in my readings, I've been thinking about it.  In Romans, Paul mentions that our bodies our living sacrifices.  Heard that a million times, but reading through what a sacrifice actually involved is really giving me a fuller understanding.  All these sacrifices were made by fire.  Made by fire.  Looking back, I can think of countless trials in my life.  They have all made me the person I am, for better or worse.  Mostly better, because God has certainly used those more than anything to purify my heart.  Those times where the fire is raging around my life, are the times I am most likely beholding God's face and presence in my life.  Blessed are the persecuted...  And those are the times that my life is an aroma pleasing to the Lord.  Now I am not saying that in the midst of the good times, I am no longer pleasing.  But I will say this, if I am not willingly subjecting myself to the fire of doing more for others than myself or giving more than I spend on myself or being vocal about my faith as opposed to hiding it for popularity's sake, if I am running or hiding from the fire, I might have a problem.  (See the idol on my throne which I am working through...)  No sin is an easy fix, and this is certainly no different.  I am really trying to pray through this and understand what God is saying fully, although I have some ideas.

Here's the other thing:

All the fat is the Lord's - 3:16

There is a good bit mentioned about the fat, although not to the extent of being made by fire.  I am not sure what this means for today, but here are some things I've being playing around with.  (This could be totally wrong, by the way.)  Fat is used to insulate, comfort, protect, add flavor.  It's extra, or as we say in Louisiana, lagniappe.  Thinking in those terms, the fat of my life would be trends, new bands, changing my hair color, shoes, clothes, instagram, fashion blogs...  They add flavor to my life.  They are the little extras that I find interesting and fun.  But they aren't needs.  Those things belong to the Lord first.  None of these things are bad.  I am not saying I needed to be rocking an out of touch with reality look.  In fact, I discourage that, because I think we are supposed to be in the world enough to be able to carry on a normal conversation with anyone of any background/belief/gender/race/sexual orientation/whatever.  But those things should not be what makes me what I am.  I am not of this world.  

But how in the world do I find that balance?  What does a trendy Christian who has surrendered her interests for the sake of Christ look like.  These mainly hold me back in particular area, which I will talk about as God reveals more.  It's kind of hidden in my heart for now.  However, today, what can I do to surrender my love of the trends so that even my love of trends brings Christ glory?

............................................................................................................

I don't know all these answers yet, but here's what I am looking for: ways to chase the fire...  Not the American dream, not my comforts, not myself- not when there is a world out there dying and unreached.  

I have so much to say on this regarding what I've been reading in Psalms and John and Acts... but that will have to wait... 

Please share your thoughts.  I really want this blog to engage me and you in conversation.  I love being challenged and growing from other ideas :)