My Calling, right now

Today I read this blog which I loved.  Throughout the years I've followed and unfollowed (and followed again sometimes) a variety of blogs.  At my core, I am an avid reader.  I will waste most of my precious hours reading thoughts, thinking about those thoughts, and pondering changing my own thoughts in response.  This blog is the kind that can make me do just that.

Lately, I just haven't been blogging.  And if you were to keep track of all the blogs I used to read vs the ones I read now, you would know a precious few blogs are still around on my blog feed.  It's not that I didn't love those other blogs, it's just there is so much to the whole blogging community thing that I just don't think is part of my assignment right now.  For awhile, I thought maybe it could be.  Who doesn't like the idea of lots of people reading what they write?  I'd love to be able to write and write all the time.  But it just doesn't seem to fit into my assignment right now.

I could probably spend an entire blog post on all the things I can't do right now, but where's the fun in that.  Instead, there are so many things that I can do where I am right now.

So here is a list of the simple things I'm called to do right now:

1- I am called to Shepherd.  I read this week in Ezekiel about God's role as the Shepherd in Israel's life, and I immediately thought of all teachers (and moms).  It was so beautiful.  v15-16: I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.  I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... I will shepherd the flock with justice.  I just love that.  The environment I am called to create is one of peace and welcoming and home and belonging and healing and strengthening and freedom and justice.  That's not an easy job when you are dealing with 'sheep' who throw temper tantrums or talk back or try to see what they can get away with.  Sheep who are forgetful and tired and distracted.  It's certainly never ending.  Yet, God's chasing after my own heart is similarly never ending.  I just impulsively responding to Jude's disruption of my typing with frustration.  And God had to remind me of what I was in the middle of typing.  And remind me to actually do it.  It's not easy for me in all my selfish humanity.  But I do know this is my assignment.

2- I am called to wait and be patient.  Jimmy and I have this amazing relationship.  I am beyond blessed with his presence.  He is just someone I plain love to be around.  He stretches me- to be a little calmer, a little more patient, a little more understanding (I have very OCD like tendencies about my kitchen).  He models for me what service looks like when it's truly lived out.  I am assigned to learn from him and follow him.  Yet, we are still within dating boundaries.  So sometimes I have to learn to be content where I am.

3- I am called to encourage.  This is something that I am really starting to see as the how God can use me right now sort of thing.  I don't have time to serve in my church.  I barely have time to get to church each week.  I'm not the kind of person who does well juggling lots of things.  I need downtime- not because I'm selfish or lazy.  I honestly am just a truly introverted, highly sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed.  It really limits what I can do.  What I am realizing is that through the discipline of 1000 gifts, God has helped me become gifted at seeing the good.  I can share that perspective with teachers, parents, friends, etc.  That really is a needed service in this world.  So many people are weighed down by so many things.  Encouragement in a 'dirty laundry news society' is truly needed.  And I can do that.  I love doing it!  I could spend all day encouraging others.  That's an assignment I feel enabled (by Him) and called to do.  And I just really love it!  Christ has filled me greatly the last year plus.  He only fills what He expects to flow over and on to others.  There is so much joy in encouraging others!

4- I am called to trust.  For those of you that have followed my life awhile, you know that anxiety has been my constant companion.  I think I have always had undercurrents of anxiety all my life.  I am one of those highly sensitive people.  I am a true melancholic introvert (as in the personality type) and stress easily over my own perceived imperfections.  After Michael and divorce, those things just hit the fan, and anxiety turned to full fledged panic.  Right now, I am in the middle of weaning myself off medication, which was very much my saving grace.  I'm nervous that it won't work.  Nervous that I will end up back on them.  Nervous I'm perpetually flawed.  But I know perfect love drives out fear.  I know God is good.  I know even in His presence, the bad is used for good.  With that knowledge I am called to trust.  I choose to believe that God has the power to heal me from never needing medication again.  If he does that it will be for His glory alone.  I choose to believe that if he doesn't He has a reason for my continued struggle with anxiety.  I know He loves me.  And love like His covers it all.

My assignment is pretty simple.  Yet it is also very full.  It isn't the kind of assignment that will make me known in popular circles.  That's ok.  I know that this is where I am, this is where I am called to be. I can't do it all, but I can be faithful with what I am called to do.  In the parable of the talents, some were entrusted with many talents, some a few.  Yet, all those who were faithful with their talents were told 'well done' at the end.  I may have just been entrusted with simple talents, but whether my talents are big and mighty or small and mundane, the point has always been to be faithful with them.  And that, I can do :)

My Love Story- on being single

The summer I turned 22 I fell in love with George Mueller.  [Some girls like Channing Tatum (i think that's his name).  I like random dead people who run orphanages.  I never said I was normal.]  There was something about his faith that I desperately wanted to lead me.  I felt like if I had a guy like that, walking in faith would be so easy, because he would hold my hand.  And I think more than anything, I wanted a godly man I could respect.  Reading his biography was beyond inspiring, and probably was one of those pivotal moments that affected my missions outlook.  He was what I wanted- and even today- I want a godly man with a missions mindset whom I can respect.

Somehow, though, that summer I also met my ex husband.  It's beyond my comprehension that I could be heading one direction and somehow veered so far off what I had said I wanted.  Through my ex husband I entered sexual immorality, abortion, idolatry, pain, shame, fear- lots of fear.  Bondage really. I've wondered before (don't dwell on this because- Jude- worth it), but still wondered how I fell so far so quickly.  The answer is simply- idolatry.

I was entering my last year of college.  I had assumed all my life I would be engaged at least when I graduated from college.  I felt like I was off schedule, and so, Michael represented a way for me to be on the path I 'knew' I should be on.  There were warning signs.  But I was so fixated on making sure I was married on time, I really didn't acknowledge them.  I was so sure that being married was worth it all, and it would all work out in the end.  Not even remotely true.

I kind of think as that as a 'Hagar decision'.  Just like Abraham and Sarah got tired of waiting on God to fulfill His promise, I got tired of waiting.  Just like Sarah took things into her own hands and gave Abraham Hagar, I took things in my own hands and 'made it work' with Michael.  Both decisions had disastrous results.

What I didn't realize at 22 was that I had hope.  Hope that a 'George Mueller' would come along.  Right around the corner could be the right guy.  When you are married to the wrong guy, you don't have any hope.  Looking at someone who hurts you in every way possible and thinking 'this is what my life is going to be like for the next 50 years' is possibly one of the most horrific thoughts I've had.  In fact, when I first got divorced I wasn't sure I would ever consider getting married again- or that it would be ok from a spiritual perspective.  I was 900% sure though, that being single for the rest of my life, while difficult, was better than being married and afraid.  Whatever you think loneliness feels like when you are just young and single, I promise promise it is nothing to the loneliness of having someone in your life you can never truly be close to.  Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of lonely married women in the world.  And that's a pain unlike any other.  A hopeless pain.

I know there are several people in my blog/real world that worry about being alone.  That's a totally normal fear.  Women were created to be a helper to someone.  God has a definite plan for your life and ways to fulfill that need He gave you.  And it's scary to think about not doing that with your life.  Even now I have moments where I wonder oh my gosh, what if...  And that's definitely not what I want.  I don't know what God's plan for my life is.  I don't know what God's plan for your life is.  But I do know that I pray you feel encouraged.  You have hope.  Just like God saw Hagar in the desert, he sees you too.  He doesn't just know your heart, He adores it.  He thinks your heart is beautiful and worthy of not just settling, but a love great and godly.  He knows of someone who will be worth the wait.

Waiting can be a fruitful time.  I waited for 2 lonely painful years before I considered dating again.  Sometimes it was because of my decision.  Sometimes it was God's.  Those two years were blessed though.  I fell in love with God so deeply.  I learned what it was like to depend on Him solely.  He became the Lover of My Soul.  Those lessons have been beyond a blessing in my current relationship.  I used to have moments of severe loneliness or fear.  I would just pray something like 'Lord, I need a hug right now.  I'm so lonely, and I'd give anything to be held.  But that's not what you've given me right now.  So please hold me tonight".  And He faithfully answered that prayer everytime.  He knew those desires I had, and He continually fulfilled them.  Because I learned to depend on God to satisfy my desires and fill my hollow places with His lavish, unfailing love (i literally pray that daily- Got that from a Beth Moore book called Breaking Free- which I highly recommend), I haven't needed Jimmy to fill those.  I love having him around.  He is such a breath of fresh air all the time.  I absolutely adore him in every way.  I literally think He's brought Christ to life in a tanglible way for me.  But I don't need him.  And that's huge for me.  It's also allowed this relationship to be truly healthy, and also truly dependent and focused on God.  Which has made what I really dreamed of, a godly man who I could respect and trust to lead me, possible.  And that's exciting!  And was worth the wait!

In closing, I just want people to know that its good to be content where you are.  God is blessing you right where you are.  He is doing amazing things right where you are.  It's also ok to want and even need other things.  But for me, laying them down at His feet made them possible.  It was hard many days.  But I always had hope.  And in Christ we have a hope that doesn't disappoint!

Side note:  A couple months before meeting Jimmy- maybe not even that long- I acknowledged before God my desire to serve in foreign missions.  I told God I was willing to go- anywhere- although at the time I wanted to go to Morocco.  Now I would just go anywhere.  But I asked God, if that was my calling to please bring me someone I could trust to protect me while I was there.  Pretty legit request, especially in places like Morocco where my rights as a woman would be limited.  Jimmy literally would go anywhere.  And he is absolutely concerned with shepherding me in every way.  I'm not saying anything as far as where Jimmy and I are headed, because I don't know.  But hey, maybe you should surrender to missions and God will bring you a co-laborer ;)  kinda kidding....