2013- year of freedom

2013 ended with a bang for me.  Jimmy and I took a little getaway trip to Corpus Christi.  We walked the Texas prairies, coastal beaches, and got engaged!  I don't think it could have ended better.  Minus the fact I have had strep since Sunday and today is the first day I feel alive.  Overall, it ended well.

As this morning was the first I could form functional thoughts, I was pondering where I was a year ago.  Last year, I chose to focus on "flying free" for 2013.  Last year, I was having a hard time opening myself up to Jimmy.  I was holding so much back.  Last year at this time, I was battling monstrous panic attacks, extreme anxiety.  I started counseling right after the first of the year in hopes that I could be free of the fear that crippled me for so long.

God provided.  I haven't had panic attacks since January of last year.  I went to counseling through the spring and was able to lay to rest so many hurts I had held close for years.  I learned how to set boundaries for myself.  I learned how to use self care effectively, but not selfishly.  I learned how to open up.  I learned how to articulate the things I worried about before they ate me alive.  In a lot of ways, there is great freedom from anxiety.  That being said, I am not free from the need of medication.  Sometimes thats 'a hard pill to swallow' because that isn't what I want.  But at the same time, it certainly keeps me humble, and it certainly keeps me at the feet of God.  I can never wander too far from knowing how desperately I need him.  Although, it's a difficult reality, there is some blessing in those thorns.

In 2013, I made thankfulness a habit.  It was so hard and still is.  Yet, I recognize in the moments that I need to find things to be thankful for.  The good moments never fail to wash over me- this sea of peace and beauty.  The difficult moments- though they are hard and I struggle- I am fully conscious of my need to be thankful and I force the thanks out.  That's such a thought process change for me.  A sign of being free from the circumstances and free to look up.

This last part of the year I've found myself in a new job, learning so much new new new new.  There are certainly growing pains, but those are good.  Overall, I feel so blessed to be where I am.  I love being able to teach such kind, engaged kids.  I cannot stop thanking God for my 22 kids!

I ended the year deeply involved in the relationships in my little family to be.  As I learned to open up, Jimmy and I built deeper foundations.  He is the very definition of shepherd leader, and I am continually amazed by his goodness.  Words do not express the way I learn from his example.  Or the way he helps me breathe and let go.  I just feel like I'm ending 2013 with so many things having gently blown away like dandelions in the wind.  I don't know when I let them go, but I did, and I think it is largely due in part to Jimmy's steadiness day in and day out.

And of course Jude- the light of my life.  He remains hilarious and joyous and affectionate.  He calls me to account with his tears.  He makes me laugh when I'm upset.  He will always be the 'praised' one for me.  He has been my sole source of joy for so many years, and I am thankful for him beyond words.  God knew how much I would need that.  He has been the light leading me forward and helping me get up day after day.

Fall 2013

This year has been super full for Jude.  He started his Preschool 3 class at a church in our community.  He started playing soccer, his first organized sports experience.  He turned 4 years old.  And finally, we went to our favorite local pumpkin patch.  Here are some pictures from these special events.

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on how All {really} is Grace

So much on my heart- and where on earth do I begin.  For starters, I recently wrote this post which has been read over 600x.  My blog is very much a small blog read by some of my friends and family.  I might get 100 people to read a post after a few weeks.  Yet, both times I have publicly come out about my personal experience with abortion, the stories get read and read and shared and shared.  My original post has been shared on about 5 different blogs- some personal life blogs and some Christian/theology blogs.  It's pretty mind blowing to think about how the internet can allow a story to spread.  It's even more mind blowing to think that the one thing I would never admit- less than a year ago mind you- is the thing I'm realizing God can most use from me.

Someone left this comment on my ig regarding the post "Sin stays hidden, but God brings redemption for that which is brought to light".

For the past year and some months, I have been trying to live out '1000 gifts' and counting all the ways Grace covers everything around me.  Maybe it was the unfolding of recognizing Grace that made me feel brave enough to say yes I had an abortion in the first place.  I don't know.  I know Grace has changed everything.  Grace is so much deeper than I originally thought.  We all know that it's God's Grace that saves us.  And yet, His Grace goes so much farther than just that one act.  It is constantly taking my shame and transforming it, redeeming it from something hideous to something beautiful.  I would never have imagined that that could be true of abortion, but it is.

Sin led me into premarital sex, an abortion, a bad marriage driven by guilt, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, emotional trauma, anxiety, and eventually divorce, single parenthood, fear....

Grace took all of those things and produced Jude, my atonement child.  Taught me about love.  Gave me the courage to leave my marriage.  Helped me heal and see that abuse wasn't what I deserved.  Grace gave me the most Christlike servant- boyfriend.  Grace constantly speaks through Jimmy as I learn what it's like to be forgiven, to be served, to be loved, to be held accountable with kindness, to be encouraged.  Sometimes it just truly blows my mind to look at my life from 2007 and my life now in 2013.  There is so little the same about the person I was then and now- much less what my life was made up of then and now.  I'm beyond blessed.

And for what?  I certainly don't deserve it.  I've done it all wrong the first time around.  But oh the deep deep love of Jesus.  He takes all I've done and turns it around to bless me.  And yet also for his glory.  Because it really isn't about me.  These 1000+ gifts aren't because of me at all.  They are about Him.  The ugly becomes the beautiful because His Story is best told through the brokenness and redemption of my story.

Why can my abortion story be read at least 3000 times during this past year?  Because God's Glory shines best through my cracks.  It's an amazing thing.  I'm (in some ways) thankful for all my bad decisions, for all my pain, for all my shame, for all the nights I just wanted to die really.  I'm thankful because I see how God had carried me through all of those darkest moments.  I'm thankful because there is no greater thrill than knowing that God can use me and my story somehow.  I'm thankful because I know God can use a story like mine for greater good in the pro life vs pro choice debate far better than He could had I never made that decision.  I'm not sure what the correct word here is.  I certainly regret my original decision.  Yet, I can see how God sovereignly allowed it so that I could bring His Story out in the open.  1000 gifts.  Maybe not the most beautifully wrapped gifts.  Certainly full of ugly.  But praise God- He transforms the ugly into beautiful every day.

"But Joseph said to then, 'Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." 

~ Genesis 50:19-20 

(my most favorite voice about God's sovereignty)

Update: Jude's Room

I have been slowly attempting to update Jude's room for awhile now.  I have wanted to make a gallery wall and have slowly been buying and collecting prints off of Etsy or at Casey Jones Train Museum or who knows for seriously like the last 2 years.  

For my birthday this year, Joel gave me a picture of a British phone booth from his visit to London.  I was pondering what to do with it when I realized it would be the perfect addition to the wall I had been storing up and planning in my head.  

I was determined to get that done as part of my summer projects this year.  It took me until August to buy and return and buy the right frames for this.  But thankfully, it's done.  

The most exciting part of this is that Jude was so excited about it, which I didn't expect.  I sort of kept him out of the room while I was working.  As I've said before, my child is wild, so him in the room I'm working in is chaos- at least volume wise.  He loves to make noise.  I can't think in those conditions, much less work.  Suffice it to say, he stayed out of the room.  When I did let him in, he was so excited. I'm so glad I decided to capture his face with my camera.  He was just so excited.  1000 gifts!

He LOVED it!!!!  He told me over and over again how much he loved me and how thankful he was for his new pictures.  Along with some of the biggest hugs ever.  Talk about melting my heart.  He makes it so fun to give him things because he really gets so excited.  Sweet boy!

Here's the gallery wall I made.  It's a combo of the vintage train pictures from his nursery room, a few more modern looking train pictures, some Beatles references since he's named after them after all, and lastly the phone booth.  One day, I want that area to be a reading nook, but we aren't there yet :)

The license plate and Pullman car picture were originally going to be part of the gallery wall.  The Baltimore & Ohio and New York Central pictures had already been in different places in his room.  I decided to pull those and make a mini gallery wall over here, which I am glad I did.  And of course, Jude loves the concentration of trains.

I had also thought about adding this 1 year old photo set to the gallery wall, but decided to put it under his shelf when I moved the New York Central pic from under it.  I ended up liking having it separated out and divided into categories.  I have also added the midshipman hat that my brother passed down to Jude after graduating this year.  I updated the letters of his name awhile back, but am not sure if I ever posted about that.  The baseball is from when the Navy made the regional NCAA baseball playoffs a couple years ago.

The view when you look into the room.

And this night light.  I got it on zulily (actually the Beatles prints are off zulily too...).  I love this night light.  So much!

Anyway, I really like how it turned out.  As with all rooms in my house, they are constantly being updated or changed, but this is a good start I think to transforming it for a preschooler :)

Naptime Diaries and Saving My Sanity

Jude is currently in an awkward nap phase.  Technically speaking, he doesn't particularly need to nap.  Because Jude was graciously given with a 100% positive attitude, I kid you not, he does not have temper tantrums.  I'm serious.  He's probably had 5 in his entire life, atleast since turning 2.  So naps are not needed to 'check' his attitude.

Part of that is because I have my college degree arsenal of child guidance knowledge I guess.  More of it has to do with 6 years of dealing with insane emotional issues in title 1 schools.  Most of it has to do with my limited tolerance for crap.  But honestly, I really believe God was gracious with me.  I truly believe that He knew that my entire world was going to fall apart upon Jude being born and He gifted me with the easiest child known to man in order to allow me to work out my emotional issues after heartbreak.

That being said:  My child be wild.  His attitude may be awesome.  But his energy level is non stop through the roof from 7:30 to 8:30, with no nap.  I have heard people say oh my child is active.  And then I meet said child.  Jude always blows them out of the water with his energy level.  Jude has been noticeably active since he was at least 6 mos.  Just has crazy amounts of energy.  So while I am blessed in many ways, sometimes I feel like I make up for it because his noise level and activity level plum wear me out.

Enter my nap time conundrum.  Technically Jude doesn't 'need' a nap per se.  And when he takes a nap, left to his own, he will sleep about 3 hours!  And then of course he won't fall asleep until around 10:30.  Thankfully, because he is literally the most obedient child, he will just sit on his bed and sing/talk/read/play with his animals.  He may test the waters once and try to sneak out, but that's about it.  But regardless, he stays up late because he just isn't tired due to his nap.

I have been trying to give him his nap, but then going in and waking him up after about 1.5 to 2 hours.  That's been working decently well.  He doesn't fall asleep right away, but he is at least asleep by 9 or 9:30.  Which is about as ideal as I can get all things considered.  Hopefully, he can keep up the controlled naps with his sitter as I go back to school.  That combined with waking up and getting out the door early again should make it possible for him to go to sleep at night easily.

Here's the thing though.  I can't handle him NOT napping.  I need 'my' time.  Whether it is to catch up on 'Bachelorette' which I am shamelessly addicted to- even though this season is blah.  Or to clean or work on a project or read.  I am just not built to handle his energy level the entire day without a break.  The days I let him skip his nap, I am always so irritable starting around 3:00.  I would give anything for some peace and quiet.  And it's not his fault, but he can't calm himself down.  And I get snappy.  I hate thinking that my attitude would cause him to feel 'annoying' which he has to sense that.  And how sad!  Whereas if he naps, even for a little bit, it seems to calm his body down.  Maybe it's good for his body to have those calm hours as well.  Or maybe it's just that I get the couple hours of peace my brain needs to be refreshed and ready to keep up with him again.  Because on those days his enthusiasm mostly warms my heart and I respond with love.

Regardless, it's always tricky as your baby drops naps.  And then again as your baby becomes a toddler and does the drop down to one nap.  I suppose it only makes sense that determining when your child no longer needs a nap is equally as tricky.  But for now, for the sake of a peaceful and loving mother/son relationship, I think we are going to keep nap/quiet time in place for just a wee bit longer.

I Wanna Be Like Pops

Last week, Jude and I spent several days with my parents.  We try to go there for a bit at least once a summer.  This year, Jude has gone twice.  It's one of my favorite places.  Not because there is anything particularly special, but because my parents are some of the most unrushed people I know.  Things just always feel so calm and easy there, which I miss in my 'real life'.  Sometimes I think that's really what home is about- this place that seems to make time stand still.  I didn't grow up there, but having my parents there makes it home.

 We spent the days doing not a whole lot more than hanging out by the pool, reading, and cooking dinner.  90% of the time is spent outside.  We eat lunch and dinner outside.  Jude and my mom were always outside when I got up in the morning.  (Cheers to sleeping in btw- thanks mom!)  It's just so pleasant.

My mom is a huge fan of having fruit in the house.  This picture just says it all- laying around outside with fruit.  Just exactly what summer is supposed to look like and taste like.

One thing that Jude has started lately, is differentiating gender.  He loves to point out that I probably like the girl Bubble Guppies the best, but he loves the boys.  Things like that.  Things that show he is identifying with gender differences.

This is pretty normal for this age- at least as far as Freud is concerned.  I keep having flashbacks to my child psychology classes, because Jude is clearly going through his Oedipus complex phase.  In the twisted Freud terms that means Jude is in love with me and so decides to be like a guy because he loves me.  Gross.  In real life terms, it means he is realizing that he is separate and different from me, so he is identifying with the male gender which is like him.  Age appropriate- supposed to happen around 4.  And sorry this is so geeked out, but it fascinates me to watch this unfold quite like I learned about 10 years ago in college.

Anyway, Jude sat in the pool and ate just like Pops (my dad).  After this picture was taken, he decided that orange popsicles were his favorite because they are Pops' favorite.  Jude no longer likes purple popsicles because Pops doesn't like them.  You get the idea.  The cutest though was when we all went to buy my birthday present, which was a tent.  My dad was carrying it through the store perched on his shoulder.  While at the store, we also got Jude a sleeping bag.  And guess how Jude had to carry his sleeping bag?  Perched on top of his shoulder just like Pops.  What a little man!  The cutest.  I apologize profusely for not taking a picture.  :(

In other manly events, Jude kept it classy by being shirtless with his pants hanging down and his underwear showing in public.  One night we ate dinner along Lake Houston, which is by my parents house.  They have this mini splash pad in the middle of all these restaurants along the lake.  It's really a fantastic setting.  Plus it's free.  Jude enjoyed following the older girl around the most ;)  Those 7 year old girls are pretty awesome in his opinion.

Saturday we did something 'fun' since my dad was off.  We took Jude to the Houston Children's Museum, which was new for him.  At first, I was a little unsure about it because all the areas seemed geared to older kids.  We did finally find the younger kid section though, and it got much better.  As far as exhibits go, I think his fave was the golf balls.  Basically you roll them over ramps and learn about whatever physics are involved with balls.  My dad was also thrilled.

My mom and I were in the corner with confused looks on our faces.  We do not do physics.  Side note- the issues I had in chemistry and physics and biology in high school were literally ridiculous.  For whatever reason, I managed to always have class with my friend Amy, and we literally ruined every experiment.

* acid burns on a sweater? check
* passed out during a dissection? check
* mouse trap car that didn't move a millimeter? check
* rocket that would not launch? check
* choking on gas because we forgot to turn it off? check

Jude loves science.  All I know is that that is NOT from me!  I digress...

His second favorite thing was this play involving superheroes and a mystery bandit.  He is all over the superheroes these days.  Technically, he doesn't watch these with me, but boys just seem to know this stuff!

At the end, they invite the kids to get on stage with them.  Jude rushed the stage.  He had no inhibitions about dancing and being seen by all.  Again, he did not get this from me.  I am so so shy.  But he loved it- and I love that about him.  He knows no strangers, and immediately embraces everyone.  It's pretty amazing :)

He took a pic with 'Telephone Man' who he is now obsessed with.

As well as some of the 'everyday superheroes' from the play.  Yea!  Overall, it was just a wonderful, relaxing long weekend.  I'm already missing my parents and wishing for the ease of life at their house.

Throwback Thursday

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Here is the photo book I made for Jude's 3rd month.  That month we got so much snow here in North Texas!  It was a great time for cuddling a snuggly little one.  Hard to believe he is already 3.5 years old!  He's still the best present I've ever gotten!

How we're doing

Little man has been sick today.  I got him to Kohl's to replace two pairs of shoes, when all his milk came out in the parking lot :/

Then I took him through the Chick Fil A drive through the get orange juice because I mistakenly thought that might help his stomach.  I was wrong.  That completely soaked his car seat.  So I've had to strip that down and wash it.

Not the Monday I had in mind.  But you know what's sweet?  Seeing Jude cuddled up with the baby quilt my Grandma made him.  This week has reminded me intensely of how much I miss her.  I have spent the past week visiting family in West Virginia and Ohio.  (I promise to blog about that later...)  Her old farm house just wasn't the same without her stories and her jokes.

This quilt is made with fabric showing Winnie the Pooh characters catching fireflies.  Jude saw fireflies for the first time this week.  I never realized how perfect that was.  Fireflies are so sentimental for me.  They just remind me of all the is good and pure and magical in the world.

We will be back soon with lots more updates.  But for now we are cuddling and thinking about all that is beautiful in the world.  And wondering how to grasp that magic and bottle it up like a firefly.

Thankful- summer week 2

This week has been difficult.  Not in any specific way.  Just in an annoying way.  In an --of course that would happen now gah can't I just get a minute to think-- kind of way.  I'm about the worst person in the world when it comes to adapting and going with the flow.  I do not do change of plans well.  I'm what you might call 'obsessive compulsive type A'.  Needless to say, I am having to be intentional about trying to be thankful.  Intentional about remembering to breathe.  Intentional about getting out of the house.  Intentional about art journaling, because seriously, that is so good for me.

Getting out of the house is going to be a must for me this summer.  Today I took Jude to the library, which was great.  He picked out books.  Plus, we have the moments of reading them, which gives us intentional activity.  We also went to a friend's house this afternoon which was fun.  Tomorrow I am going Target-ing for trip needs.  Friday I have book club and friends coming over.  Yippee.  I officially am one of those people who needs to get out of the house as often as possible to stay sane.  Bring all your fun summer toddler activities my way people.  For real!

Despite my stir crazy- I have had awesome moments.

Thankful for this past weekend:  Jude was with his dad Saturday night.  And while that ended up being a pretty huge headache, it did afford me some awesome time with Jimmy.  We went boot scootin' (heckyes) in good ole CowTown (Ft. Worth).  And even better Mark Chestnut was playing there that night.  It was a spur of the moment plan, but it was pretty fun to see him.  I have 100% given up on country as of like 2004 when it became riddled with shizzy pop disguised as country.  However, bring me all your fiddle playing/steel guitar picking/90s country.  Love!  To all you other girls in other parts of the world, I am sorry that you do not get to gaze at your man in boots on the regular.  That is a tragedy for so many Americans.  Two stepping makes my life worth living.  And also makes me love Jimmy more and more.

Monday and Tuesday we were greeted with rainy mornings.  Just a little bit of background- Texas has been in a severe drought state for the past 2 years or something.  I live a bit in the country where two lakes happen to somewhat meet up.  In order to get anywhere, I have to cross parts of the lake.  When I first moved here 3.5 years ago, it actually looked like a lake.  At this point, it is literally mostly dry land.  Not-even-joking.  Severe.  I literally pray everytime I go across (which is at least twice daily basically) that God send rain.  He has answered that prayer soooo much! this spring!  And is still answering it!  I have lived in NTX nearly 10 years.  I've never seen a wet June here in my life!  And to top it off our highs are like 88-93.  Also never happened in the 10 years I've been here.  Highs in the summer here range from 95-100 for June and 100-115 through July and August.  I mean I literally am in heaven right now.  I just kind of want to do a thanksgiving dance on my lawn pretty much daily.

 And then I came inside and saw this.  And I died a little bit.  Why yes I would love to watch my toddler cozy up to Sid the Science Kid while it rains outside and I sip my coffee.  Why no I'm not sure I can think of a better way to spend a summer morning.  Thank you Jesus!!!!

Disclaimer:  This cuteness being said, I'm pretty sure the fact that we've had 2 rainy mornings and have been unable to do fun stuff like go to the pool has been a large reason I am going stir crazy.  That in no way makes me unthankful for the rain.  Still praying for more of it!  But it definitely has shown me that on rainy days, I need to plan ways to get up and go!  Or have ingredients on hand to make cookies just in case?  Something!

This picture is just because.  Cutest sleeping kiddo.

Thankful- prairie edition

This week has kicked my butt in every way.  For one thing, I finished this book, Cross Cultural Servanthood by Duane Elmer.  I have been doing a missions class at church with some ladies.  This book was perspective changing, and I honestly recommend it to anyone.  It's a pretty easy read and is filled with a lot of personal stories.  But it has changed the way I see people.  And convicted me of how I see people.  As in, I'm wayy more judgemental than I thought I was.  And I'm wayy less humble than I thought I was.  And I have a whooollleee long way to go before I can honestly say I'm as much of a servant as Christ was.  It's been good though because I have really seen how I am evaluating my interactions with people from a new filter- one that really desires to see them from the image of God.  That's been awesome.  I also understand myself more than I did, which is also good.  Just my personality being what it is, and that its ok to be comfortable with the way God made me.  I've always felt like there was something wrong with me because I was quiet.  But this class made me see how being myself can be useful for Christ too.  So I'm thankful for conviction and understanding and growing with community.

I am thankful that I get to watch this kiddo grow.  This week he figured out how to do this jigsaw puzzles by himself.  And he is so excited by this knowledge.  It's been cool because its like he just figured it out overnight.  He has shown almost 0 interest in these before.  It was like this week he just realized 'bam! I can do this'.  And he's been all over it since then.

This week was our annual field trip to Clear Creek Nature Center.  Which basically for our purposes is just a large field.  We study the prairie in Denton ISD during 2nd grade.  As a rather large Laura Ingalls Wilder fan, this is one of my favorite units.  I love being out there for the field trip too.  Is there anything cuter than these little guys drawing their observations.  No.  However, not pictured are my little hoodlums who did anything BUT observe.  If I could just take the studious ones, it'd be fab ;)

Quote of the afternoon belongs to the boy in the distance in the camo shirt.  He told me when he grew up he was going to move to the country and only come into town for bricks.  Why bricks I have no idea.  But I thought it was adorable.  He's actually just a straight up adorable kid though.

Thankful for 2nd grade, the prairie, field trips, and adorable children.  And even the crazies who make me grow in my virtues of patience and grace.

Jude made me this for Mother's Day.  In case you aren't a parent yet, I will just inform you that it is pretty much an instinct to be obsessed with anything that comes home with your child's hand or footprint on it.  This will be saved for all of time.

Thankful that Jude made me a mother.  And that his hands are still adorable and little.

I came home from Clear Creek and put my feet up like so.  Jude ran around the backyard in a t shirt and underwear.  Country boy don't care.  

I am thankful for the cool spring weather.  I am thankful for rest.  I am thankful for my backporch and that I had enough money saved up to get it covered.  I am thankful for porch furniture I can relax on.  I am thankful for Robert Frost books from the library I can read while I am out there.  I am thankful for a root beer from a coworker which I came home and poured over ice cream.  It was divine.

I saw this yesterday on my way to work.  I am thankful for rain.  I am thankful for sunshine.  I am thankful for rainbows.  I am thankful for promises.

Jude and I went on a walk around our lake by our house yesterday.  Actually we kind of ran around it together, which was great for me.  I love being out there, especially in the spring.  The thistles were right on the cusp of blooming.  Actually, I saw some had bloomed today as I was driving.  I will have to get back out there and take some pictures.  In case you didn't figure it out, that's my favorite flower.

I am thankful for thistles.  I am thankful for wide open spaces and grasses blowing in the wind.  I am thankful for the rustling sound of the grass which sounds exactly like an ocean.  I am thankful for pretty pink prairie primroses.  I am thankful for big trees and little boys.  I am thankful for the number of times Jude told me he loved me while we ran together.  I am thankful for his giggles as we raced.  I am thankful for the way he stopped and held my hand and walked.  I am thankful for the way he was tired and asked me to carry him.  I am thankful for the way he clung to me and snuggled in my arms as I held him.

I am thankful for my secret pal who has seriously spoiled me.  And for the relaxing bath I had last night after a very good, but physically tiring week.  And I plan on having another one tonight :)

What are you thankful for?

Thankful--- for a family weekend

This past weekend I went down to the Houston area to spend time with my family.  I had been on the fence about going.  Then Thursday night I found out Jimmy would be working in San Antonio all weekend, so it seemed a perfect time to go.  I'm so glad I did because it was exactly what I needed.

We set out later Friday night in my attempts to avoid the nightmare that is Dallas traffic.  This was perfect because it put us right at the Texas interstate bluebonnets right at dusk aka the magic hour for photo taking.  I haven't taken Jude's picture in bluebonnets since he was about 6 months old.  He's wearing a Thomas shirt, there's ketchup on his chin, but it was one of those moments that makes you smile because you spontaneously left the highway for something beautiful.  Why can't life have more of those moments?  If I could be honest, I don't need a whole lot out of life.  But if my life could be filled with more moments where I took more back roads or ignored my schedule more, I would be a happier person.

The past month I've really started to feel just free from all the anxiety that has plagued me so so much over the past few years.  This is nothing short of a miracle.  I'm not sure what to say other than Christ is my merciful intercessor.  I have no doubt that he has lead me to a great counselor, a great doctor, and an extremely supportive boyfriend because His greatest joy is my freedom.  The kind of love he extends to us is so complete and all encompassing.  And you know what else I've learned- its ok to need help!  It's ok that I needed 5 months of counseling to get back on track.  It's ok that I am taking things to help me.  It's ok to admit to people who care about me that I need prayer and am struggling.  For some reason, it took me a long time to realize that the Body of Christ applied to me.  That when I needed an encouraging word, it might come through the mouth of someone in the Church.  Or that when I needed a hug, Christ might hug me through one of His children in my Bible study group.  I just never realized that, and it really should be so obvious.  Thankful for that lesson!  Regardless, Christ is healing me and I just am happier and able to enjoy Jude and my kiddos and my family and Jimmy more.  It's one of the biggest blessing of all.  And the more this 'freer' me comes out, the more these little moments pop up.  And I'm loving it!

Anyway, we got to my parents late Friday.  The thing I love about being with my parents is that there is never a schedule.  Never anywhere I have to be.  Never a time I need to do it.  We woke up.  Ate pancakes.  Got dressed.  Jude played outside all morning.  My mom and I had a long, long lunch at La Madeleines just talking.  That night we grilled hamburgers and West Virginia hotdogs.  We took Jude on a walk in the woods (paths through the neighborhood).  And just enjoyed the moments.  It was perfect.  There are a lot of pictures, I know.  But it was a great, great weekend.

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

  to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]

² 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

³ 

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.