May Reflections

Here I am finally in May.  I think I have been dreaming about May since September.  It's been a long year.  I've never had a year that time seemed to pass by so slowly.  When I think about this school year, I just think about tears.  I think I cried daily from September to December.  And at least weekly from December on.  I'd love to tell you that has changed, but I am pretty steadily crying about it weekly.  Because this year has been so hard, looking back on it is like looking on events that happened a lifetime ago.  I'm so glad that The Lord and Jimmy are providing me the opportunity to try something different.  But I also feel like I'm in the midst of an identity crisis.  I may have blogged about that before...  I just am not sure who I am when I'm not a public school teacher.  And honestly, it's way too easy for me to look at this year and feel like a failure.  I've been trying to remember truths about God- that I am always 100% adored by Him and that this year happened without taking Him by surprise.  He faithfully brings beauty from ashes and while I may see only ashes now- I will see the beauty one day.  He is good, and morning is coming and so is joy and dancing.  Anyway, here are my monthly reflections.

Am I thankful for my life and the way I'm living it?  To be honest, I just feel confused a lot right now.  I have so many more questions than I have answers.  Do I want to sub next year?  Do I want to teach preschool next year?  Am I even a good teacher?  What do I want to do with my life?  Who am I?  What do I want to be known for?  And then I remember that none of those questions matter unless they are defined by what God wants for me.  I don't know the answers to any of these questions.  But I am so so thankful for my family.  When I look beyond family, I just see confusion.  But when I look at Jimmy and Jude and our home everything makes sense.  And maybe that's my answer right there.

What have I tried this month?  Not much.  We were going to go to Oklahoma and go camping this weekend, but Texas and Oklahoma are basically flooded and experiencing multiple tornadoes currently.  I did get the opportunity to wait out a tornado inside TJ Maxx today though, which is certainly a new experience.  Luckily we were all safe and the tornado passed on.  This weekend has been nice though as it has been mothers day weekend.  Jimmy took us to a Brazilian steakhouse Friday which was amazing.  I wish my stomach was able to hold more food though!  I got a donut maker, so on Saturday we made donuts, paleo of course.  They were yummy- not exactly a donut, but they were good.  I've also started reading the Divergent series this month.  I am a huge conspiracy theorist, and dystopian stories just feed my imagination in interesting ways.  Loving that book series so far!

What am I doing to get out of my routine?  I'm not sure about this one either.  This month feels like it's just about survival.  I'm trying to get my classroom packed up, trying to get all assessments finished, trying to get these kids ready for 2nd grade, etc.  I feel like I've put my house on hold until summer.  It's very frenzied, and honestly, my anxiety is really kicking up.  I also am trying to apply for jobs for next year.  I have already interviewed at one preschool and will be interviewing at atleast 1 preschool this week.  It's an exciting time, but I feel like I am spinning a few too many plates at one time.  So survival.  There is a time for adventure and a time for survival. 

What have I learned about God this month?  He loves me.  He absolutely loves me.  I have prayed for a few months (even mentioned this in a blog in February) about how I wanted to enjoy dinners and community and depth with friends.  Well last month, I joined a friend who started an IF:Table.  I really hadn't heard much about it, but it is literally verbatim what I spent 4 months praying for.  Dinner and community and friends and depth.  That is what IF:Table is.  Those exact things.  I am so unbelievably blessed by my friend for answering God's call to start this.  It is in every way 1000 answers to prayer for me, and I cannot wait to meet with them again!  But more than anything, I am so thankful that God loved me so deeply.  Dinner and conversation can seem like a frivolous prayer.  Yet, he cares about my desire for even deep friendships.  It is so comforting to think about because if He is faithful in the things like friendships, surely he will be faithful to take care of our needs next year.  And surely He will be faithful to lead me to new passions and surely He will be faithful to bring beauty from the ashes of this year.

What brokenness is holding me back?  Idolatry of other people's opinions.  I would say it's anxiety or dwelling on situations- but ultimately it comes down to my idolatry of other people's opinions.  I am allowing people to define me and my opinion of myself rather than staying grounded in who God says I am.  God says I am loved, adored, forgiven, and enough.  Bringing it back to my word of the year- Rest- I am learning I need to Rest in the way God sees me.  His opinion is the only one that matters.  I need to keep my eyes above- not on others, or opinions, or how I feel I am doing today.  I just really need to worship more- but I am very distracted by trying to survive.  I am stuck in this cycle of survival and not resting in God.  Trying to do it all on my own.  I certainly can't.  Ugh- any truth you can speak into my life would be appreciated right now.

What do I want less of?  Distraction from my heavenly purpose and the stress that distraction is causing me.  I just feel so confused a lot of the time.  I am easily losing my focus on Jesus.  That's been a pretty common struggle this year.  The storm is hazy and it is hard to see.  I just need to walk as though I can see, walk in faith.  And sometimes I just am having a hard time with that.  This year has left me hurt, and that gets my focus so many times.  I need to remember Christ is my Comforter.

What do I want more of?  Christ my Comforter.  I'm pretty wounded I guess to be honest.  My heart hurts.  My feelings are hurt.  I cry easily because I'm hurting.  No friend, no husband will comfort me like Jesus.  I want more of His comfort.  I need more of His comfort.  I need more time to sit in His lap and let Him tell me it's going to all be ok.  Psalm 23 has become my psalm this year.  I know its one everyone knows, but I just find myself quoting it to myself many times throughout the day.  I focus a lot on the imagery of quiet waters.  I'm longing for a day filled with quiet waters.

February Reflections

If you follow me on instagram (@sweetlyworn), you may recall I took off this past Monday.  One of the things I did was pick up a book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  It's been lovely.  I like books of all types- the mindless, the thought provoking, and the debate provoking.  This one is kind of in the middle- easy enough to breeze through but little nuggets to ponder along the way.





Here are some things I'm reflecting on:

Am I proud of the life I'm living?  In some ways.  I'm trying really, really hard.  But one thing I'm learning in this current season is that I'm broken and there is a limit to what I can do.  I can't be everything to everyone.  Sometimes that makes me upset with myself.  I want to please everyone.  But I can't.  I'm extremely thankful for my little tribe of people who expect nothing from me and always offer grace.  What I'm proud of (or really more thankful for) is that despite all the expectations I can't live up to in the world, God sees me as covered, as Christ's beautiful bride.  He gave himself up for me to make me whole.  So while the world may see my humanness and my brokenness right now.  God just sees radiance.  And I love that.

What have I tried this month?  I am excited to say I've been trying a lot!  For all the bone weary day in day out stuff, I come home and try stuff!  So there!  I've taken up paleo- which means nightly adventures for me.  Some are awesome.  Some need tweaking next time.  But I am loving experimenting with food.  I love watching myself develop into a chef, constantly cooking from scratch.  I love smelling these things and watching them unfold into something exciting.  It's like a whole new world of possibility has opened up to me, and it's amazing! 

What am I doing to get out of my routine?  Bridget's bachelorette party!!!!  Insert high kicks!  In case you didn't know, my little brother is getting married this March.  This means two very important things for me.  I get the adventure of going to Charleston, South Carolina this month for a bachelorette party.  And I get an adventure next month for the wedding in Annapolis.  Back to Charleston though... I've never been there.  I'm so excited to see this city of Southern charm!  I'm going to have to reach back into the recesses of my mind (or drink lots of wine since it also brings this out...) for my southern accent.  Because South Carolina, obviously.  And possibly a big hat...  I'm excited for a change of perspective.  A way to take some deep breaths away from the day to day.  And I pray that I return with a new perspective realizing the world is both bigger and smaller than I thought before.  And that God is everywhere, but He's also right here with me.

What have I learned about God this year?  Right now I'm also reading Comforts from the Cross, so I'm learning that Jesus loves me.  Really loves me.  That I don't need to achieve or be anything for him.  He just loves me.  This is important, because I've felt forgotten by God this year.  Now I know in my head and have known all along that isn't true.  My heart has forgotten.  Even today my heart has forgotten.  This school year has been one week of tears after another.  A lot of times I wonder why God why.  Yet God is a God of rebirth.  And labor is hard.  I'm very much feeling that I am in the depths of hell in many ways each day.  But Jesus descended into hell and on the 3rd day he rose from the grave victorious.  So I am hanging on to that promise.  Joy comes in the mourning/morning.  Rebirth and resurrection happen.  As we enter Lent in a few days, there is probably more to ponder about this...
(Side note- it's not all hell.  I have some really great kiddos.)

What brokenness is holding me back?  Emotions.  My emotions hold me captive.  If I am despondent or sad or overwhelmed, I can't break free from that.  I am stuck in that place until something new jolts me out of it.  I'm trying to overcome it, but the truth is, I can't.  The Cross is my only hope there.  I am not a victim of circumstance- I need to take heart because He has overcome the world.  He is good and He does good things in life.  These things are true.  I need to control my thoughts though, because my thoughts are controlled by my emotions.  And my emotions can ruin me.



What do I want more of?  Community.  I need regular rotations with dinner and wine.  But not at restaurants.  Like at houses.  I mean even if it were just once a month.  Maybe it's because I need distractions.  Maybe it's because I've gotten really into cooking lately.  I don't know.  I just want to have people over for dinner more.  I want to work on my hospitality skills, which is somewhat a biblical thing, so it's good for me.  Consider yourself invited.

2013- year of freedom

2013 ended with a bang for me.  Jimmy and I took a little getaway trip to Corpus Christi.  We walked the Texas prairies, coastal beaches, and got engaged!  I don't think it could have ended better.  Minus the fact I have had strep since Sunday and today is the first day I feel alive.  Overall, it ended well.

As this morning was the first I could form functional thoughts, I was pondering where I was a year ago.  Last year, I chose to focus on "flying free" for 2013.  Last year, I was having a hard time opening myself up to Jimmy.  I was holding so much back.  Last year at this time, I was battling monstrous panic attacks, extreme anxiety.  I started counseling right after the first of the year in hopes that I could be free of the fear that crippled me for so long.

God provided.  I haven't had panic attacks since January of last year.  I went to counseling through the spring and was able to lay to rest so many hurts I had held close for years.  I learned how to set boundaries for myself.  I learned how to use self care effectively, but not selfishly.  I learned how to open up.  I learned how to articulate the things I worried about before they ate me alive.  In a lot of ways, there is great freedom from anxiety.  That being said, I am not free from the need of medication.  Sometimes thats 'a hard pill to swallow' because that isn't what I want.  But at the same time, it certainly keeps me humble, and it certainly keeps me at the feet of God.  I can never wander too far from knowing how desperately I need him.  Although, it's a difficult reality, there is some blessing in those thorns.

In 2013, I made thankfulness a habit.  It was so hard and still is.  Yet, I recognize in the moments that I need to find things to be thankful for.  The good moments never fail to wash over me- this sea of peace and beauty.  The difficult moments- though they are hard and I struggle- I am fully conscious of my need to be thankful and I force the thanks out.  That's such a thought process change for me.  A sign of being free from the circumstances and free to look up.

This last part of the year I've found myself in a new job, learning so much new new new new.  There are certainly growing pains, but those are good.  Overall, I feel so blessed to be where I am.  I love being able to teach such kind, engaged kids.  I cannot stop thanking God for my 22 kids!

I ended the year deeply involved in the relationships in my little family to be.  As I learned to open up, Jimmy and I built deeper foundations.  He is the very definition of shepherd leader, and I am continually amazed by his goodness.  Words do not express the way I learn from his example.  Or the way he helps me breathe and let go.  I just feel like I'm ending 2013 with so many things having gently blown away like dandelions in the wind.  I don't know when I let them go, but I did, and I think it is largely due in part to Jimmy's steadiness day in and day out.

And of course Jude- the light of my life.  He remains hilarious and joyous and affectionate.  He calls me to account with his tears.  He makes me laugh when I'm upset.  He will always be the 'praised' one for me.  He has been my sole source of joy for so many years, and I am thankful for him beyond words.  God knew how much I would need that.  He has been the light leading me forward and helping me get up day after day.

My Calling, right now

Today I read this blog which I loved.  Throughout the years I've followed and unfollowed (and followed again sometimes) a variety of blogs.  At my core, I am an avid reader.  I will waste most of my precious hours reading thoughts, thinking about those thoughts, and pondering changing my own thoughts in response.  This blog is the kind that can make me do just that.

Lately, I just haven't been blogging.  And if you were to keep track of all the blogs I used to read vs the ones I read now, you would know a precious few blogs are still around on my blog feed.  It's not that I didn't love those other blogs, it's just there is so much to the whole blogging community thing that I just don't think is part of my assignment right now.  For awhile, I thought maybe it could be.  Who doesn't like the idea of lots of people reading what they write?  I'd love to be able to write and write all the time.  But it just doesn't seem to fit into my assignment right now.

I could probably spend an entire blog post on all the things I can't do right now, but where's the fun in that.  Instead, there are so many things that I can do where I am right now.

So here is a list of the simple things I'm called to do right now:

1- I am called to Shepherd.  I read this week in Ezekiel about God's role as the Shepherd in Israel's life, and I immediately thought of all teachers (and moms).  It was so beautiful.  v15-16: I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.  I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... I will shepherd the flock with justice.  I just love that.  The environment I am called to create is one of peace and welcoming and home and belonging and healing and strengthening and freedom and justice.  That's not an easy job when you are dealing with 'sheep' who throw temper tantrums or talk back or try to see what they can get away with.  Sheep who are forgetful and tired and distracted.  It's certainly never ending.  Yet, God's chasing after my own heart is similarly never ending.  I just impulsively responding to Jude's disruption of my typing with frustration.  And God had to remind me of what I was in the middle of typing.  And remind me to actually do it.  It's not easy for me in all my selfish humanity.  But I do know this is my assignment.

2- I am called to wait and be patient.  Jimmy and I have this amazing relationship.  I am beyond blessed with his presence.  He is just someone I plain love to be around.  He stretches me- to be a little calmer, a little more patient, a little more understanding (I have very OCD like tendencies about my kitchen).  He models for me what service looks like when it's truly lived out.  I am assigned to learn from him and follow him.  Yet, we are still within dating boundaries.  So sometimes I have to learn to be content where I am.

3- I am called to encourage.  This is something that I am really starting to see as the how God can use me right now sort of thing.  I don't have time to serve in my church.  I barely have time to get to church each week.  I'm not the kind of person who does well juggling lots of things.  I need downtime- not because I'm selfish or lazy.  I honestly am just a truly introverted, highly sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed.  It really limits what I can do.  What I am realizing is that through the discipline of 1000 gifts, God has helped me become gifted at seeing the good.  I can share that perspective with teachers, parents, friends, etc.  That really is a needed service in this world.  So many people are weighed down by so many things.  Encouragement in a 'dirty laundry news society' is truly needed.  And I can do that.  I love doing it!  I could spend all day encouraging others.  That's an assignment I feel enabled (by Him) and called to do.  And I just really love it!  Christ has filled me greatly the last year plus.  He only fills what He expects to flow over and on to others.  There is so much joy in encouraging others!

4- I am called to trust.  For those of you that have followed my life awhile, you know that anxiety has been my constant companion.  I think I have always had undercurrents of anxiety all my life.  I am one of those highly sensitive people.  I am a true melancholic introvert (as in the personality type) and stress easily over my own perceived imperfections.  After Michael and divorce, those things just hit the fan, and anxiety turned to full fledged panic.  Right now, I am in the middle of weaning myself off medication, which was very much my saving grace.  I'm nervous that it won't work.  Nervous that I will end up back on them.  Nervous I'm perpetually flawed.  But I know perfect love drives out fear.  I know God is good.  I know even in His presence, the bad is used for good.  With that knowledge I am called to trust.  I choose to believe that God has the power to heal me from never needing medication again.  If he does that it will be for His glory alone.  I choose to believe that if he doesn't He has a reason for my continued struggle with anxiety.  I know He loves me.  And love like His covers it all.

My assignment is pretty simple.  Yet it is also very full.  It isn't the kind of assignment that will make me known in popular circles.  That's ok.  I know that this is where I am, this is where I am called to be. I can't do it all, but I can be faithful with what I am called to do.  In the parable of the talents, some were entrusted with many talents, some a few.  Yet, all those who were faithful with their talents were told 'well done' at the end.  I may have just been entrusted with simple talents, but whether my talents are big and mighty or small and mundane, the point has always been to be faithful with them.  And that, I can do :)

Thankful--- for a family weekend

This past weekend I went down to the Houston area to spend time with my family.  I had been on the fence about going.  Then Thursday night I found out Jimmy would be working in San Antonio all weekend, so it seemed a perfect time to go.  I'm so glad I did because it was exactly what I needed.

We set out later Friday night in my attempts to avoid the nightmare that is Dallas traffic.  This was perfect because it put us right at the Texas interstate bluebonnets right at dusk aka the magic hour for photo taking.  I haven't taken Jude's picture in bluebonnets since he was about 6 months old.  He's wearing a Thomas shirt, there's ketchup on his chin, but it was one of those moments that makes you smile because you spontaneously left the highway for something beautiful.  Why can't life have more of those moments?  If I could be honest, I don't need a whole lot out of life.  But if my life could be filled with more moments where I took more back roads or ignored my schedule more, I would be a happier person.

The past month I've really started to feel just free from all the anxiety that has plagued me so so much over the past few years.  This is nothing short of a miracle.  I'm not sure what to say other than Christ is my merciful intercessor.  I have no doubt that he has lead me to a great counselor, a great doctor, and an extremely supportive boyfriend because His greatest joy is my freedom.  The kind of love he extends to us is so complete and all encompassing.  And you know what else I've learned- its ok to need help!  It's ok that I needed 5 months of counseling to get back on track.  It's ok that I am taking things to help me.  It's ok to admit to people who care about me that I need prayer and am struggling.  For some reason, it took me a long time to realize that the Body of Christ applied to me.  That when I needed an encouraging word, it might come through the mouth of someone in the Church.  Or that when I needed a hug, Christ might hug me through one of His children in my Bible study group.  I just never realized that, and it really should be so obvious.  Thankful for that lesson!  Regardless, Christ is healing me and I just am happier and able to enjoy Jude and my kiddos and my family and Jimmy more.  It's one of the biggest blessing of all.  And the more this 'freer' me comes out, the more these little moments pop up.  And I'm loving it!

Anyway, we got to my parents late Friday.  The thing I love about being with my parents is that there is never a schedule.  Never anywhere I have to be.  Never a time I need to do it.  We woke up.  Ate pancakes.  Got dressed.  Jude played outside all morning.  My mom and I had a long, long lunch at La Madeleines just talking.  That night we grilled hamburgers and West Virginia hotdogs.  We took Jude on a walk in the woods (paths through the neighborhood).  And just enjoyed the moments.  It was perfect.  There are a lot of pictures, I know.  But it was a great, great weekend.

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

  to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]

² 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

³ 

    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor.

Confessions: On Giving Time

"Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them, for such is the kingdom of heaven"

 

 

 Confession:  I struggle with giving of my time as a mom.  I've got a plethora of excuses, and most of them are pretty darn good.  The single mom card trumps a lot of 'time' arguments.  But when you boil it down, its just pretty ways of saying the same thing.  What little time I do have I want to selfishly hoard for myself.  I don't want to share my time with the person I love the most.

I like my quiet time.  I like to sit near dim lamps and read and think and just be alone.  I'm a loner and a decompressor.  Jude is all about people all the time.  He can play well by himself, but he would choose people any day.  I'm just not like that at all.  I like my time alone.

It sounds so hideously ugly to even admit that, but it can be so true.  I like my time for myself.  By the time 5:00 rolls around, I just don't feel like I have much left to give.  I am physically and emotionally spent.  And there's not enough time in the weekend to make up for all the time I've robbed Jude of the other 5 days out of the week.  I am selfish with my time.

It's difficult for me to find the balance.  Because on one hand, I need self care.  I need the time to relax and unwind and just breathe for my own sanity.  The times I try to give to exhaustion just leave me overly anxious and sometimes panicked.  So that's not good.  But there are also times that when I get home Jude just wants my attention.  He hasn't seen me all day.  He should want my attention.  And the last thing I want to do is hurt his heart simply because I am burnt out from a days work.  It's hard.  And I confess there is much room for growth.

And there is the reality that whatever things around the house need to get done aren't going to get done unless I do them.  There's no one to pick up my slack.  So the question becomes 'when is ok to take a break for yourself and when should you give of yourself sacrificially'?  'when is it time to take care of responsibilities and when you should you let the pile of laundry go'? 

I don't know the answers to that.  I do know that this is something I need to work on.  I need accountability in this to be honest.  That little boy up there loves me so unconditionally and is so happy and forgiving.  And I'm far from the perfect mom.  These little moments pass all too quickly, and I am scared that I'm going to miss out on the important things of life.

For now, I'm trying to catch the 10 minutes that my eyes are opened to the moment and sink my feet into them and soak them up for all they're with.  Amazingly in those moments I would give anything for an excuse to not have to leave his side.  But life doesn't work that way.  It just doesn't stop when I ask it too. 

This past weekend I threw myself into the moment of tent building with Jude.  It was full of the magic and wonder that only a child can have when you assemble sheets and chairs into their own kingdom.  I recalled the moments in my own childhood where I had been taken to another world, similar and fantastic.

But mainly I just breathed Jude in.  Breathed in his desire to tell stories about ogres and banshees.  Tonight I breathed in his desire to sing Bible songs like "Jesus loves the little children" several times in a row.  I just want to breathe him in more.

How do you manage to give of your time even when you desperately crave quiet?

Will you hold me accountable to stopping for the moment?

4 random things about me

Today I am doing my second vlog with Rags to Stitches.  I am sharing 4 things you may or may not know about me.  Or giving more information about things you already know about me including- my biggest struggle, my deepest desires, my childhood idol, and my guilty pleasure.  Enjoy!