"The thistle is a prickly flower, aye, but how it is sweetly worn."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The ugly side of my abortion- for Wendy Davis.

**Disclaimer- before you read this, there is some background knowledge about me on the left regarding my grace-filled abortion story.  Click here to read**

There are a whole heckuva lot of things going through my mind right now.  I promise nothing in regards to quality of writing currently, because quite frankly, I'm shakingly upset.  That being said "riddle me this Texas- how does a meaningless Texas congresswoman go from abortion filibuster to governor possibiltiy".  Where exactly do you see credentials in that?  One speech does not qualify you to run a state.  That does not catapult you from middle school athletic team to NCAA division 1 team.  Sorry.  I don't really care what other 'social programs' she in theory supports.  I don't care that she supports more insurance for Texas children (I do too).  I don't care that she cares about Texas jobs (I do too).  One speech does not prove you know how to lead a state.  A state, which by the way, has managed to escape severe repercussions from the economy despite the fact that the National government is selling us to China one trillion dollars at a time.  We shouldn't elect people because they give good speeches.... Oh wait ::cough. Obama. cough::  End of rant.

In all seriousness, I just wanted to come at this from a personal perspective.  There are a whole, whole lot of people who vote and are strongly pro choice or pro life.  However, there are also a whole lot of people who vote who feel other issues are more pertinent that abortion.  I can understand that in a lot of instances.  I don't think that argument applies though when the only reason we know the person exists is because of their abortion stance.

Most people are not technically qualified to share a personal opinion on the validity of abortion.  Most of the people haven't had one.  But I have.  So I feel like I get the special right to share.  For me this isn't just a 'my faith says this' issue.  This is a 'from my personal experience' issue.

I had an abortion at Planned Parenthood Dallas.  Just a basic looking office building somewhere around Greenville-ish.  I had to show my ID at the door.  Did you know they don't let you into the clinics unless you can prove you have a right to be there?  That means that unless you are having an abortion personally or accompanying someone you have no idea what is going on behind that door.  If you are accompanying someone do you know how far you are allowed in?  Not past the waiting room!!!!!  Do you know what this means?  When you have your consultation in which you basically say you are willing to have this abortion you are ALONE.  You and the 'nurse'.  No one has any idea what's going on behind that door.  Do you know who goes in with you for the sonogram?  you are ALONE and no one has any idea what goes on behind that door.  Do you know who goes with your into the actual clinic where the abortion takes place?  YOURSELF.  No one has any idea what goes on behind that door.  Do you know who goes with you to the 'observation' area?  You go by yourself.  Fun fact- unless Wendy Davis has had an abortion she doesn't actually even know what's going on behind those doors.

Want to know what it's like?  You have a sonogram first.  But you aren't allowed to see anything.  Because if you saw anything you'd see it actually looks like a baby.  Then you have a consultation in which you say you are doing this of your own free will.  They also warn you of the common repercussion of abortion- which is incidentally depression.  Then you go to the tiny 'operating room' which is incidentally just a basic check up room.  You are propped up.  You legs are spread.  A device is used and literally the baby is drained into a bucket.  In my case a yellow mop bucket.  Wendy Davis is famous and running for governor for defending my right to do that.  There is nothing ok about draining 7 week old fetuses from a mom to a mop bucket.  A nasty mop bucket.  This is my story y'all.  Not the news.  This is my personal experience.

After that I went into the observation room where I sat with 5-7 other girls crying.  We were all crying. Because what we just chose to do was not ok.  And there's no way you can actually have the abortion and not realize that.  I actually don't remember much of that part.  Except that I threw up everywhere.  Probably because I was so disgusted with myself.

You know what I most clearly remember?  The nights I'd claw at my own skin because my entire body was wracked with guilt.  The nights I hated to go to sleep because I couldn't deal with the pain of knowing what I'd done.  I experienced depression all right.  Guilt induced depression.  I spent the next 2 years wrestling with the thought of grace and could God's grace cover what I'd done.  Maybe it was even more than 2 years.  I will never forget, though, the way I would scream into my pillow at night trying to muffle the sound of gut wrenching tears I cried.  I had two roommates at the time- and couldn't bear the thought of them knowing my shame.  I cried that way for months.  I mean this- the only thing that kept me from taking my own life was God's grace.  From the bottom of my soul, I could not take the pain.  And again, I don't go a week even now I don't think about how old that baby should be.  He/she would be starting kindergarten this year by the way.

That's what Wendy Davis really fought for.  And that is what catapulted her to run for governor.

Praise God that He took the pain and carried my shame... that He is the God of the sinner like me.



Danielle In The City said...

Thank you for being so willing to share your own struggles in this area. My heart breaks thinking that you went through this, but I'm so glad to see how far you've been taken through that journey. I hope your story continues to reach people, and that there are girls who read it and are comforted to know that they aren't alone in how they've experienced this kind of trauma. I hope they also know that they are loved. When I see people post so flippantly about "my body, my right." I can't help but wonder if they've ever take advantage of that liberty - the answer is probably no. People are hurting, and we're so caught up in the politics that we don't even notice. I wish both sides of this issue would come together and hear the stories of the women who've been there. I think it could be valuable on both ends.

ThistleAshD said...

That's very much my prayer. There's so much more to this abortion issue to me that religious beliefs or science beliefs. It's really really frustrating to listen to people's opinions on it because I just don't think people (ie Wendy Davis and all the other Wendy Davis' of the world) even have experienced it. The actual statistic that planned parenthood themselves shares is that you are likely to suffer from depression. They make you sign a waver saying you understand that risk. It just really riles me up because there is so much more to this than people realize.

Falen @ Upward Not Inward said...

Your transparency is brave beyond words. I admire you. And your raw, real self makes me smile often. Thank you for being you, being real, and sharing your story. (((Hugs))) that grace stuff... That's good stuff. :)

Megan Card said...

I wish I could give you a bear-sized hug right now. And cry with you. And assure you that yes, the grace of God will cover you... over, and over, and over again. You are so loved. So, loved.

Miss Rachel M. said...

During college a friend of mine told me of her decision with regards to her baby and I stood by her. Not for any other reason then to remind her that in the quiet times when time has passed by and she may feel alone, she'll be reminded of God's love that puts caring people by her side to remind her that His love is unfailing. That His love is full of redemption. That His love brings light in the form of friends and loved ones to be an encouragement in the darkest days. The same God is working in you as you share your story with thousands of people worldwide.

Be encouraged,