"The thistle is a prickly flower, aye, but how it is sweetly worn."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Heartaches and Dreams

This blog entry will probably (hopefully) be the saddest one I ever write. This coming Monday marks the end of an era, the end of my maternity leave. Monday will be the worst day of my life. I'm certainly blessed because I got a longer maternity leave than I really should have. Thanksgiving week was "free" essentially, and I convinced HR to let me have off an extra week. I got 8 weeks when I should have gotten 6. God really looked out for me in that way. I can't imagine having left Jude any earlier. He's still so young and so little. Luckily, I'm only working from Monday through Friday and then I have off two weeks for Christmas. Gotta love the teacher's work schedule. It really is so much more conducive to being a mom than most other careers.

That being said, right now I would love nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. It's a weird feeling because I actually do love my job, especially this year. I have the best group of kids I've ever had. They are so sweet and kind and generally well behaved. And they make me laugh. I can't wait to see them and how much they've changed.

But none of them are my baby. You can't fully understand what it's like to love your own child until you are there. Even pregnancy doesn't fully capture the range of emotions you feel when you see your own child in the flesh. I find myself so entranced with every little thing he does. I will stare at and notice every detail in his wrists for heaven's sake. I'm just so amazed by every little thing that is Jude. I hate the thought that I'm going to miss so many hours of his precious life. Each second is unique and unlike any other. I have this overwhelming feeling that no one he stays with will understand him completely. I've spent 8 weeks with him learning his cry's and understanding his schedule. I want to be there to put him down for a nap each time. I want to be the last thing he sees when he falls asleep and the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I want to be able to hear every adorable little baby noise he makes. I want to see all his smiles. It's killing me to know I won't. Even worse is the thought that I might miss the big milestones. I want my camera there and ready for all those special moments. The blog depends on it after all!

All my life it seems, I've been in to 1950's tv shows, movies, fashion, etc. (hence my wedding dress...) Lately, I find myself daydreaming about being born in that era yet again. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about all this. I would be expected to stay home with my baby. And I really can't think of any dream I'd rather have come true. So far I've thought about Monday 3-4 times. Each of those times resulted in me tearing up. I can only imagine the number of tears I will cry come Monday. I know I'll get through it, and I will only work 5 days for now anyway. Still, leaving Jude will be hardest thing I'll ever do.

Maybe one day I'll get to stay home, but it's not this year. I do know this- every negative situation has a positive side. This one is no different. Loving my own child and understanding the love of a parent will make me such a much better teacher. I think I'll be better able to talk with parents and form relationships with them because now I understand just how important that little boy or girl is to them- no matter how many times the child turns their card. I'll be better able to love these little ones because I more fully understand all that is beautiful in a child. I think I'll appreciate them more because one day, not that long ago, some mom or dad looked at them sleeping and tried to memorize every little aspect of every baby finger....

And now, I get it...


Martha said...

Hang in there! I think Chaz and I will come help paint this week...maybe we will see you and Jude around one evening!

allie-mac-fallie said...

So well said, with that in mind I will be praying for your transition :) Also, check your facebook inbox - I sent you more info on the natural med topic :)