If you spend any amount of time surfing through life blogs, you will have seen the 'one word' concept floating around the past several years. The idea is that instead of a list of resolutions, you focus on more of a character trait you want to develop in yourself. Last year, I focused on contentment. And it was an amazing year of growth where I really came to love the things I had in my life, instead of focusing on all I thought that went wrong. I'm still working on it, especially via 1000 gifts and thanking God for his grace in the moment. But even with all the way I have yet to go, I can look back and see how far God brought me, and the way He blessed my life through that process. Amazing.
So in light of how wonderful my experience with 'one word' was last year, I wanted to do it again. I've spend this week thinking through the things that are most plaguing me and what I need. More than anything I am struggling with wanting to be free from this anxiety, which is mostly rooted in this fear of not being perfect. I am constantly trying to hold everything together. Some of it is the reality of being both mom and dad, helper and provider. Some of it is my own personality. And either way, I need to learn to let go and trust God to carry my burdens.
What I need is to fly Free. Not caged by my to do list. Not caged by perfection. Not caged by fears.
Free to enjoy the moments. Free to hope in the Lord and depend on Him to hold all these things I'm juggling together. Free to not be the strong one, but let the Lord renew my strength. Free to live and accept each moment as grace- even when I didn't do it the way I wanted. Free to forgive myself for my mistakes and try again.
And so my prayer and goal for this year is to Fly Free from all these fears and things I let hold me back. Some ways I am doing this involve:
* counseling for anxiety (and most of the resulting things are her suggestions)
* taking more time for myself- like actually paying a sitter so I can be by myself kind of thing
* Creating a night routine that includes Jude in his room learning to sleep by himself, me using that time to unwind
* more time with friends/boyfriend without Jude around
This makes me feel terribly selfish to even type out, but I give myself so much at work and then come home and have to give so much to Jude. (In reality, we are talking a couple times a month by myself, a couple times a month with friends, etc.) And I guess I just feel myself breaking under it all. So this year, I am going to be Free to allow myself the time I need to just be myself.
What are your goals for this year?