"The thistle is a prickly flower, aye, but how it is sweetly worn."

Saturday, March 6, 2010

confession


I have a confession to make. I can't be everything I need to be. I know, I'm not supposed to be perfect. It's just I'm having such a hard time keeping up with everything like I should. Not to mention the energy.

Teaching is one of those jobs that can take a lot out of a person. It takes a lot of time to plan quality lessons and analyze them so you can go back and help the children who are more behind. I love what I do. I love my kids, and it's important to me that I do my best job for them because, quite literally, their futures depend on it. They say it can take a child 3 years to recover from a poor teacher. I'd hate to think I set someone up for that type of recovery.

This was exhausting enough pre-motherhood. Now it just makes things so hard sometimes. I miss out on so much with Jude as it is. We spend, at best, 5 hours a night together. In reality, its more like 4. He's a really easy baby, but he's still a baby and he needs things nearly constantly. I love taking care of him because I miss out on so much, but it means I get nothing done in the evening.

This is where I'm starting to feel guilty. I'm a terrible wife. Between work and spending time with Jude, I cannot seem to find the time to do things around the house. I wish I had the energy in the evenings to clean up at least one room or dust or something, but I really just don't.

After Jude goes to sleep, I shower, wash all his bottles and my breastpumping supplies. I pump a little before I go to sleep. By then its 10-11 and I'm dead tired and I go to sleep. If I don't go to sleep then, I'm exhausted for the day what with his 3:30 feeding and my alarm going off at 5am.

I've always been one of those clean freaks who really gets off on having everything in order. It's driving me crazy that I can't keep up with it all. I feel so guilty because I just feel like I'm dropping the ball with some of my duties. I know that this is the 21st century and Michael can help and he does. I still feel like its my responsibility though. And I can't keep up with it.

The only way I can is to let Jude play by himself. He is fine with it, but I become consumed with a guilt of letting him grow up without spending time with him. I feel guilty when I don't clean and I feel guilty when I do. It's terrible. I just don't know how to budget my time wisely so I'm maximizing my time with Jude and Michael while still feeling like I am taking care of responsibilities at work and around the house without overextending myself.

I'm at a loss, and I just feel like I am failing Michael and Jude with it all. How do you working moms do it?


1 comment:

katebradley said...

3 months left and then you can get all summer to love your boys. I can't imagine teaching and planning and being a wife and then adding a baby to everything, but I'm sure you do as best as you can and Jude knows that you love him!