Here are some things I'm reflecting on:
Am I proud of the life I'm living? In some ways. I'm trying really, really hard. But one thing I'm learning in this current season is that I'm broken and there is a limit to what I can do. I can't be everything to everyone. Sometimes that makes me upset with myself. I want to please everyone. But I can't. I'm extremely thankful for my little tribe of people who expect nothing from me and always offer grace. What I'm proud of (or really more thankful for) is that despite all the expectations I can't live up to in the world, God sees me as covered, as Christ's beautiful bride. He gave himself up for me to make me whole. So while the world may see my humanness and my brokenness right now. God just sees radiance. And I love that.
What have I tried this month? I am excited to say I've been trying a lot! For all the bone weary day in day out stuff, I come home and try stuff! So there! I've taken up paleo- which means nightly adventures for me. Some are awesome. Some need tweaking next time. But I am loving experimenting with food. I love watching myself develop into a chef, constantly cooking from scratch. I love smelling these things and watching them unfold into something exciting. It's like a whole new world of possibility has opened up to me, and it's amazing!
What am I doing to get out of my routine? Bridget's bachelorette party!!!! Insert high kicks! In case you didn't know, my little brother is getting married this March. This means two very important things for me. I get the adventure of going to Charleston, South Carolina this month for a bachelorette party. And I get an adventure next month for the wedding in Annapolis. Back to Charleston though... I've never been there. I'm so excited to see this city of Southern charm! I'm going to have to reach back into the recesses of my mind (or drink lots of wine since it also brings this out...) for my southern accent. Because South Carolina, obviously. And possibly a big hat... I'm excited for a change of perspective. A way to take some deep breaths away from the day to day. And I pray that I return with a new perspective realizing the world is both bigger and smaller than I thought before. And that God is everywhere, but He's also right here with me.
What have I learned about God this year? Right now I'm also reading Comforts from the Cross, so I'm learning that Jesus loves me. Really loves me. That I don't need to achieve or be anything for him. He just loves me. This is important, because I've felt forgotten by God this year. Now I know in my head and have known all along that isn't true. My heart has forgotten. Even today my heart has forgotten. This school year has been one week of tears after another. A lot of times I wonder why God why. Yet God is a God of rebirth. And labor is hard. I'm very much feeling that I am in the depths of hell in many ways each day. But Jesus descended into hell and on the 3rd day he rose from the grave victorious. So I am hanging on to that promise. Joy comes in the mourning/morning. Rebirth and resurrection happen. As we enter Lent in a few days, there is probably more to ponder about this...
(Side note- it's not all hell. I have some really great kiddos.)
What brokenness is holding me back? Emotions. My emotions hold me captive. If I am despondent or sad or overwhelmed, I can't break free from that. I am stuck in that place until something new jolts me out of it. I'm trying to overcome it, but the truth is, I can't. The Cross is my only hope there. I am not a victim of circumstance- I need to take heart because He has overcome the world. He is good and He does good things in life. These things are true. I need to control my thoughts though, because my thoughts are controlled by my emotions. And my emotions can ruin me.
What do I want more of? Community. I need regular rotations with dinner and wine. But not at restaurants. Like at houses. I mean even if it were just once a month. Maybe it's because I need distractions. Maybe it's because I've gotten really into cooking lately. I don't know. I just want to have people over for dinner more. I want to work on my hospitality skills, which is somewhat a biblical thing, so it's good for me. Consider yourself invited.