Thursday, August 18, 2011
A year ago in May I sat across from the lawyer I'd just met, my own Harriet Tubman who would lead me to freedom. Those early months of separation and divorce between April 2010 to January 2011 are really all a blur, including my first meeting with my lawyer. I don't remember many details of that meeting but one that always sticks out to me is my mom looking at him with tears in her eyes and saying she just wanted her daughter back. That was the first time I ever acknowledged the ghost of the person I had become, a mere shadow of the person I once was.
My divorce was final in August of last year, and as I start a new school year, I find myself reflecting on where I was last year and where I am now. A year ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been. I was completely broken and terrified and consumed with the lies I'd been told of my own worthlessness. I would be lying if I didn't admit that there were days I wanted to just give up, that I doubted my strength to keep going.
Despite those dark days, I can look back and see Christ resurrecting me through each of those moments. In so many ways, he brought me back from the dead. There is a song that has spoke so much to me during this period called Everything Glorious by David Crowder. (click the title to listen to it) I have repeated "You make everything glorious and I am yours" to myself more times than I can count. So many times I had to choose to believe that was true. A year later, I can look at myself now and myself then and say without a doubt He does makes everything glorious. I am so thankful I am His.
There are no words to describe what it's like to live again. To not be afraid all the time. To be willing to allow yourself simple pleasures without worry. To smile and laugh with your whole self. To live in the moment. To be happy with life and yourself. To feel good enough. To be satisfied with who you are in Christ. I am so thankful I can look back and see so clearly how God took the situation I was in, brought me through it, AND made everything glorious.
Praise God "who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles." Psalm 103: 4-5