The wilderness- it seems so exciting to think about. Freedom, wind blowing through your hair, no direction, following your heart, open fields, climbing mountains, exploring jungles are what come to mind for me. It seems exciting....
... But sometimes the reality is less so. I'm coming out of the largest season of doubt I think I've ever been through. I'm so hopeful though, because I do believe God is a God of redemption. I am already seeing fruits of redemption in my everyday within my classroom. I haven't cried over school in a few weeks, which is a miracle. But you know getting there, felt like sure and certain death. I think in some ways a part of my soul did have to die. The part that cared what people thought for one thing. I'm seeing how true it is that blessed are they that have lost everything because you see Christ. When myself is lost, all I can do is look up and see Christ. That's a beautiful sight. And I am beginning to see more and more clearly. I know he will make all things new. He is a Redeemer and a Rescuer and a Resurrector. Praise him!
And yet, despite what I know to be true, I find myself plagued with doubts. What if we don't have enough money? What if this isn't God's will? What if I'm allowing Satan to win by quitting? What if we lost our house? These thoughts pop up randomly. It convicts me of two things- 1) I'm not trusting God to be faithful, good, or provide. But also 2) I'm not trusting Jimmy to be faithful, good, or provide. Ouch. That makes me so sad.
:::Blog within a blog- I cannot tell you the blessing a godly husband is. One thing I've learned since marrying Jimmy is that I really didn't understand the gospel or God's attributes as clearly as I thought. Because Jimmy so faithfully and beautifully lives out the gospel and Christlikeness towards me, I find myself more and more able to understand the depth of Christ's love and sacrifice. It's a beautiful conviction- one where I'm better able to love the Lord because Jimmy loves me so well. I'm able to understand why I don't want to sin- not because I want to check things off my list, but because I love him/Him and want to please him/Him. I'm just so proud of him because he lives his life so well. He was worth the wait. :::
So trust- I am speaking that truth to myself some. Right now, it's not that scary. But I know that this is going to call me to a place of deep trust. A wilderness where I won't have all the answers. I didn't realize how much self trust went into me having a higher paying job, which is sin honestly. Part of me is excited because I know I will get to learn to trust God deeply and learning more about Him is always beautiful. Part of me is scared because of that same thing.
What I know to be true is this- like Peter walking on water- the secret always lies in the vantage point. Am I focused on the storm, the water, the depths, the what ifs? Or am I focusing on the truth- my Savior loves me, he is with me, he controls this? I'm choosing to continue to look up. To continue to seek His face. To comfort myself with his steadfast love. I want to embrace the beauty of Him because I do believe he is leading me. I'm so thankful that He and Jimmy understand my heart. I'm so thankful that I am being given the time to invest in family. I'm so thankful for Jimmy's dedication and hard work. I'm so excited to discover my passionate side again. I'm thankful for time to breathe, for the ability to fully invest in Jude. Sometimes when I just really stop to think about it all- all I can do is praise Him!
So we fix our eyes, not on what is seen, but what is unseen....