Baby Cakes - an update

 It's been almost exactly a month I think since we found out Baby Cakes probably has Down Syndrome.  The weirdest part of that is saying it's only been a month, when, in fact it feels like an eternity.  No one can prepare you for the megalith of emotions you go through with anything that changes your trajectory so much.  I've felt it all- hurt, sadness, frustration, fear etc... I am in no way done feeling all the things about it.  It's a lot to take in.  There is more to it than I previously understood.  

I was previously unaware of the plethora of health issues people with DS face.  Some aren't as scary- like smaller ears so greater likeliness for ear tubes.  Others are gut wrenching- like the chances of Alzheimer's in later life.  But the one that occupies today is heart defects.  

I hate the way my personal OB delivered the news and has also talked with me about it in my follow up a month later.  Unfortunately, my original OB retired, and the new OB took over.  Due to actually the most insane insurance issues ever with this pregnancy, I very quickly ran out of time to switch, so I am sort of stuck.  He's just very impersonal and so instead of seeing our baby as still a baby, it feels like he has become a diagnosis.  Even in telling me the gender, he said, "it's a male," So matter of fact.  Like a science fact.  It has occurred to me a few times that maybe the reason things have worked out where I have him as my Dr, is simply to show him what compassionate, joyful love for all people looks like.  He is completely bothered by the fact that we won't do amniocentesis and just seems so calloused against the idea of any child with any special need.  If anyone reads this and wants to pray over this situation, I would appreciate it.

Thanks be to God we also have another Dr, who I absolutely love.  When you get a genetic diagnosis, you are sent to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr who as far as I can tell specializes in high-risk pregnancies.  Ours was so gracious, kind, encouraging, and overall phenomenal.  He was exactly what I needed after reeling from the visit with my original Dr.  He never even really suggested amnio.  He knew that the genetic counselor had mentioned it, that I had declined it, and he said he supports whatever the parents feel the most comfortable with.  I love that.  God bless him.

What we did do there was have a much more high tech anatomy scan to search through known common defect areas of DS.  There are a variety of measurements and body areas that can come up, but none of what they call soft markers came up save a heart defect.  As I mentioned earlier, this is a very common defect in DS, although the severity can vary.  I praise God that as of right now we are not facing a terrible defect.  The Dr was very encouraging that this defect is unlikely to need open heart surgery, and if it does, it wouldn't be necessary until he is quite a bit older and thus, stronger.  Hallelujah!  For those interested, it's a ventricular septal defect.  I am so thankful right now that that is the only concern.  I pray daily that no other concerns pop up, and that the VSD shrinks.

Tomorrow Jimmy and I will drive to Dallas for our first fetal echocardiogram.  We are praying that it confirms a minor diagnosis, and praying that the cardiologist gives us encouraging news, an encouraging outlook, and is just kind.  This isn't the road I thought I would be walking, but I know The Lord has been with us every step of the way.

Probably the coolest moment of "The Lord Has Gone Before You" in this is the fact that we actually are friends with a family whose 2 year old son has DS.  We met them last fall when Jimmy and I did a marriage class at church.  We had hung out a few times after class, but then of course we left for California.  Getting back in town and picking back up has been weird because of just being nomadic the month of June, trying to unpack our house in July in the midst of coming to terms with a surprise pregnancy, then going through major insurance confusion while also being beyond sick this pregnancy.  To finally getting past nausea at 16/17 weeks and immediately finding out about DS.  It's been a lot.  But this past week, I finally found the courage- and had come to grips enough- to reach out to her about Baby Theo.  We spent last Wednesday just chatting about her daily life and deciding that clearly, we are destined to make our families best friends.  Having anyone in your circle with the same life is a huge blessing.  How good is God to give us that.  

My biggest takeaway from her is that she said she was actually excited for me, even though it sounds strange to say, because we are about to be given the biggest gift of joy and peace that we didn't know our family needed.  I am clinging to that word in all my faith believing that The Lord has blessed us indeed.  Even in the different path, He is good.

Hey Jude is Driving

 

It seems remiss that I not write about the latest milestone of the OG and namesake of this blog.  Jude turned 16 a week ago and got his license 3 days later.  Where has the time gone?  Remember when I started this blog while in the 3rd trimester with him?  For those who are newer, I assume you can look at the dates in the sidebar and find those old posts.  Or don't haha.  24 yr old Ashley was a very different person.  

As you can see by this picture, he was more than excited and ready to reach this milestone.  I don't think there is a single milestone he was more ready to conquer.  This is the kid whose first word was GO after all.  He's been ready for motion since he entered this earth.  

I wanted to take some time to reflect on who Jude has truly become.  All those years ago, I was blogging as I watched him unfold.  Surely, if he is anything like I was at 16, he has plenty of unfolding left to do.  Heck, I don't know if we ever stop unfolding.  At least that's been my experience with myself.  But it is interesting to stare at the 16-year-old man he's become and be well aware of the good (and the bad).  

Jude is incredibly loyal and forgiving.  He will stick by his friends through all manner of offenses.  He is so quick to forgive them and move on.  There have been people he didn't get along with, but as soon as they had a good, resolving conversation, he is immediately ready to let them enter his circle as if nothing happened.  

He is so thoughtful.  I cannot tell you the number of times he has gone out with his friends but brought me something back just because.  He loves to just bless me which is just so sweet and surprising. When he found out we were having another baby, he was so excited.  He loves babies and little kids and is just so quick to become their favorite.

He brings the party.  To be honest, I have mixed emotions on this one.  On the one hand, he brings the fun, the laughs, the excitement.  All his younger cousins are obsessed with him.  My kids have the most fun when Jude decides to play with them (happens less often these days).  But with that fun comes sheer chaos.  It's loud, it's wild, and the chances of something getting broken still increases.  That would be the drawback.

He is frighteningly adventurous.  He has more injuries, which I find out about way after the fact, than I care to recount.  Zip lining upside down at camp.  He is an expert bike wheelie maker/rider, including across intersections in Azusa this spring.  To the point that some stranger videoed him and posted it to his own social media.  Somewhere on the interwebs of LA Jude rides in infamy.  As of right now, he is a cautious and very good driver.  I hope it stays that way!

Overall, he is just a joy and a blessing.  I had no idea 16+ years ago when I started this blog just who it was that was forming.  And he still has plenty of surprises for me.  But what fun it has been to get a front seat ride- even if I've covered my eyes more than a few times.

Baby Cakes

 A few weeks ago, I posted online about "Baby Cakes makes 5".  I was 14 weeks pregnant and had just finally gotten a sono of our little one done.  It was a precious sono because the baby was kicking so happily and moving that sweet hand up by his mouth.  It was an amazing moment seeing him move about on screen after what has been a bit of a trying pregnancy.

You see, the insurance issues with this pregnancy have been unreal.  To be honest, they only just ended a few days ago due to the insurance company getting my birthdate wrong and apparently, having an entire 30 days to get it corrected.  Insane.  Add to that the unbelievable, never-ending nausea that has accompanied this pregnancy, and it's just been more trying than some others.  Especially when it took 14 weeks to get to the sono.  In retrospect I am so thankful we didn't see him until 14 weeks because the image of his happy little self has sustained me.

By the grace of God, the receptionist at my ob pulled some strings and got me into the Dr despite the incorrect birthdate.  She is an angel, truly.  Even still, I didn't get into the Dr for the first time until 16 weeks.  I had a quick sono, checked the heartbeat, determined the due date, which they dated as March 14, and headed down for bloodwork.  

A week later, I went in for another appointment, more of a checkup of sorts because it had been over a year since I had been there.  At the end the Dr, sat down with me to tell me the bloodwork came back with markers for Down Syndrome.  In the office, it wasn't nearly as shocking as it was when I got to my car.  Or when I got home and told Jimmy.  In some ways, it didn't shock me because I am older and risks just increase.  And in others you just can't really be prepared for the unexpected.  

Even now, do I understand how I feel?  Not really.  It's mostly just an opportunity for prayer.  We won't know for sure until he's born.  There is a test we can do, but it isn't without risks, so not worth it in my opinion.  We will be meeting with a maternal fetal specialist soon for an in depth sono.  I'm praying lots of things.  Praying for a fully regular set of chromosomes for this baby.  Praying for no internal organ malfunctions for this baby.  Praying for best case scenarios.  Praying for the peace and grace to walk through the next 5 months of the unknown.  Praying for the grace to handle the unexpected in the future.  

But mostly, just remembering that Even If (as Habbakkuk prays), I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.  I know The Lord enough to know He isn't failing me now, has never failed me before, and my future is good.  This baby's future is good.  He has walked with me through abortion, divorce, the abandonment of so many friends, the fear of my ex taking Jude, the struggle with a job I hated, the struggle with panic attacks and anxiety, and unbelievable sadness over some things in Jimmy's life.  And yet every single one of those situations turned around miraculously, beautifully, immeasurably more than I could have ever thought or imagined.  So I KNOW that this will be the same.  For that I praise the Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and maker of our little baby boy, Theordore Fisher, our little "gift of God" and in honor of my great grandfather whose memory is never shared without fondly talking about how jolly he was and always whistling or singing.  He was the happiest baby on the sono, and I believe he will be a JOY.

Homeschool Freedom

 As probably anyone who has ever homeschooled probably would tell you, there is a constant trial and error over everything from curriculum to schedule.  We originally followed the regular public-school schedule because that just seemed logical.  That was what I knew.  That was what Jude's friends did obviously.  Having gone from my own school experiences, to college, to teaching public school, to having kids, honestly, my entire life has run on a fall semester, spring semester, summer break schedule.  

But then you learn, as with so many things in homeschool, that you can literally do what you want.  Curriculum itself is generally designed in 160-180 days, but how you divide that up those days can vary tremendously.  Do you want to do 4 days or 5 days?  Six weeks on 1 week off with a summer break?  9 weeks on with a 1-week break?  You name it.  Endless possibilities.

Because Jude was so used to living in the summertime, no school mentality, he expected breaks then.  My younger 3 have no such experiences.  They have had a new schedule every year honestly.  I've noticed with them that having some number of structured activities is good for their brains, keeps them grounded and just honestly, they enjoy it.  They start fighting when they get bored, break things when they get bored, etc.  

This past year, we did take July off because we had just arrived from California, I had just found out I was pregnant with Baby 5, and so many other things were going on.  But we started back in August trying a work the first 3-4 weeks of the month, take the last month off of school schedule.  I feel like this schedule has the potential to be easy because I can generally guarantee the week off with coincide with Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It is such a nice feeling to just have to push through for 3-4 weeks knowing you will get a break soon.  It provides regular breaks, so there are still full weeks of just sheer abandon for the kids.  

It's been great as the teacher/planner because I can choose things to focus on for a month at a time, jot out a road map, get a bird's eye view without trying to plan out an entire year or semester.  Since I plan by the month, I have also been able to adjust each month's activities to something more manageable.  Not surprising, I bit off more than I could chew originally.  But with each month that has passed, I am able to fine tune those extra bits to something that I know I can do that month.  This will particularly important as we get to March/April when we do welcome a new baby.  I am hoping we can just take a week or two and then soft pedal through the main subjects, leaving the lagniappe behind.  But who knows.  I know enough about babies to say just because I've done this 4 times doesn't mean I will understand what to do with this particular baby.  I've yet to have one that didn't throw me some curve balls.

Regardless, coming off our September break, gazing ahead to our upcoming October month of school, I am really loving this way of scheduling.  I find it so lifegiving and manageable.  It's great for little kids for sure.  Their little brains with getting mushy towards that last week of September.  Hopefully they will be able to focus again tomorrow.  It's great for me too.  It's just a lot to homeschool 3 kids.  Beyond homeschool and getting dinner on the table, it doesn't seem like there is much time.  But knowing that break is coming at least allows you to get to those leftover things eventually.  

(Jude is on a more normal schedule, at least for now.  Mainly this is due to him starting in September because up until mid-August we had planned to send him to public school.  Even without that, things are just different with high school.)  

Am I saying that I finally found the perfect homeschool schedule.  Doubt it?  It's highly possible that not having a big chunk of weeks to take off will bother me.  It's highly possible that next year we will do something different.  But right now, it suuuuurrrreeee feels like this schedule just flows.

On Spiritual Warfare

 In the fall of 2022, I underwent the most severe spiritual warfare of my life.  As a college student, I had played around some with tarot cards which I believe had left me chinked with a spirit of fear.  This gained more of a hold over me through later decisions with abortion and an abusive marriage.  In August 2022, I prayed that the Lord would be so preeminent over my life that any strongholds would be demolished.  He answered this prayer in September, by allowing my daughters minor surgery to prompt a series of panic attacks and battles against demonic strongholds to manifest in my life.  In the moment, these were the most terrifying of days.  In hindsight, I see God's goodness in it, because it was the path to freedom.  Ultimately, I learned that according to Ephesians, I am already seated in the heavenly places with Christ and I have every spiritual blessing needed to cast down all these powers and dominions that seek to erect themselves in my life.  Whereas prior, I felt like I was helpless against the attacks of the enemy, now I realized I have every power through the blood of Christ to cast these down.  I began to play an offensive game.

As I began truly praying and interceding in the offensive, I began to get rather passionate about the power we have in Christ.  So many Christians lament the problems we see all around us in the world, never realizing that we have Everything We Need in Christ to address these problems.  Do you see a problem of deceit at all levels of the government?  Pray in the Spirit and cast down that demonic stronghold?  Are you broken over the culture of death taking out our children left and right?  Pray in the Spirit and demolish the arguments of death in the spiritual realms.  (Note: I am not saying we don't do things in the physical realm.  That is another post for another time.)  So often people feel helpless, but they need not.  If you are in Christ you are seated in heaven with him far above all these things trying to manifest in our country.  Cast them down in the name of Jesus!

But as important as it is to do these things on an individual level, it is even more important to do these things at the corporate level.  Our pastors need to be leading the charge praying against these powers and principalities.  I don't think there is any pastor out there who doesn't look at our country and acknowledge that demonic forces are at work.  So why is it even corporately so many (not all) are leading congregations in mediocre, weak prayers.  Why are we not storming the demonic castles when we come together and declaring them null and void in the name of Jesus when we come together.  We could accomplish so much if we came together to worship and read the Word but also pray pray pray pray pray.  I personally am praying that the Church awakens to its power in the spirit realm and that we will in prayer begin to take back this ground we are losing.  We have not because we ask not.

Letting God Love Me

 There continue to be no words that describe how absolutely insane this year has been.  One day maybe I will try, but for now, it's too raw in some ways, still unprocessed in others.  This continues to be the case.  We began this year with just so much 'hard' going on, God brought so much to light, and then like a week later we found out we would be in California for 9-12 mos.  Three weeks later we were living in an extended stay hotel in Azusa, CA.  Seven weeks later, we were living in an AirBnB in Azusa.  Four weeks later, we were in an AirBnB in Kernville, CA.  Four more weeks later, we were bouncing around Texas because we had our house rented out through June.  We moved back into our house in July, have been trying to find a routine, but honestly it has continued to be a hair pulling ride.  Did you catch that that was nowhere near the projected 9 mos?

Through all this there have been so many highs and lows, specifically spiritually.  January 2025 was probably the lowest point of our lives to date.  Things felt incredibly hopeless.  March and April 2025 were some of the best days of our lives to date.  We absolutely thrived in CA in so many ways (not in every way in retrospect, but a lot of ways).  I regularly look back on our time in CA as just some of the best of my life.  I am so so thankful for the time there.  For most of June and July, I was just baffled by why were back in Texas.  How could God take something so good from me so quickly?  I never even dreamed of CA.  He put me there.  Why did He put me there to only make me love it and pull me out?  I don't fully know the answer to that, but as time has gone on, I've gotten some better perspective.  Some.

July and August have been some of the most formative and healing months of Jimmy's life.  That's the answer I have as to why we are back.  For reasons only known to God, He has used this construction job to form Jimmy so deeply into His image in ways I never even imagined.  It's been an amazing transformation for him.  God has done a lot in Jimmy's life.  Especially January.  It was a true burning bush month for him.  But July and August have been the true deepening journey with God for him. God is so good, and I am so amazed at all He has done.  More than I imagined indeed. 

But in the midst of that, there have been some huge struggles with other areas that have been absolutely difficult for me in particular.  Trusting God in the dark moments.  Questioning how in the world is this going to work out moments.  Feeling like we are staring down the Red Sea and the Pharoah moments.  To say that I am at the end of what I can fix, what I can accomplish, what I can control is an understatement.  This is not really a situation I've been in from this context, so it's very stretching for me.  But a few weeks ago, at church I felt the Lord tell me that the only way He can show me HOW He can do all things, how HE can perform miracles, how HE alone can make a way, how HE alone can just love on me, is to have me in the position where nothing I do affects anything.  

So I am trying to embrace being completely helpless.  So God can step in and be God.  So He can save me and love me and heal me and show me His glory.  So I wait.

School Year and Jalais Hill 1867

 We are three weeks into the school year, and I have just been so enjoying it so far.  I tried some new things this year, and I think I'm going to love it.  We have settled into using Masterbooks as the core of our curriculum for the main subjects, although there tends to be some adjustments tweaked along the way.  That probably would be true no matter what.  I've always appreciated the way Masterbooks keeps everything simple and in manageable portions.  Sometimes I just need to add in extra practice or games.

I have always sort of jumped around with using Masterbooks, Good and the Beautiful, and a variety of library books for science and history.  I love the textbooks we have, but my kids always enjoy the deep dive history and science units (mainly from Good and Beautiful) as well.  Last year, I discovered Generations Taking the World for Jesus series, which is essentially history through the eyes of gospel advancement, so we use those for various units as well.  On a typical month, we rotate through the Masterbooks core workbooks and one deep dive unit.  I don't always finish the textbooks within the school year, but we for sure have done over 180 days of study in the general subject areas. 

Avie age 9

What is making this year different though, is that I am focused mostly on notebooking through the subjects instead of worksheets combined with using amblesideonline.org for various Charlotte Mason components.  I started with the literary resources for 1st grade from ambleside, but I am doing them as a group with my kids.  We just kind of loop through what we can- I have no expectation of finishing all their activities within the year.  I love that homeschooling allows us to just go as we go, especially with the extra things.  We always finish math and language for the year, but everything else we just plug along knowing we Are doing that much learning.  Just never in the same continuous resource.

Lily, age 5

I have just been delighted though with the bits of notebooking we have done.  It is just precious!  It holds all their copywork, which can be anything from a line from Aesop to our hymn lyric.  So many sweet little drawings in these notebooks, and we are only 3 weeks in!  But the most touching for me thus far happened this week- we are currently studying Camille Pissarro's work via the ambleside suggestion.  The first picture we studied of his was Jalais Hill, Pontoise, 1867.  I had each child try to draw the painting as they see it in their notebooks.  It is amazing to me how each child focused on different parts, but all saw the same painting.  I love how it is accessible to all 3 children who are 5, 6, and 9 currently.  It was one of those moments where you glimpse the good and beautiful foundations being laid and you are so thankful that you get to be here in this moment with these precious children.  So thankful that our days are spent together.  Not every moment together is sweet.  But the moments that are that sweet, are treasures forever.  Thank you Jesus!

Will, age 6