The Lord is my Strength and my Song

 

"The Lord is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation."

~ Exodus 15:2

 

 

 

I read this verse about a week ago during my quiet time.  I have always read through the Bible during my quiet times, and about the time I headed back to school I also landed myself once again in Exodus.  And because The Lord is sovereign over even my 'reading through the Bible', I could not have found a more ummm 'appropriate' time to land with the Israelites in the desert.

 

This school year is kicking my tail.  Maybe it was the fact that I spent the first 7 school days in the only room in the building with no AC, where it actually felt like the desert.  Actually, though, it's all these little things seem to have collided in my classroom to make something of a perfect storm.  Isn't it weird how rarely it's something majorly catastrophic, but more the daily little annoyances that add up and ultimately break us down? 

 

Needless to say, I'm honestly broken.  Everyday as I read about the Israelites struggles through the wilderness, I truly empathize and get it.  This verse above really convicted me when I read it.  It doesn't matter how many little annoyances stack up- even if they stack as high as the Red Sea.  I have a song to sing.  I've been redeemed, and I need to sing so! 

 

Of course, knowing I need to and actually choosing to do it in the moment are totally different things.  Right now, I'm not.  What I'm really doing is crying and trusting that the Lord will draw near the broken hearted. 

 

And of course He does.  He gives me just enough strength to keep going.  Even if it is truly just one day at a time.  My goals this year look a lot different this year.  (and let's be honest, thus far, I am failing miserably with my goals...)

 

1. Use a heck of a lot of JOY oil.  Heavens to Betsy- if this oil did not exist, I might lose my ever loving mind.  I am diffusing it all day every day.  I have a much easier time letting the frustrating moments roll off my back if I use it a lot.  What I need to do is train myself to stop when I am overwhelmed.... run straight to my Joy bottle... huff and apply...  Reallllyyyy need to get better about that.

 

2.  Use a lot of Release oil on the tense spots.  It amazes me how you can just feel tension in your body.  My lower back and shoulders are in knots by 3:00.  Release truly lives up to its name- the tension leaves me and I can feel it.  It's pretty amazing honestly because you can feel the difference so quickly.  I will never stop ceasing to be amazed by oils- thankful for them so much!

 

3. Never miss a quiet time.  Yes, I wake up at 4:30 each morning.  Some mornings I don't get my makeup on.  All mornings I eat breakfast on my way out the door.  But oh how beautiful are my minutes with The Lord in the still and the quiet.  He nourishes my soul in ways I can't explain.  I feel like I'm on survival mode- but survival mode isn't possible without Him!  I'm so thankful He is personal!  That early alarm clock is worth soo soo much more than an extra 30 minutes of sleep!

 

4.  I really, really, really need to get back on the 1000 gifts train.  I do add gifts each morning during my quiet time.  But I need to do more- I need to collect the gifts throughout my day.  Sigh.  Someone hold me accountable and text me during the day to ask what I'm thankful for!

 

5.  Let it go!  Let it go!  While I've gotten really good at letting my tears go and fall at will, I really need to let go of what I thought this year would look like and accept the reality.  Somewhere in all this, my reality is a gift.  Probably because I have prayed for The Lord to give me a gentle and quiet spirit of peace.  Which of course, only comes through trial.  Where your patience is tested.  So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that The Lord has answered my prayers :)  (It's amazing to me that I still pray God create virtues in me- even though I know that process is PainFul!)

 

6.  Take time to recharge.  I used to be married to my job.  But I know wearing me out doesn't do anyone any good.  This year I'm dedicating myself to not staying late.  (yes, there are days it's unavoidable... but by and large.... I choose life!)  And the truth is my mission is to love God, love Jimmy, love Jude, love my class- in that order.  A life with skewed priorities is going to fail eventually.

 

7.  Enjoy shared reading!  I don't love every part of my day.  But I love shared reading with big books with this class!  I sort of wish it was at the end of the day so I could look forward to it.  But- regardless, it is the best part of my day!  Viva la shared reading!

 

What are your tips for walking through the desert?  I need them!

 

#1831568

 

 

 



Book Club

One summer a wonderful friend of mine started a book club for all the teachers from Lee Elementary to join.  I'm not even sure how many years ago this was anymore.  Maybe 5.  We've read a lot of books together during the summers.  Stalked a Denton murderers house together.  Eaten a lot of brunch foods together.  Watched each other have babies.  Watched those babies grow up.  Seen babies happen who no one expected to happen.  The original founder moved to Seattle last year, but book club keeps going.  One of our members is moving to West Texas this summer.  A new teacher has since joined our ranks.  I am sure these movements won't be the last both in and out of the group.

Sometimes you are just looking down at your book and thinking about book club and you realized you are blessed to have something that has been a part of your life for close to 5 years.  So thankful for the amazing people I got to know while I was teaching at Lee.  #1000gifts

At book club this week #timemarcheson - I think I was probably pregnant when book club started.

Love Without Borders- Redemption

This Tuesday I wrapped up 8 weeks of pretty grueling Bible study going through the book of Exodus with the focus of Redemption of the Israelites and how it relates to our current struggles.  I completely impulsively signed up for this one Sunday at the church we had really just started visiting.  Completely weird, like all things in my life, but ultimately shows that God is directing me even when I have no idea what is happening.

I signed up because I knew I was getting married in July (2 mos!) and I thought it would be a good idea to fully clean up the 'small, remaining issues' I had from abortion/abusive marriage/divorce.  HA.  I thought I should just deal with my remaining anxiety and franticness that came because I lived in fear for several years.

That's not why I ended up going.  I'm still figuring out why I ended up going, and that is a process I am sure will continue many more days/weeks/months.  But what I do know is this:  I went because I believed a false gospel.  I believed (probably still do believe most days) that while grace saved me, I was expected to be perfect.  I have completely twisted the verse where Christ says 'be perfect as I am perfect' to mean try try try and slave away.  I've hated myself for every mistake, and have completely missed the truth that I can't be the perfect one.  Instead of falling to my knees in worship thanking Christ for His righteousness, I have daily dethroned him trying to beat myself into impossible perfection.  With every failure big or small, I saw disappointment and expected consequences.  I think I've sort of assumed my marriage/divorce happened because God punished me for having an abortion.

But that's not it at all.  He was there the whole time calling, begging me to come back come back come back.  Softly at first.  And then ever so loudly at the end because that was the only way to get my attention.  The whole time though, he adored me.  He saw me covered and perfect.  I may see tainted and failure, but He doesn't.

He sees me as His child.

That's the thought that started all the change of perspective for me.  I have struggled with how easily I lose my patience with Jude.  He is my atonement child- the child God used to save me from total hate and total inability to comprehend God's love following an abortion.  He is the child God used to save me from an abusive marriage.  He is the child God used to save me from dangerous ends when I thought panic attacks were going to drive me over the edge and life was terrifying.  I have hated myself for every time I've wanted to be alone and Jude was there.  I have hated myself for every time I've hurt his feelings when I overreact to something.  The mistakes I make with Jude have made me despise myself as much as having an abortion ever did.  And I know what a precious atoning gift he is- and I hate that I am as ungrateful as the Israelites in those moments.

But He sees me as His child.  He sees me exhausted day in and day out.  He sees me frantically trying to hold 84,000 spinning plates in the air.  I have put 100% of the responsibility of Jude's everything on myself his entire life.  And God sees that.  He sees me as a child whos exhausted and crying because they are over tired.  And just like I don't get angry at Jude for acting like a tired 4 year old, He doesn't get angry at me for acting like a tired momma.  He just wants me to let him take that burden.  Just like I want Jude to calm himself and let me tuck him in bed.

I have had grace for countless children being angry in my classroom because I knew they had rough home lives and couldn't take much more.  I have had grace for jumpy, moving little bodies because I knew they just didn't have it in them to sit any longer.  But it just never occurred to me that God has that kind of grace for me.  He is so intimately aware of my weaknesses and breaking points.  And He doesn't get mad at me for having them- He just wants me to let Him take over from there.

So I'm learning to turn it over.  I wish that made me the mom I want to be.  But it doesn't.  Last night I got home late.  And Jude was exhausted and crying.  And my brain was so fried I sat through a drive through and completely forgot to roll down the window to order.  So I just sat in the line for no reason basically.  So when I made it back around and he punched the straw through the styrofoam cup, I can't say I handled it right at all.  But Grace was there.  And He knew how tired I was and how hard that can be for me.  And while I wish I had handled it different, for the first time I am able to rest in the fact that His mercies are new every second.  And I can believe He didn't love me any less because of that.  And I believe I'm always forgiven.  And for me, that's pretty huge.

He loves me without borders of perfection.

2013- year of freedom

2013 ended with a bang for me.  Jimmy and I took a little getaway trip to Corpus Christi.  We walked the Texas prairies, coastal beaches, and got engaged!  I don't think it could have ended better.  Minus the fact I have had strep since Sunday and today is the first day I feel alive.  Overall, it ended well.

As this morning was the first I could form functional thoughts, I was pondering where I was a year ago.  Last year, I chose to focus on "flying free" for 2013.  Last year, I was having a hard time opening myself up to Jimmy.  I was holding so much back.  Last year at this time, I was battling monstrous panic attacks, extreme anxiety.  I started counseling right after the first of the year in hopes that I could be free of the fear that crippled me for so long.

God provided.  I haven't had panic attacks since January of last year.  I went to counseling through the spring and was able to lay to rest so many hurts I had held close for years.  I learned how to set boundaries for myself.  I learned how to use self care effectively, but not selfishly.  I learned how to open up.  I learned how to articulate the things I worried about before they ate me alive.  In a lot of ways, there is great freedom from anxiety.  That being said, I am not free from the need of medication.  Sometimes thats 'a hard pill to swallow' because that isn't what I want.  But at the same time, it certainly keeps me humble, and it certainly keeps me at the feet of God.  I can never wander too far from knowing how desperately I need him.  Although, it's a difficult reality, there is some blessing in those thorns.

In 2013, I made thankfulness a habit.  It was so hard and still is.  Yet, I recognize in the moments that I need to find things to be thankful for.  The good moments never fail to wash over me- this sea of peace and beauty.  The difficult moments- though they are hard and I struggle- I am fully conscious of my need to be thankful and I force the thanks out.  That's such a thought process change for me.  A sign of being free from the circumstances and free to look up.

This last part of the year I've found myself in a new job, learning so much new new new new.  There are certainly growing pains, but those are good.  Overall, I feel so blessed to be where I am.  I love being able to teach such kind, engaged kids.  I cannot stop thanking God for my 22 kids!

I ended the year deeply involved in the relationships in my little family to be.  As I learned to open up, Jimmy and I built deeper foundations.  He is the very definition of shepherd leader, and I am continually amazed by his goodness.  Words do not express the way I learn from his example.  Or the way he helps me breathe and let go.  I just feel like I'm ending 2013 with so many things having gently blown away like dandelions in the wind.  I don't know when I let them go, but I did, and I think it is largely due in part to Jimmy's steadiness day in and day out.

And of course Jude- the light of my life.  He remains hilarious and joyous and affectionate.  He calls me to account with his tears.  He makes me laugh when I'm upset.  He will always be the 'praised' one for me.  He has been my sole source of joy for so many years, and I am thankful for him beyond words.  God knew how much I would need that.  He has been the light leading me forward and helping me get up day after day.

Thanksgiving Week

Thanksgiving week in pictures:

 Jude and I had some pictures taken for our Christmas cards.  I gave up on having Jimmy take them for me in a cute local.  It has been the rainiest fall here on the weekends.

 We had two Thanksgivings.  On Thanksgiving Day, Jude and I went with Jimmy to his great aunts house.  His grandparents always come up to Ft. Worth for the holidays, so it was nice to get to see them.  This was the first time they had met Jude :)

 We also did a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday (Saturday) with my family.  My {pregnant} sister was very adamant that she needed specific sides and dishes my mom has always made this holiday.  We all worked together to comply.  It was kind of fun though because my sister and I planned a lot of it, and my mom worked with us.  I don't think all 3 of us have ever done Thanksgiving together, so it was fun to think about.  You know those moments where you are like- oh I'm an adult- it was like that.  

Jimmy was actually in charge of the turkey though.  My neighbor recently gave me his old grill which is half propane/ half charcoal smoker.  Jimmy really wanted to try smoking the turkey, and I was more than willing to allow him that priviledge.  He did an amazing job- even waking up at 4:30 to start smoking it.  It had an amazing mequite smoked flavor.  Heavens to Betsy...  And now Jimmy is going to be taking up a smoking habit.  And I am all 'ohmygoshbrisket!!!!'

 In true Rinehart fashion, we ended the day by playing a game of 5 Crowns and Catch Phrase.  Jude hadn't napped all day.  We looked over from our games and saw that he had fallen asleep in the middle of Spiderman.  Such a sweet kid.  He never once complained or cried.

He ended up just taking the perfect cat nap- short enough to allow him to go to sleep easily tonight, and long enough to allow him to regain some energy.  We spent the evening celebrating my dad's birthday and just enjoying our time together.  It was perfect :)

The Spiritual Discipline of Thanks

If you know me well enough to be my facebook friend, you know this about me: I count my blessings every day.  They are numbered and listed in my status update every morning.  This has earned me a reputation as having a thankful heart.  But that's only partly true.

In June of 2012, I read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Next to the Bible, I would say that book has done more to change my life than any other.  It felt like she wrote that straight to my heart.  She talks about her struggle to understand God's grace and how He really is good.  She talks about her struggles with fear and anxiety, to the point of involving cutting and panic attacks and medicine.  My heart rejoiced as I read her struggles because I realized I wasn't the only one.  

At the time I read this book, I had had a daily intake of xanax for about 6 months.  In January of 2012, all the pressure and fear that came out of my marriage and divorce and carrying the entire world collided into days of sheer panic and sleeplessness.  I knew exactly how she felt because I was in the midst of that storm myself.  And so, I took every word she said to heart.  I drank in the ways counting gifts changed her life and prayed fervently that it would do the same to mine.  I don't even think I had finished reading the book before I bought a notebook and began to write gifts as I saw them.

1.  My toddler singing chips and salsa songs at breakfast

2.  Surprise opportunity to go to Toddler Art at the DMA

3.  A child's thank you

4.  Jude asking a baby if he was ok.

5.  Covered porches

           

These pictures are of us at toddler art.

I actually very clearly remember this day.  Jude and I had the best time together at that toddler art class. It was probably one of the first truly happy days I had had in a long time.  Over the last 18 months, I have continued to count my gifts.  Sometimes diligently, sometimes the list has fallen to the wayside.  Although whether or not I wrote them down, I noticed a direct shift in my thinking once I started that list.  Little things I wouldn't have noticed before began to take on significance.  I remember driving back from my sisters and noticing the way sunlight reflected in rainbows off of the speed limit sign and being joyful.  How many gifts and opportunities for thankfulness had I missed in my previous 28 years by not opening my eyes?

Fast forward to now and I'm still counting.  As of this moment, my last gift was #1339- Rising before the sun in my dark, quiet house to read my Bible.  Earlier this school year (August probably) I started posting the new bits of the list each day on facebook.  I have had numerous people tell me that it encourages them to read all that I am thankful for.  I'm thankful for that :)  I hope that it helps other people see the little things they have to be thankful for on a daily basis.  I hope that it reminds them that God is good and His grace is everywhere.

But I will tell you what that list does not mean.  It does not mean I am wonderously happy all the time.  I am not constantly skipping and singing through life.  Compared to 18 months ago- I am enormously more joyful, definitely.  It has changed my attitude in every way possible.  I see God in more and I stop to pray more.  It gets easier and easier every day to find the good.  When I first started this, it was hard.  I remember sitting in my classroom last year literally straining to find something I could be thankful for. I would eventually find something, but it wasn't easy.

I've since learned it isn't supposed to be.  Giving thanks has a reputation for being this magical Christian attitude that just bubbles forth because Christ is in you.  I think that perspective might be a lie.  Giving thanks is a discipline.  Like any exercise regiment, it is extremely difficult at first.  Giving thanks is much like training to run a marathon (not that I have ever done that).  You can only find a few things to be thankful for at first.  Or you are too easily distracted to remember to give thanks.  Some days you want to be anything but thankful.  But you choose to count gifts anyway.  Some days you heart is not really in it.  But you choose to count gifts and pray He change your heart.  

He does.  There has been a huge, huge attitude shift in me since I started counting gifts.  I notice how much more I smile.  I notice how evenly keeled I stay compared to before.  I notice how hurtful things don't control my mind anymore.  I truly do have more joy than I had before.  It's not perfect.  There are lots of days when I am still straining to count the gifts.  But it's nowhere near the strain of first beginning to count.

So to encourage you, it is possible to have a thankful heart.  It is possible to see God's grace in all things and give thanks in all circumstances.  But to do that is a spiritual discipline.  It doesn't come easy.  It requires you pressing through the tough days with thanks when you really want to complain.  It requires you letting go of the things that aren't what you wanted and thanking God because you know He's at work in this somehow.  

I pray that all people may continue to count their gifts far past Thanksgiving.  Not only does it change your life, it's really commanded in scripture.  The high road is never the easy road.  But I promise it is so worth it.

On My Heart

Motherhood has been on my heart a lot here lately.  I think it's because of this {extremely} convicting study I've been doing on 1 Peter via this book.  I'm not even sure why of all things it has convicted me in this area as motherhood is not the point of the book.  I think mainly it's just how I can come home from work exhausted- and that looks anything but gentle sometimes.

In my diligence to be a Light on my campus as well as the best teacher I can be to my students, I sometimes feel like I'm burning my candle at both ends.  I can end up forgetting to keep the most important things the most important.  More than anything else, that smile is my mission.  How often do I really train him and teach him who Christ is?  Sure he sees my example- he knows I go into my office and read my Bible.  But do I really teach Jude who Christ is, sadly not often.

I desperately want to change this.  I want to be the kind of mom who raises godly men (and maybe women someday).  Last week, my pastor talked about the judgement of the saints- when Christians will have to answer for how we used the talents and gifts He's given us for His kingdom.  I do think I faithfully use those things in my workplace, but I am sadly lacking in my home.  As a Christian mother, I think my main calling is raising godly children.  My home is supposed to be a place where the Holy Spirit dwells in everything.  During the summer, it is so much easier for me to sing hymns and read the Bible with Jude.  During the school year, those things are the first to fall to wayside.

What should a Christian working mother's home look like?

This is the question I'm asking myself currently.  I won't even begin to act like I have an idea.  I am praying that God grow me into that place and show me what it should look like.

I've also been *painfully, painfully* aware of how quick these seasons fade.  Jude's interests are becoming more and more 'big boy ish' every day.  Less and less toddlerish.  He's already 4 years old, and I cry inside every night I realize there are so many moments I just can't get back.  Right now, he's still very attached to 'momma'.  But time is running out on me.  The time of nurturing and teaching him is now.  His brain is active and aware and able to make connections.  He respects me and believes me.  If I don't teach him truth now, I'm going to lose the opportunity to ever teach him.  It's sobering and scary, and honestly breaks my heart.  I miss my little baby.

And so this Christmas, we are starting some new traditions, particularly with Advent.  I want Emmanuel, God with us to be part of our daily conversation.  I don't know how you convey the intimacy of the incarnation to a 4 year old, but I want to try.  I want to light the advent wreath every night.  We are going to read devotionals after dinner.  I want to prepare my heart to receive Him, but I also want to teach Jude how to receive Him.  The significance of this holiday is so easily lost amidst the hustle and bustle of black Friday deals and lists, lists, and more lists.  Yet none of those matter in the midst of eternity.  This holiday is about focusing on things unseen that one day, when you least expect it- in a way you never would have expected, the unseen becomes God with us.  What we hoped for becomes tangible.  The deepest longings of our heart are filled in Him.

Motherhood.  The greatest calling.  Even in the incarnation, you have the greatest calling of raising Christ Himself.  And it all centers on having palms open, receiving whatever gifts He bestows on you with thankfulness and humility.  But also dedication and endurance.  A willingness to follow His lead when it seems dangerous (being attacked by Herod) or doesn't make any sense (Joseph marrying a girl who appears tainted).

Oh how I pray that Jude will understand the significance of this season....