Love Without Borders- Redemption

This Tuesday I wrapped up 8 weeks of pretty grueling Bible study going through the book of Exodus with the focus of Redemption of the Israelites and how it relates to our current struggles.  I completely impulsively signed up for this one Sunday at the church we had really just started visiting.  Completely weird, like all things in my life, but ultimately shows that God is directing me even when I have no idea what is happening.

I signed up because I knew I was getting married in July (2 mos!) and I thought it would be a good idea to fully clean up the 'small, remaining issues' I had from abortion/abusive marriage/divorce.  HA.  I thought I should just deal with my remaining anxiety and franticness that came because I lived in fear for several years.

That's not why I ended up going.  I'm still figuring out why I ended up going, and that is a process I am sure will continue many more days/weeks/months.  But what I do know is this:  I went because I believed a false gospel.  I believed (probably still do believe most days) that while grace saved me, I was expected to be perfect.  I have completely twisted the verse where Christ says 'be perfect as I am perfect' to mean try try try and slave away.  I've hated myself for every mistake, and have completely missed the truth that I can't be the perfect one.  Instead of falling to my knees in worship thanking Christ for His righteousness, I have daily dethroned him trying to beat myself into impossible perfection.  With every failure big or small, I saw disappointment and expected consequences.  I think I've sort of assumed my marriage/divorce happened because God punished me for having an abortion.

But that's not it at all.  He was there the whole time calling, begging me to come back come back come back.  Softly at first.  And then ever so loudly at the end because that was the only way to get my attention.  The whole time though, he adored me.  He saw me covered and perfect.  I may see tainted and failure, but He doesn't.

He sees me as His child.

That's the thought that started all the change of perspective for me.  I have struggled with how easily I lose my patience with Jude.  He is my atonement child- the child God used to save me from total hate and total inability to comprehend God's love following an abortion.  He is the child God used to save me from an abusive marriage.  He is the child God used to save me from dangerous ends when I thought panic attacks were going to drive me over the edge and life was terrifying.  I have hated myself for every time I've wanted to be alone and Jude was there.  I have hated myself for every time I've hurt his feelings when I overreact to something.  The mistakes I make with Jude have made me despise myself as much as having an abortion ever did.  And I know what a precious atoning gift he is- and I hate that I am as ungrateful as the Israelites in those moments.

But He sees me as His child.  He sees me exhausted day in and day out.  He sees me frantically trying to hold 84,000 spinning plates in the air.  I have put 100% of the responsibility of Jude's everything on myself his entire life.  And God sees that.  He sees me as a child whos exhausted and crying because they are over tired.  And just like I don't get angry at Jude for acting like a tired 4 year old, He doesn't get angry at me for acting like a tired momma.  He just wants me to let him take that burden.  Just like I want Jude to calm himself and let me tuck him in bed.

I have had grace for countless children being angry in my classroom because I knew they had rough home lives and couldn't take much more.  I have had grace for jumpy, moving little bodies because I knew they just didn't have it in them to sit any longer.  But it just never occurred to me that God has that kind of grace for me.  He is so intimately aware of my weaknesses and breaking points.  And He doesn't get mad at me for having them- He just wants me to let Him take over from there.

So I'm learning to turn it over.  I wish that made me the mom I want to be.  But it doesn't.  Last night I got home late.  And Jude was exhausted and crying.  And my brain was so fried I sat through a drive through and completely forgot to roll down the window to order.  So I just sat in the line for no reason basically.  So when I made it back around and he punched the straw through the styrofoam cup, I can't say I handled it right at all.  But Grace was there.  And He knew how tired I was and how hard that can be for me.  And while I wish I had handled it different, for the first time I am able to rest in the fact that His mercies are new every second.  And I can believe He didn't love me any less because of that.  And I believe I'm always forgiven.  And for me, that's pretty huge.

He loves me without borders of perfection.

Pushing back the hindrances

Lately.  Lately I am realizing that this year has a calling much higher than I originally anticipated.  I'm seeing that God had far bigger purposes for my life right now.  Actually, I thought I was going to take the year off from learning any spiritual lessons.  Ha.  Haha.  God is far too faithful to let me just maintain my status quo.  I should have known that.

It's amazing to me how God works.  I've had a very 'flavorful' life in regards to lessons learned.  You would think I would have seen a lot, learned a lot, and be shocked by little.  Nope- not true at all.  I'm continually surprised and stunned by the new heights He calls me too.  I can't believe how 'unstretched' I currently am for this new place.  I guess more than surprising, though, is how humbling it is.

I thought I knew so much, had so much figured out.  Truth is, I have so much to learn, so much to understand.  So much pride has been uncovered.  And with that comes a multitude of other things.  I didn't realize this closet existed.  It was too far back in the recesses of my soul I guess.  God's cleaning it out.  It's messy.

But it's beautiful.  I know He is able to do immeasurably more in me than I expect.  (Eph 3:20)  I know that He's faithful to complete the work He started in me.  (Phil 1:6)  He's doing a lot of work in me.  It hurts.  I'm feeling emotions I really haven't felt- probably in 15 years.  {and of course this emotion would have been clouded by teenage absurdity back then- so in many ways this emotion is straight up new to me}  I haven't the slightest idea how God is going to use this in me personally, other than making me more like Christ.  Really, though, being Christlike is all I want.

I do have hope, though, that my current suffering will have eternal good for the world around me.  I see how I am being separated out.  I see the contrast it creates around me.  I see the incompatibility of myself with the world.  While that is really hard, and not something I've experienced, I believe with all my heart that it is a divinely ordained purpose.  I have hope and groan in anticipation of the day the ground is done shaking and new levels of glory are revealed.  I am praying for that.  I hope you pray for it too as you read this.

But more than anything, I am praying I run in a way that is worthy.  It is so scary to attempt to run a race that everyone is watching, and watching to see how you run and whether or not you will fall.  Of course, the reality is that I will fall.  Plenty of times.  As evidenced by my prideful sins, I have a long way to go to be really Christlike.  I am so thankful for His grace which covers each of those mistakes.

As I set new paces in the various areas of my life, I pray I may "forget what is behind (especially how I've failed or am hurt) and strain on toward what is ahead (being more like Christ- showing who He is), I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14.  I feel like I'm daily beating myself into submission with the Word.  It's just not easy.  But praise Jesus that "my light and momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory for me".  Here's to looking heavenward- pushing back all the things that want to cloud my vision from seeing His face- and being the Light in a very dark world.

On the blind and how they can't see

I'm in a new and sometimes confusing place in life.  I have so many blessings- far more than I can count or express gratitude for.  God's love is just so clear and His hand so blatant sometimes its hard to not just stand in awe of who He is and what He's done.  At the same time, there are moments of real darkness where what He's asking of me is really, really hard.  I have no idea how to handle it, except keep looking up.  Keep seeking His face.

I'm thankful for His promises- and more than that I'm thankful that all of those promises in the Psalms and Isaiah that I love to memorize are YES in Christ.  I am thankful that because of Christ I don't have to be afraid of the big army of spiritual forces.  I'm thankful the rising waters won't wash over me because Christ will uphold me.  Sometimes those promises are all I've got.

I'm thankful for the body of believers.  Christ's presence in the believers who I see everyday fills me and flames His light in me.  Their encouragement spurs me on in this race I'm realizing I've been placed- a race I never quite saw myself running.  God is so faithful to provide exactly what we need when we need it.  The way these Christians support me and build me up strengthens me in a way that has helped me continue to press toward the prize, to keep my eyes fixed on Christ, to know He is perfecting my faith through this race which gives me so much hope.  But also there is JOY because I know that this race isn't ultimately about me.  It's about the hope of His Glory.  It's about the prayers that the world around me- my little slice of the world I'm salt and light to- may change.  Right now most of those in my world walk around with veiled faces.  They neither fully see God nor do they fully reflect Him.  But my prayer and my hope is that as I walk through life with them with my face unveiled, they will see God's light.  I pray their blinders will come off.  I pray they will see the beauty of God that is everywhere, in every single person.  I press on towards the goal of those around me beginning to reflect His glory too.

It's not the race I thought I would be running this year.  Yet, I know that is so like God.  He calls us out of the familiar into the unfamiliar, to a place that looks nothing like we expected, to a place that is exactly where He needs us.

Soli Deo Gloria

on how All {really} is Grace

So much on my heart- and where on earth do I begin.  For starters, I recently wrote this post which has been read over 600x.  My blog is very much a small blog read by some of my friends and family.  I might get 100 people to read a post after a few weeks.  Yet, both times I have publicly come out about my personal experience with abortion, the stories get read and read and shared and shared.  My original post has been shared on about 5 different blogs- some personal life blogs and some Christian/theology blogs.  It's pretty mind blowing to think about how the internet can allow a story to spread.  It's even more mind blowing to think that the one thing I would never admit- less than a year ago mind you- is the thing I'm realizing God can most use from me.

Someone left this comment on my ig regarding the post "Sin stays hidden, but God brings redemption for that which is brought to light".

For the past year and some months, I have been trying to live out '1000 gifts' and counting all the ways Grace covers everything around me.  Maybe it was the unfolding of recognizing Grace that made me feel brave enough to say yes I had an abortion in the first place.  I don't know.  I know Grace has changed everything.  Grace is so much deeper than I originally thought.  We all know that it's God's Grace that saves us.  And yet, His Grace goes so much farther than just that one act.  It is constantly taking my shame and transforming it, redeeming it from something hideous to something beautiful.  I would never have imagined that that could be true of abortion, but it is.

Sin led me into premarital sex, an abortion, a bad marriage driven by guilt, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, emotional trauma, anxiety, and eventually divorce, single parenthood, fear....

Grace took all of those things and produced Jude, my atonement child.  Taught me about love.  Gave me the courage to leave my marriage.  Helped me heal and see that abuse wasn't what I deserved.  Grace gave me the most Christlike servant- boyfriend.  Grace constantly speaks through Jimmy as I learn what it's like to be forgiven, to be served, to be loved, to be held accountable with kindness, to be encouraged.  Sometimes it just truly blows my mind to look at my life from 2007 and my life now in 2013.  There is so little the same about the person I was then and now- much less what my life was made up of then and now.  I'm beyond blessed.

And for what?  I certainly don't deserve it.  I've done it all wrong the first time around.  But oh the deep deep love of Jesus.  He takes all I've done and turns it around to bless me.  And yet also for his glory.  Because it really isn't about me.  These 1000+ gifts aren't because of me at all.  They are about Him.  The ugly becomes the beautiful because His Story is best told through the brokenness and redemption of my story.

Why can my abortion story be read at least 3000 times during this past year?  Because God's Glory shines best through my cracks.  It's an amazing thing.  I'm (in some ways) thankful for all my bad decisions, for all my pain, for all my shame, for all the nights I just wanted to die really.  I'm thankful because I see how God had carried me through all of those darkest moments.  I'm thankful because there is no greater thrill than knowing that God can use me and my story somehow.  I'm thankful because I know God can use a story like mine for greater good in the pro life vs pro choice debate far better than He could had I never made that decision.  I'm not sure what the correct word here is.  I certainly regret my original decision.  Yet, I can see how God sovereignly allowed it so that I could bring His Story out in the open.  1000 gifts.  Maybe not the most beautifully wrapped gifts.  Certainly full of ugly.  But praise God- He transforms the ugly into beautiful every day.

"But Joseph said to then, 'Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." 

~ Genesis 50:19-20 

(my most favorite voice about God's sovereignty)

Reflections on Grace

I'm sitting here listening to rain softly fall on my window panes, and I'm once again reminded of the good and beauty around me.  I don't have time in real life to sit around and post incessant pictures and blog posts like I want to.  Or I choose not to.  Life has become this amazing, beautiful thing lately.  I am enjoying savoring every moment, drinking it in full.  Who am I these days?

Grace has transformed me from a doer to an acceptor.  I don't feel the need to cross off every single thing on my to do list like I once did.  I feel satisfied that at the end of the day, I have done a job that (albeit imperfectly) was done with my heart focused on Christ and His glory.  I'm content.

Grace has transformed me from rigid to fluid.  I have never really been one to go with the flow in many senses.  I am not one for conflict, but my own personal agenda being messed with used to send me into a tizzy.  And now I just find myself stopping and saying "ok God this is the situation.  You brought this change for a reason.  I don't know why, but help me walk through it."  And those major problems become even smaller than annoyances.

This week I noticed a change in my students- just more off task that normal.  But I reflected and prayed and pondered.  And realized maybe I needed to restep up my number of positive interactions to the same level as the first few weeks of school.  It's an attitude and focus shift that has 100% to do with me- not with my kids.  And when I went to school the next day, I was able to completely return to the blissful joy of teaching with my students.

The past 2 days have been just fantastic.  I feel beyond blessed.  Yes, my children sometimes act like 6 year olds.  Silly children :)  But grace is always there for me to ask for and then impart to them.  Grace makes all the difference.

It's so interesting, especially being in a school and hearing so many conversations about child behavior, how often we just don't have grace for the child.  We are so egocentric really in our own adult behavior we forget that a child is really just a child.  How short 6 years on this planet really is...  How tiny those little fingers trying to write on the lines really are...  How even at 29 I struggle with impulse control when I want to talk to my neighbor in the middle of church or staff development, and yet I think my kids have lost their minds when they do this same thing... Silly me... I have grace for myself, but can forget to have grace for the little ones.  Or how often I lose the bill I need or my keys or forget to turn off the curling iron or leave my shoes lying in the middle of the floor.  Simple things an adult should be able to handle, yet I do them all the time.  And yet still forget my own imperfections when staring at a little child's messy desk and missing writing paper.  Or how many times I have gone to my team leader to have her restate directions I should probably remember... Yet wonder why on earth my kiddos ask me to repeat directions 5 times in 5 minutes.

Grace.  It really is reality.  How foolish it is for me to forget how my life and existence is completely and entirely wrapped up in His grace and the grace of others.  How can I not share this grace with the least of these.

I have so much right now that I am thankful for.  My time of peace and rest and pure joy continues with each day I spend on my new campus, with my new admin, with my new team.  I am so thankful for all God is going to teach me this year.  I am so thankful for His purpose in my life.  I am so thankful that life really is 1000 gifts that keep on giving.

The Lord always gives me verses for my school year right before I start.  They don't always make sense initially.  Here is what he has given me this year:

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God's... You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.  ~ 2 Chronicles 20: 15, 17

I'm not sure what that verse will mean this year.  I do know that for all the 1000 joys of my new school, there is a whole lot to learn.  New school culture.  New perspectives.  New personal dynamics.  New ways of viewing the same expectations.  New grade level.  New standards.  I do find great encouragement knowing that God in His Sovereignty placed me in this exact culture with this exact new set of colleagues and this exact set of children.  And more than anything, I know he did it for my good.  And I know that if God is grace, then all these things that seem hard are really just opportunities for His grace to flow in and His grace to flow out.  Each moment is filled with the holy.

That just blows my mind.  The moment of fear- God's there.  He's holy and good.  And because of His presence- that thing that wants to overwhelm me is actually holy and good.  If only I lock eyes on Him and allow Him to lead.  My heart overflows.  Oh friend, taste and see that the Lord is good.

Blessing Pouring Down like Rain

David and all the Israelites were celebrating with all their might before God, with songs and with harps, lyres, and tambourines, cymbals, and trumpets. ~1 Chronicles 13:8

This verse has changed my life.  It's amazing to me how God can speak so intensely to your heart through sometimes the most normal of verses.  But this verse stopped me.  I had so many thoughts.

* What would it look like to celebrate with all my might before God?
* How excited do I really get about what God is doing in the world around me?
* Do I even have my eyes open to pay attention to what he's doing?
* What must David's heart have been like to be this way?

If there is one word to describe how I imagined David, it was joy.  Joy before the Lord.  Joy of the Lord.  Joy because He's in God's Presence.  Pure joy.  I realized how much expectation I have that joy come because I enjoy my job.  Or joy come because Jude is behaving well.  Or joy because Jimmy and I go on a really great date.  Always conditional.  Conditional joy.  Except the only Biblical condition of joy is God's Presence.

Well that's everywhere.  God is in and within everything.  During every circumstance.  Without condition.  Without exception.  So what am I doing wrong that my joy is based on conditions?

So I began to pray a pretty simple prayer- "Fill me with the Joy of the Lord.  May your Presence be my JOY.  May that be the only condition for my Joy.  May I be as excited over You as David was."

God has answered that prayer!

Almost immediately.  I have only prayed that prayer (daily) for I guess the last 2 or 3 weeks, but I have noticed a Huge difference in my perspective, my attitude, and honestly my discernment and perception of daily occurrences.  I literally feel like I am bubbling over.  The proverbial cup?  It runneth over y'all. I am blown away by the goodness of God, His love for me, and how His Presence and Hand are literally on me and my life!  How did I not see that each second dripped of Him before?  "One thing I do know.  I was blind but now I see!" ~ John 9:25.  I see His hand now- everywhere- all the time!

This has changed everything.  Everything.  I am overcome with my blessings.  I am praying as we speak that the Lord will recall them so I can share some with you.  But believe me, they are beyond count.

Today I went to work up in my new classroom.  I was going back and forth loading and unloading my car.  One of the custodian ladies was in the hall cleaning.  I stopped and chatted with her about being new, having taught in Denton, etc.  Her English wasn't very good, but we were able to get the gist of each other so to speak.  I went on with cleaning my room, and was getting hot, so I wanted to find the coke machine.  She was still in the first grade rooms, so I asked her.  She told me it was really expensive (like $2.50) and so I was just like oh bummer and put my money away.  She went and bought me a bottle of water at Walgreens down the street!  I don't even know where to start with this.  She wouldn't let me pay her back.  She's a custodian.  And an immigrant, so it's not like she has extra money.  I was completely humbled by her kindness.  And all from a 5 minute conversation.  She taught me so much today.  You never know how much the 5 minutes you spend with someone will possibly mean a lot to them.  I was completely blessed by her today.  And judging from the way she hollered down the hall "Ms Ashley, Ms Ashley!  Have a good weekend!" I feel like she was blessed by our conversation somehow too.  Only God could use 5 minutes for His glory!

Or how I signed up for this mug swap I mentioned a few days ago.  There were 800 people who signed up.  And we were randomly assigned.  I didn't give any information about Jude or my marriage or relationship life when I filled out the form.  Just gave some style hints like being eclectic, nature lover, stuff like that.  YET GOD had his hand in the girl whose name I got.  He paired me up with a young, single mom.  A young single mom whose going through a really rough time right now.  A rough road that I've already walked down.  Y'all I can't even wrap my MIND around this.  The odds of this are clearly slim.  But God.  But God works all things according to His will.  And His will is that His hurting children know His love.  His uses us, His body, to reach out.  And He literally handed me this opportunity, against all odds (except there are no odds for God) on a silver platter.  I can't do anything when I think about this except worship God with all my might.  I just can't.  JOY.  Pure Joy.

And so many more.  My new school is so many, many blessings.  Such a positive, excited vibe from everyone.  I'm blessed to form new relationships.  I'm amazingly excited about 1st grade.  I just get this feeling that I'm really going to do well here.  I went to some 1st grade math trainings this week, which were so encouraging.  I feel so much more capable of taking on a new grade.  And I'm excited about it!  And while I was there I learned that another school near me hired a new 1st grade teacher also.  This school was closer to me, and I certainly prayed that a door be open there.  But the door didn't open until after I was at Savannah.  For me this was a gift in two major ways.  One: it confirmed for me that 1st grade is really where God can use me best this year.  Kind of like I would have been in 1st no matter what if that makes sense.  It encouraged me in feeling qualified to be a good first grade teacher.  And it also encouraged me that I was at the right campus.  (at this point, I hadn't gotten up to my school to really meet any team members)  It encouraged me because if I was supposed to be there I would have been.  But I know God.  And I know He has a reason I'm where I am.  It just really made me feel assured of my decision.  

And all this was before I met my amazing team members.  Or learned that the first day back, we break into teams to do a CRAZY town wide scavanger hunt.  Think something you would do with Young Life.  Hilarious.  And this year- costumes are required.  Costumes to do things like have 3 team members take a picture next to a corvette.  Or find an Elvis record.  I can't even wait!  

And then there is the daily miracles of seeing this amazing little boy in my life.  And getting to watch how much Jimmy and Jude love each other.  And how they verbalize it.  I don't have words to describe what it does to my heart to watch their relationship develop.  I really don't think Jimmy could love on Jude much more than if he were his.  What a godly man!  But you know God loves us like that- through taking on loving something that was separate from Him.  

There are everyday miracles.  Everywhere.  All around you.  But the thing is, it's God's hand that you are seeing and feeling and experiencing.  He is so good and loving.  And He's there.  And my heart dances in my chest because I can't quite figure out how to contain HIM and the JOY HE IS.

Linking here today

Dear Summer

Dear Summer, (but really to the One who created summer)

I love you.  I love the fresh fruit you bring me.  I love the way it excuses my obsession with fruit dip because at least I'm getting all those yummy antioxidants.  I love making iced tea to drink during your warm days.

I love that thanks to you I have time to sit around eating yummy snacks and making silly faces with this guy.  I love that I have the time to also do things like scrub my bathroom in its entirety.  I love how good it feels to work with my muscles, and not just my brain and emotions.

I love that I can enjoy my house and the spaces I've created- not feel like it is just there for me to flop into exhausted at night.

 I love that I get to listen to this sweet boy's creativity as it flows all. day. long.  I miss so much of his personality the other 3 seasons of the year.  Thank you that you exist to help me 'catch up' on who he is.  Thank you that I get to be the one who gets to put him in his bed for naptime (and even sometimes nap with him.)  Thank you that he shares his thinking with me- like how he arranged his Texas Tech hats on his bed just so, because he loves 'Texas'.

Thank you for the time to stop and sit while Jude shows me his 'cool trick' of running around the benches of the table and hopping over the spaces.  Thank you that there are no rules to you and it's ok if I let him stay in his jammies all day and go to Sonic at 3:00 in the afternoon in his slippers.

Thank you for your heat which makes milkshakes reasonable.  Thank you for the best milkshake partner in the world.  Thanks to him, I never waste my cherries anymore :)

Thank you for the time to go through my closet and get rid of 2 boxes full of stuff that I don't need.  It is so nice to see all the extra space in my house and in my closet.  I promise not to use too many of my free days filling it up with new clothes :)

But more than anything, thank you for the thousands of hugs and I love you's I've gotten from this guy the past 4 days.  Thank you that I was there when he wanted to play a game where he ran all the way from the back door into my arms to give me a hug.  Over and over and over again.  Thank you for the way that while he's playing in the pool sometimes he comes over to tell me he loves me.  Thank you that he is so readily able to express his emotions.  Thank you for the way he looks at me from where he is playing with friends just to wave at me with a huge smile.  Thank you for the incredible ways this child loves others.  1000 gifts and so much grace.

Love, 

Ashley

For all you new readers

Throwback: Jude at 4 mos.  He is my atonement child.

About a month ago, I wrote a post on having had an abortion.  It was one of the single most defining moments of my life, and definitely one of the darkest.  However, through that moment about 6 years ago, I learned more about the reality of grace and forgiveness.  The blog is being featured at The Identify Shift.  If you want to get to know more about me, that post will take you straight to my soul.  And whatever opinions you have on abortion, I promise that it will change your thinking- not in a way to judge the situation from any side, but as a way to understand the hurting and the broken of this world.  I hope you read it.

Also, don't forget to enter that GAP giveaway here!

Coffee Date Vlog- My Mission, My Week

I'm linking up with Rags to Stitches today for Coffee Date.  I'm gonna tell you all about my week and how God rocked my perspective through some sad circumstances which reminded me "all is grace".  I hope you will comment and introduce me to your blog, because I would love love love to get to know YOU better.  Yes, you!  I'm completely in this thing for building relationships and community :)

Also, have you entered the GAP card giveaway?  You should.

My personal dirty secret- Remembering Roe v Wade

If I actually hit send on this one, just know I've completely put myself out there, and please have grace. I suppose everyone has their deep secrets.  This is mine.  In fact I'm so adverse to talk about it, I don't think I've ever shared my testimony (to a group) and included this part.  It's a huge part, but I can't go there.  And even now I am hiding behind my computer screen trying not to imagine the faces of people reading this.

Today is the 40th anniversary of Roe v Wade.  40 years and its still a pretty charged topic.  Christians rarely let up on the pursuit of right to life, and that's good.  But to be honest with you, I often cringe when Christians shout 'murderer murderer' in reference to any girl that's sat in a Planned Parenthood room.  6 years later and those words still sting- and it doesn't take much time in a church to hear them with regularity.

No one ever thinks of the face of the girls there.  Maybe because no one knows their faces.  You have to actually be getting one to even get in.  And so in that sense, I get it.  But the thing is, that waiting room is not full of haughty eyes and rebellious women.  It's full of lonely and scared women who don't realize that Jesus is the one in whom they find their self worth.  I'm sure some women are the 'cold blooded murderers' portrayed by pro life stances.  But it really isn't the majority.

There are a lot of reasons I say this.  For one thing, 80% of college women will experience date rape.  80%  Please wrap your head around that statistic.  Out of 10 girls, 8 of them will experience date rape.  And based on my own personal life experience and people I've talked to, that is an absolutely correct statistic.  Most of these women will never come forward.  In fact I've known between 10-20 personal friends experience this and I know of one who pressed charges.  (the legal system failed her, btw)  Rape is one of the singularly most traumatic things a girl can experience.  There is nothing that will more shatter her self worth than that.  And often, when you find out a girl was raped, the story follows the same pattern. The girl proceeds to allow herself to be used by anyone.  Now if 80% of women in college have experienced this, it stands to reason that a LARGE percentage of college age abortion getting women are there because they were raped.  Does that excuse their action, no.  But do you really have the heart to look at a heart that broken and call her murderer?

Or what about the high schoolers.  The high schoolers I saw were brought there by their parents.  Do they even have a choice?  I can't imagine the fear of going against my parents at 16 to raise a baby they don't want to raise.  And these girls are just kids.  They are just kids.

Or how about the fact that 1 in 4 American girls are victims of sexual abuse.  How do you know how many of those millions of girls getting an abortion aren't suffering the anguish of such a trauma.  If rape shatters a girl in one act, I cannot imagine what a girl who has been repeatedly raped by an adult thinks of herself.  Does that give her the right to have an abortion, again no.  But you have to understand that the women who have entered these clinics are hurting.  They are hurting, yall.

There is a saying which goes "guys use a relationship to get sex.  girls use sex to get a relationship."  And here is my guess where you find the majority of women.  I know that is where I found myself.  It was never like I set out to get there.  But I wasn't a very strong Christian, and certainly not a strong person, and I had on 2 occasions almost been part of the 80% and I just didn't think I was worth much.  I honestly would think things like there was some invisible brand that suggested to all men that I was worthless and he could push me as far as he wanted.  Literally thought that exact thing.  And I didn't want to break up with said guy, because I thought if I just stayed with him it would sort of make up for it.  And maybe one day we would get married (which we did-nightmare) and then it would alleviate my own sin and I would actually be ok.  But in between my giving in and marriage, I did end up in that clinic.  And I hated every second of it.  I never once thought it was ok.  But I had so much pressure from him to go through with it.  And I knew that if I didn't that would be the end.  And I couldn't wrap my mind around it ending, because then I would really just be a sinner.  I so desperately wanted to make our relationship work because I was so fixated with fixing my sexual worthlessness.  And I did it.

And for the next several years it tore me up.  There were very few years where anniversaries and due dates didn't flash across my mind.  To this day, I don't think a week that goes by I don't think of it.  I don't think a month goes by where I don't wonder what will it be like to see that child when I go to heaven?  Will they hate me?  I call Jude my atonement child because from the day I entered that clinic I never felt I deserved motherhood.  What kind of mom does that?  I actually struggled a lot when I first started teaching because what kind of teacher does that?

When I found out about Jude, I was both relieved and afraid.  I was terrified of a miscarriage as God's way of punishing me.  Throughout my pregnancy, God began the process of showing me he really did love me.  And he didn't save me and expect perfection.  And that there was grace grace grace.  I picked the name Jude because I love the Beatles song.  And the idea of taking a sad song and making it better is really the story of my life.  But I also loved that it means 'praised'.  My heart has praised God everyday for my atonement child.  The one who showed me that God's grace was inexhaustible.  Unfathomable.  Covered it all.  He has used Jude to save me from a sense of worthlessness, from a bad marriage, from giving in to the depression and anxiety from my marriage failing, and 1000 other ways.

I share this from the darkest corner of my soul.  And I don't want to even think about what this will mean in relationships with people.  I guess I can't imagine grace from others very well.  But it occurred to me that this isn't my story.  It's God's story.  He's sovereign over it all.  And far be it from me to hold back.

If you remember anything from this story, remember that the girls who walk into those clinics are hurting.  At least most of them.  They were hurting before they ever got pregnant probably.  And before you cast the first stone, try to understand that there's a pain in their souls and an emptiness that only Love can fill.  Yes, support your politicians and make your voice heard.  But don't forget that there are faces behind policies.  Speak up for the babies, by all means.  But remember that there are plenty of girls reading your posts that have an ache in their heart that they will live with forever.  Speak love to those girls.  Take time to ask them what brought them to that place.  It will probably break your heart, but it's the broken hearts that are the easiest to lead back home, back to the God who loves them.

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death ~ Romans 8:1

I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest ~ John 4:35