April reflections

Right now I feel completely captivated by Spring!  The weather is beautiful.  Today as I drove Jude to school and then went to pick something up from my sister's I was completely taken in by the beauty of the overcast skies contrasting with all the greenery.  Jimmy and I have set up our garden's for the year.  We have some basic flowers, I got a beautiful delphinium, and he got copious amounts of tomatoes.  I've set up birdfeeders and shamelessly downloaded a bird identification app.  I love how spring just feels like coming alive.  I hope to fully embrace life this season. 

I've been reflecting over the last couple months based off a book I read.  I love the way these questions make me dig a little deeper into my soul.  I'm actually reading her other book right now called "Cold Tangerines" and the topic is celebrating.  Perfect for this season.

Am I thankful for my life and the way I'm living it?
I am so thankful daily for Jimmy and Jude.  They are wonderful gifts.  As we all worked outside last weekend, I was so thankful for the simplistic beauty that is our life.  Hard work, dirt all over our toes and fingers, slightly sun kissed cheeks.  It could not have been more perfect.  However, I feel like I am so easily distracted by lists and the need to accomplish something.  I have a definite penchant for negativity.  I know that my life is lovely, but sometimes it feels like I see that from the a distance.  Like I always watch my life on a movie screen- seeing all the parts but not really a part of the story.  I would give anything to be able to not be like that.  1000 gifts made the biggest difference in my life with that.  But it still isn't a habit.  I really really want to be more positive and embrace the moment more- with joy.

What have I tried this month?
This month I tried crab at Cantler's Riverside Inn, which I actually saw listed in a copy of Coastal Living as one of the 3 best places for seafood in Maryland.  So I consider that a win!  I still probably ate more shrimp than crab, however.  That being due entirely to the fact that I am lazy.  I saw my first (and probably only) wedding at the Naval Academy.  Which was pretty much the most romantic wedding ever.  I love the quaint yet classy persona of the East Coast.  Wandering around Annapolis with all the houses that have been there forever, the sailboats in the water, people walking their dogs just speaks to my heart in every way.  Jude and I went on a run through Annapolis- my first run in a downtown city of any kind.  Of course, it was more play racing and sprints, but it was fun. 

What am I doing to get out of my routine?
Last week we focused on gardening.  I'm the best about gardening in the spring.  I would keep up with it more in the summer, and I do really try.  It's just so hot here in NTX...  And in a blistering, torturous way.  I miss coastal heat...
Also completely out of my routine... My brother of course got married.  And during the reception, I got my dance on with my favorite people- my family.  I don't dance very often, mainly because it usually would have to involve creepy people and creepy bars.  And Jimmy isn't a big dancer.  But I actually love dancing and being silly, and my brother and sister are probably my favorite people to do that with.  Can someone invent a bar that plays 90s music, and you have to intimately involved with another person to enter?  You know a bar for married people who just want to pretend they are 18 again.  But don't want a stranger touching them in any way...  Because I would go.  Often.

And this weekend, we are cooking Easter brunch this weekend, which isn't going to be a big deal by any means.  But 1- it will involve mimosas which immediately makes all things right with the world and 2- we never just get to have brunch.  I love reasons to celebrate, and I'm glad we get to.
Next weekend I am going to a gathering with some ladies, only one of which I know, but she's fabulous.  Just to talk about Christ and Life and whatever else.  And the only requirement is to bring our favorite bottle of wine.  My friend throwing this is one of the loveliest people whom I haven't seen since my wedding.  I'm so excited to focus on the good Christ is doing!

What have I learned about God this month?
I've been learning that God wants me to laugh, to be joyful.  I'm remembering that God is a God of celebration.  I mean what is Easter but a celebration.  There is so much death and darkness around us.  But that's just the middle of the story.  The end is beautiful and joyful and should make you dance in celebration.  The crosses of our lives will always bring us to a point of surrender, they will always hurt, they will always break us.  It's so easy to forget that the cross is temporary, but victory is eternal.  This year, I bore my cross.  But the rising is coming, indeed is already here in some ways.  Hallelujah for the cross, for the resurrection.  Hallelujah because He has blessed me with a godly, loving man.  Hallelujah because he has blessed me with birds that sing.  Hallelujah because he has blessed me with an engaging and kind little boy.  Hallelujah for baking and clean kitchens and pretty towels.  The Resurrection happens every day because God is actively redeeming everyday.  I want my Spirit to notice Him. 

And of course, we have a lot to celebrate this month, because my brother married someone lovely.

What brokenness is holding me back?
I continue to struggle with the pursuit of perfection robbing me of joy.  My to do lists rob me of joy.  This isn't a new struggle by any means, but it is currently showing its ugly face.  I hate it because it robs me of joy, but also relationships.  It puts a barrier between me and the people I love the most.  I realize that everyone has their thing they struggle with.  But I sure do hate mine.  So I am seeking to love Jesus more.  To fill my mind with Jesus so that He spills out of my heart more.  I need to use my oils more and pray more as I use them.  These were the kinds of things that eventually led to panic attacks and medication.  So I need to use the physical (oils) and spiritual (prayer, speaking truth over myself) tools and weapons to fight for joy. 

What do I want less of?
Less striving, more rest.  That's the theme of my year and my life right now.  I want less of working beyond my limits.  Less defining myself by how clean my house is.  Less taking for granted the beautiful moments I have to pour into Jude's life.  Less sarcastic, impatient speech on my part.

What do I want more of?
Jude and Jimmy.  I want to savor them.  I want to invest in them.  I want to build them up and encourage them.  I want to bless their lives and I want their days to be better because I was in it.  I'm so hopeful for our next phase of life with me working less.  I hope I will have the energy to invest in them like this.  I want more of a gentle and quiet spirit.  More words that are weighed carefully.  More joy, more peace.  Basically, more Jesus.

On Opening Up

I used to be the kind of girl who tried to be tough and strong.  I listened to punk rock.  I marched to my own drum.  I probably didn't need your help.  Or at least I tried to make you think that.  I had some pretty high walls up.  I knew how to keep people out.  And if I didn't, there was always sarcasm.

I was reading tonight (still Bittersweet- which I love!) and reflecting on a chapter about how she says this referring to a dark period in her life "I see the moments of heartbreak that led to honesty about myself I wouldn't have been able to get to any other way".  I love that. 

It made me think of all the times I have cried- very openly- this school year.  When people ask me how my day is, no matter how casually, there is a 75% chance I will tear up right then.  Some have even been concerned for me regarding this.

But maybe the tears are a good thing. 

Maybe the tears are bringing about a beautiful, God ordained, perfectly planned change in me.  A change where I too am being led to honesty with myself I wouldn't have gotten any other way.  That makes me smile.  Yes- I am crying a lot.  But how beautiful is it that I'm not holding it in.  I've been the kind of person who's done that- held everything in.  It's been a huge struggle for me to open up to others, and anyone who has tried to get to know me can attest to that.  I'm excited for myself for being honest with my team, my community group, the world, whoever will listen.  I'm not saying I shouldn't keep training myself to look for the good- I should- God's gifts are everywhere.  But for the first time in my life, I'm not just saying it's all ok.

So here I am just openly saying thank you to anyone who has seen me cry and not turned me away.  Thank you for allowing me to be honest, to be myself, to open myself up completely raw and wounded.  Thank you for walking through this time with me where I've learned some difficult, beautiful lessons.  Lessons in being honest.  Thank you that I haven't had to feel like I needed to hide behind the wall.  Thank you that you have allowed me to be weak and broken in your presence.  For me, this is a great thing.  And I think the Lord for all of you.

And as always, thank you to my Lord and Savior for allowing me to be broken.  Broken so deeply in every way that I can't hold myself together, that I can't put my best face forward, that I can't fake it until I make it.  Thank you for forcing me to learn that honesty is good and being real with people is ok.  Maybe even lovely.

I'm a girl who thought she could handle a lot.  And now knows she cannot.  But I think I love that.  Because for the rest of my life, I will walk humbly and allow myself to open up easily.  I will cry with anyone and understand your pain.  I can pray with you in a way maybe I never could before.

My name is Ashley, and I'm pretty broken.  But I'm ok with that.

Thanksgiving Week

Thanksgiving week in pictures:

 Jude and I had some pictures taken for our Christmas cards.  I gave up on having Jimmy take them for me in a cute local.  It has been the rainiest fall here on the weekends.

 We had two Thanksgivings.  On Thanksgiving Day, Jude and I went with Jimmy to his great aunts house.  His grandparents always come up to Ft. Worth for the holidays, so it was nice to get to see them.  This was the first time they had met Jude :)

 We also did a Thanksgiving dinner yesterday (Saturday) with my family.  My {pregnant} sister was very adamant that she needed specific sides and dishes my mom has always made this holiday.  We all worked together to comply.  It was kind of fun though because my sister and I planned a lot of it, and my mom worked with us.  I don't think all 3 of us have ever done Thanksgiving together, so it was fun to think about.  You know those moments where you are like- oh I'm an adult- it was like that.  

Jimmy was actually in charge of the turkey though.  My neighbor recently gave me his old grill which is half propane/ half charcoal smoker.  Jimmy really wanted to try smoking the turkey, and I was more than willing to allow him that priviledge.  He did an amazing job- even waking up at 4:30 to start smoking it.  It had an amazing mequite smoked flavor.  Heavens to Betsy...  And now Jimmy is going to be taking up a smoking habit.  And I am all 'ohmygoshbrisket!!!!'

 In true Rinehart fashion, we ended the day by playing a game of 5 Crowns and Catch Phrase.  Jude hadn't napped all day.  We looked over from our games and saw that he had fallen asleep in the middle of Spiderman.  Such a sweet kid.  He never once complained or cried.

He ended up just taking the perfect cat nap- short enough to allow him to go to sleep easily tonight, and long enough to allow him to regain some energy.  We spent the evening celebrating my dad's birthday and just enjoying our time together.  It was perfect :)

The Spiritual Discipline of Thanks

If you know me well enough to be my facebook friend, you know this about me: I count my blessings every day.  They are numbered and listed in my status update every morning.  This has earned me a reputation as having a thankful heart.  But that's only partly true.

In June of 2012, I read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Next to the Bible, I would say that book has done more to change my life than any other.  It felt like she wrote that straight to my heart.  She talks about her struggle to understand God's grace and how He really is good.  She talks about her struggles with fear and anxiety, to the point of involving cutting and panic attacks and medicine.  My heart rejoiced as I read her struggles because I realized I wasn't the only one.  

At the time I read this book, I had had a daily intake of xanax for about 6 months.  In January of 2012, all the pressure and fear that came out of my marriage and divorce and carrying the entire world collided into days of sheer panic and sleeplessness.  I knew exactly how she felt because I was in the midst of that storm myself.  And so, I took every word she said to heart.  I drank in the ways counting gifts changed her life and prayed fervently that it would do the same to mine.  I don't even think I had finished reading the book before I bought a notebook and began to write gifts as I saw them.

1.  My toddler singing chips and salsa songs at breakfast

2.  Surprise opportunity to go to Toddler Art at the DMA

3.  A child's thank you

4.  Jude asking a baby if he was ok.

5.  Covered porches

           

These pictures are of us at toddler art.

I actually very clearly remember this day.  Jude and I had the best time together at that toddler art class. It was probably one of the first truly happy days I had had in a long time.  Over the last 18 months, I have continued to count my gifts.  Sometimes diligently, sometimes the list has fallen to the wayside.  Although whether or not I wrote them down, I noticed a direct shift in my thinking once I started that list.  Little things I wouldn't have noticed before began to take on significance.  I remember driving back from my sisters and noticing the way sunlight reflected in rainbows off of the speed limit sign and being joyful.  How many gifts and opportunities for thankfulness had I missed in my previous 28 years by not opening my eyes?

Fast forward to now and I'm still counting.  As of this moment, my last gift was #1339- Rising before the sun in my dark, quiet house to read my Bible.  Earlier this school year (August probably) I started posting the new bits of the list each day on facebook.  I have had numerous people tell me that it encourages them to read all that I am thankful for.  I'm thankful for that :)  I hope that it helps other people see the little things they have to be thankful for on a daily basis.  I hope that it reminds them that God is good and His grace is everywhere.

But I will tell you what that list does not mean.  It does not mean I am wonderously happy all the time.  I am not constantly skipping and singing through life.  Compared to 18 months ago- I am enormously more joyful, definitely.  It has changed my attitude in every way possible.  I see God in more and I stop to pray more.  It gets easier and easier every day to find the good.  When I first started this, it was hard.  I remember sitting in my classroom last year literally straining to find something I could be thankful for. I would eventually find something, but it wasn't easy.

I've since learned it isn't supposed to be.  Giving thanks has a reputation for being this magical Christian attitude that just bubbles forth because Christ is in you.  I think that perspective might be a lie.  Giving thanks is a discipline.  Like any exercise regiment, it is extremely difficult at first.  Giving thanks is much like training to run a marathon (not that I have ever done that).  You can only find a few things to be thankful for at first.  Or you are too easily distracted to remember to give thanks.  Some days you want to be anything but thankful.  But you choose to count gifts anyway.  Some days you heart is not really in it.  But you choose to count gifts and pray He change your heart.  

He does.  There has been a huge, huge attitude shift in me since I started counting gifts.  I notice how much more I smile.  I notice how evenly keeled I stay compared to before.  I notice how hurtful things don't control my mind anymore.  I truly do have more joy than I had before.  It's not perfect.  There are lots of days when I am still straining to count the gifts.  But it's nowhere near the strain of first beginning to count.

So to encourage you, it is possible to have a thankful heart.  It is possible to see God's grace in all things and give thanks in all circumstances.  But to do that is a spiritual discipline.  It doesn't come easy.  It requires you pressing through the tough days with thanks when you really want to complain.  It requires you letting go of the things that aren't what you wanted and thanking God because you know He's at work in this somehow.  

I pray that all people may continue to count their gifts far past Thanksgiving.  Not only does it change your life, it's really commanded in scripture.  The high road is never the easy road.  But I promise it is so worth it.

on how All {really} is Grace

So much on my heart- and where on earth do I begin.  For starters, I recently wrote this post which has been read over 600x.  My blog is very much a small blog read by some of my friends and family.  I might get 100 people to read a post after a few weeks.  Yet, both times I have publicly come out about my personal experience with abortion, the stories get read and read and shared and shared.  My original post has been shared on about 5 different blogs- some personal life blogs and some Christian/theology blogs.  It's pretty mind blowing to think about how the internet can allow a story to spread.  It's even more mind blowing to think that the one thing I would never admit- less than a year ago mind you- is the thing I'm realizing God can most use from me.

Someone left this comment on my ig regarding the post "Sin stays hidden, but God brings redemption for that which is brought to light".

For the past year and some months, I have been trying to live out '1000 gifts' and counting all the ways Grace covers everything around me.  Maybe it was the unfolding of recognizing Grace that made me feel brave enough to say yes I had an abortion in the first place.  I don't know.  I know Grace has changed everything.  Grace is so much deeper than I originally thought.  We all know that it's God's Grace that saves us.  And yet, His Grace goes so much farther than just that one act.  It is constantly taking my shame and transforming it, redeeming it from something hideous to something beautiful.  I would never have imagined that that could be true of abortion, but it is.

Sin led me into premarital sex, an abortion, a bad marriage driven by guilt, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, emotional trauma, anxiety, and eventually divorce, single parenthood, fear....

Grace took all of those things and produced Jude, my atonement child.  Taught me about love.  Gave me the courage to leave my marriage.  Helped me heal and see that abuse wasn't what I deserved.  Grace gave me the most Christlike servant- boyfriend.  Grace constantly speaks through Jimmy as I learn what it's like to be forgiven, to be served, to be loved, to be held accountable with kindness, to be encouraged.  Sometimes it just truly blows my mind to look at my life from 2007 and my life now in 2013.  There is so little the same about the person I was then and now- much less what my life was made up of then and now.  I'm beyond blessed.

And for what?  I certainly don't deserve it.  I've done it all wrong the first time around.  But oh the deep deep love of Jesus.  He takes all I've done and turns it around to bless me.  And yet also for his glory.  Because it really isn't about me.  These 1000+ gifts aren't because of me at all.  They are about Him.  The ugly becomes the beautiful because His Story is best told through the brokenness and redemption of my story.

Why can my abortion story be read at least 3000 times during this past year?  Because God's Glory shines best through my cracks.  It's an amazing thing.  I'm (in some ways) thankful for all my bad decisions, for all my pain, for all my shame, for all the nights I just wanted to die really.  I'm thankful because I see how God had carried me through all of those darkest moments.  I'm thankful because there is no greater thrill than knowing that God can use me and my story somehow.  I'm thankful because I know God can use a story like mine for greater good in the pro life vs pro choice debate far better than He could had I never made that decision.  I'm not sure what the correct word here is.  I certainly regret my original decision.  Yet, I can see how God sovereignly allowed it so that I could bring His Story out in the open.  1000 gifts.  Maybe not the most beautifully wrapped gifts.  Certainly full of ugly.  But praise God- He transforms the ugly into beautiful every day.

"But Joseph said to then, 'Don't be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." 

~ Genesis 50:19-20 

(my most favorite voice about God's sovereignty)

My Calling, right now

Today I read this blog which I loved.  Throughout the years I've followed and unfollowed (and followed again sometimes) a variety of blogs.  At my core, I am an avid reader.  I will waste most of my precious hours reading thoughts, thinking about those thoughts, and pondering changing my own thoughts in response.  This blog is the kind that can make me do just that.

Lately, I just haven't been blogging.  And if you were to keep track of all the blogs I used to read vs the ones I read now, you would know a precious few blogs are still around on my blog feed.  It's not that I didn't love those other blogs, it's just there is so much to the whole blogging community thing that I just don't think is part of my assignment right now.  For awhile, I thought maybe it could be.  Who doesn't like the idea of lots of people reading what they write?  I'd love to be able to write and write all the time.  But it just doesn't seem to fit into my assignment right now.

I could probably spend an entire blog post on all the things I can't do right now, but where's the fun in that.  Instead, there are so many things that I can do where I am right now.

So here is a list of the simple things I'm called to do right now:

1- I am called to Shepherd.  I read this week in Ezekiel about God's role as the Shepherd in Israel's life, and I immediately thought of all teachers (and moms).  It was so beautiful.  v15-16: I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.  I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak... I will shepherd the flock with justice.  I just love that.  The environment I am called to create is one of peace and welcoming and home and belonging and healing and strengthening and freedom and justice.  That's not an easy job when you are dealing with 'sheep' who throw temper tantrums or talk back or try to see what they can get away with.  Sheep who are forgetful and tired and distracted.  It's certainly never ending.  Yet, God's chasing after my own heart is similarly never ending.  I just impulsively responding to Jude's disruption of my typing with frustration.  And God had to remind me of what I was in the middle of typing.  And remind me to actually do it.  It's not easy for me in all my selfish humanity.  But I do know this is my assignment.

2- I am called to wait and be patient.  Jimmy and I have this amazing relationship.  I am beyond blessed with his presence.  He is just someone I plain love to be around.  He stretches me- to be a little calmer, a little more patient, a little more understanding (I have very OCD like tendencies about my kitchen).  He models for me what service looks like when it's truly lived out.  I am assigned to learn from him and follow him.  Yet, we are still within dating boundaries.  So sometimes I have to learn to be content where I am.

3- I am called to encourage.  This is something that I am really starting to see as the how God can use me right now sort of thing.  I don't have time to serve in my church.  I barely have time to get to church each week.  I'm not the kind of person who does well juggling lots of things.  I need downtime- not because I'm selfish or lazy.  I honestly am just a truly introverted, highly sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed.  It really limits what I can do.  What I am realizing is that through the discipline of 1000 gifts, God has helped me become gifted at seeing the good.  I can share that perspective with teachers, parents, friends, etc.  That really is a needed service in this world.  So many people are weighed down by so many things.  Encouragement in a 'dirty laundry news society' is truly needed.  And I can do that.  I love doing it!  I could spend all day encouraging others.  That's an assignment I feel enabled (by Him) and called to do.  And I just really love it!  Christ has filled me greatly the last year plus.  He only fills what He expects to flow over and on to others.  There is so much joy in encouraging others!

4- I am called to trust.  For those of you that have followed my life awhile, you know that anxiety has been my constant companion.  I think I have always had undercurrents of anxiety all my life.  I am one of those highly sensitive people.  I am a true melancholic introvert (as in the personality type) and stress easily over my own perceived imperfections.  After Michael and divorce, those things just hit the fan, and anxiety turned to full fledged panic.  Right now, I am in the middle of weaning myself off medication, which was very much my saving grace.  I'm nervous that it won't work.  Nervous that I will end up back on them.  Nervous I'm perpetually flawed.  But I know perfect love drives out fear.  I know God is good.  I know even in His presence, the bad is used for good.  With that knowledge I am called to trust.  I choose to believe that God has the power to heal me from never needing medication again.  If he does that it will be for His glory alone.  I choose to believe that if he doesn't He has a reason for my continued struggle with anxiety.  I know He loves me.  And love like His covers it all.

My assignment is pretty simple.  Yet it is also very full.  It isn't the kind of assignment that will make me known in popular circles.  That's ok.  I know that this is where I am, this is where I am called to be. I can't do it all, but I can be faithful with what I am called to do.  In the parable of the talents, some were entrusted with many talents, some a few.  Yet, all those who were faithful with their talents were told 'well done' at the end.  I may have just been entrusted with simple talents, but whether my talents are big and mighty or small and mundane, the point has always been to be faithful with them.  And that, I can do :)

Reflections on Grace

I'm sitting here listening to rain softly fall on my window panes, and I'm once again reminded of the good and beauty around me.  I don't have time in real life to sit around and post incessant pictures and blog posts like I want to.  Or I choose not to.  Life has become this amazing, beautiful thing lately.  I am enjoying savoring every moment, drinking it in full.  Who am I these days?

Grace has transformed me from a doer to an acceptor.  I don't feel the need to cross off every single thing on my to do list like I once did.  I feel satisfied that at the end of the day, I have done a job that (albeit imperfectly) was done with my heart focused on Christ and His glory.  I'm content.

Grace has transformed me from rigid to fluid.  I have never really been one to go with the flow in many senses.  I am not one for conflict, but my own personal agenda being messed with used to send me into a tizzy.  And now I just find myself stopping and saying "ok God this is the situation.  You brought this change for a reason.  I don't know why, but help me walk through it."  And those major problems become even smaller than annoyances.

This week I noticed a change in my students- just more off task that normal.  But I reflected and prayed and pondered.  And realized maybe I needed to restep up my number of positive interactions to the same level as the first few weeks of school.  It's an attitude and focus shift that has 100% to do with me- not with my kids.  And when I went to school the next day, I was able to completely return to the blissful joy of teaching with my students.

The past 2 days have been just fantastic.  I feel beyond blessed.  Yes, my children sometimes act like 6 year olds.  Silly children :)  But grace is always there for me to ask for and then impart to them.  Grace makes all the difference.

It's so interesting, especially being in a school and hearing so many conversations about child behavior, how often we just don't have grace for the child.  We are so egocentric really in our own adult behavior we forget that a child is really just a child.  How short 6 years on this planet really is...  How tiny those little fingers trying to write on the lines really are...  How even at 29 I struggle with impulse control when I want to talk to my neighbor in the middle of church or staff development, and yet I think my kids have lost their minds when they do this same thing... Silly me... I have grace for myself, but can forget to have grace for the little ones.  Or how often I lose the bill I need or my keys or forget to turn off the curling iron or leave my shoes lying in the middle of the floor.  Simple things an adult should be able to handle, yet I do them all the time.  And yet still forget my own imperfections when staring at a little child's messy desk and missing writing paper.  Or how many times I have gone to my team leader to have her restate directions I should probably remember... Yet wonder why on earth my kiddos ask me to repeat directions 5 times in 5 minutes.

Grace.  It really is reality.  How foolish it is for me to forget how my life and existence is completely and entirely wrapped up in His grace and the grace of others.  How can I not share this grace with the least of these.

I have so much right now that I am thankful for.  My time of peace and rest and pure joy continues with each day I spend on my new campus, with my new admin, with my new team.  I am so thankful for all God is going to teach me this year.  I am so thankful for His purpose in my life.  I am so thankful that life really is 1000 gifts that keep on giving.

The Lord always gives me verses for my school year right before I start.  They don't always make sense initially.  Here is what he has given me this year:

Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God's... You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.  ~ 2 Chronicles 20: 15, 17

I'm not sure what that verse will mean this year.  I do know that for all the 1000 joys of my new school, there is a whole lot to learn.  New school culture.  New perspectives.  New personal dynamics.  New ways of viewing the same expectations.  New grade level.  New standards.  I do find great encouragement knowing that God in His Sovereignty placed me in this exact culture with this exact new set of colleagues and this exact set of children.  And more than anything, I know he did it for my good.  And I know that if God is grace, then all these things that seem hard are really just opportunities for His grace to flow in and His grace to flow out.  Each moment is filled with the holy.

That just blows my mind.  The moment of fear- God's there.  He's holy and good.  And because of His presence- that thing that wants to overwhelm me is actually holy and good.  If only I lock eyes on Him and allow Him to lead.  My heart overflows.  Oh friend, taste and see that the Lord is good.

Blessing Pouring Down like Rain

David and all the Israelites were celebrating with all their might before God, with songs and with harps, lyres, and tambourines, cymbals, and trumpets. ~1 Chronicles 13:8

This verse has changed my life.  It's amazing to me how God can speak so intensely to your heart through sometimes the most normal of verses.  But this verse stopped me.  I had so many thoughts.

* What would it look like to celebrate with all my might before God?
* How excited do I really get about what God is doing in the world around me?
* Do I even have my eyes open to pay attention to what he's doing?
* What must David's heart have been like to be this way?

If there is one word to describe how I imagined David, it was joy.  Joy before the Lord.  Joy of the Lord.  Joy because He's in God's Presence.  Pure joy.  I realized how much expectation I have that joy come because I enjoy my job.  Or joy come because Jude is behaving well.  Or joy because Jimmy and I go on a really great date.  Always conditional.  Conditional joy.  Except the only Biblical condition of joy is God's Presence.

Well that's everywhere.  God is in and within everything.  During every circumstance.  Without condition.  Without exception.  So what am I doing wrong that my joy is based on conditions?

So I began to pray a pretty simple prayer- "Fill me with the Joy of the Lord.  May your Presence be my JOY.  May that be the only condition for my Joy.  May I be as excited over You as David was."

God has answered that prayer!

Almost immediately.  I have only prayed that prayer (daily) for I guess the last 2 or 3 weeks, but I have noticed a Huge difference in my perspective, my attitude, and honestly my discernment and perception of daily occurrences.  I literally feel like I am bubbling over.  The proverbial cup?  It runneth over y'all. I am blown away by the goodness of God, His love for me, and how His Presence and Hand are literally on me and my life!  How did I not see that each second dripped of Him before?  "One thing I do know.  I was blind but now I see!" ~ John 9:25.  I see His hand now- everywhere- all the time!

This has changed everything.  Everything.  I am overcome with my blessings.  I am praying as we speak that the Lord will recall them so I can share some with you.  But believe me, they are beyond count.

Today I went to work up in my new classroom.  I was going back and forth loading and unloading my car.  One of the custodian ladies was in the hall cleaning.  I stopped and chatted with her about being new, having taught in Denton, etc.  Her English wasn't very good, but we were able to get the gist of each other so to speak.  I went on with cleaning my room, and was getting hot, so I wanted to find the coke machine.  She was still in the first grade rooms, so I asked her.  She told me it was really expensive (like $2.50) and so I was just like oh bummer and put my money away.  She went and bought me a bottle of water at Walgreens down the street!  I don't even know where to start with this.  She wouldn't let me pay her back.  She's a custodian.  And an immigrant, so it's not like she has extra money.  I was completely humbled by her kindness.  And all from a 5 minute conversation.  She taught me so much today.  You never know how much the 5 minutes you spend with someone will possibly mean a lot to them.  I was completely blessed by her today.  And judging from the way she hollered down the hall "Ms Ashley, Ms Ashley!  Have a good weekend!" I feel like she was blessed by our conversation somehow too.  Only God could use 5 minutes for His glory!

Or how I signed up for this mug swap I mentioned a few days ago.  There were 800 people who signed up.  And we were randomly assigned.  I didn't give any information about Jude or my marriage or relationship life when I filled out the form.  Just gave some style hints like being eclectic, nature lover, stuff like that.  YET GOD had his hand in the girl whose name I got.  He paired me up with a young, single mom.  A young single mom whose going through a really rough time right now.  A rough road that I've already walked down.  Y'all I can't even wrap my MIND around this.  The odds of this are clearly slim.  But God.  But God works all things according to His will.  And His will is that His hurting children know His love.  His uses us, His body, to reach out.  And He literally handed me this opportunity, against all odds (except there are no odds for God) on a silver platter.  I can't do anything when I think about this except worship God with all my might.  I just can't.  JOY.  Pure Joy.

And so many more.  My new school is so many, many blessings.  Such a positive, excited vibe from everyone.  I'm blessed to form new relationships.  I'm amazingly excited about 1st grade.  I just get this feeling that I'm really going to do well here.  I went to some 1st grade math trainings this week, which were so encouraging.  I feel so much more capable of taking on a new grade.  And I'm excited about it!  And while I was there I learned that another school near me hired a new 1st grade teacher also.  This school was closer to me, and I certainly prayed that a door be open there.  But the door didn't open until after I was at Savannah.  For me this was a gift in two major ways.  One: it confirmed for me that 1st grade is really where God can use me best this year.  Kind of like I would have been in 1st no matter what if that makes sense.  It encouraged me in feeling qualified to be a good first grade teacher.  And it also encouraged me that I was at the right campus.  (at this point, I hadn't gotten up to my school to really meet any team members)  It encouraged me because if I was supposed to be there I would have been.  But I know God.  And I know He has a reason I'm where I am.  It just really made me feel assured of my decision.  

And all this was before I met my amazing team members.  Or learned that the first day back, we break into teams to do a CRAZY town wide scavanger hunt.  Think something you would do with Young Life.  Hilarious.  And this year- costumes are required.  Costumes to do things like have 3 team members take a picture next to a corvette.  Or find an Elvis record.  I can't even wait!  

And then there is the daily miracles of seeing this amazing little boy in my life.  And getting to watch how much Jimmy and Jude love each other.  And how they verbalize it.  I don't have words to describe what it does to my heart to watch their relationship develop.  I really don't think Jimmy could love on Jude much more than if he were his.  What a godly man!  But you know God loves us like that- through taking on loving something that was separate from Him.  

There are everyday miracles.  Everywhere.  All around you.  But the thing is, it's God's hand that you are seeing and feeling and experiencing.  He is so good and loving.  And He's there.  And my heart dances in my chest because I can't quite figure out how to contain HIM and the JOY HE IS.

Linking here today

Naptime Diaries and Saving My Sanity

Jude is currently in an awkward nap phase.  Technically speaking, he doesn't particularly need to nap.  Because Jude was graciously given with a 100% positive attitude, I kid you not, he does not have temper tantrums.  I'm serious.  He's probably had 5 in his entire life, atleast since turning 2.  So naps are not needed to 'check' his attitude.

Part of that is because I have my college degree arsenal of child guidance knowledge I guess.  More of it has to do with 6 years of dealing with insane emotional issues in title 1 schools.  Most of it has to do with my limited tolerance for crap.  But honestly, I really believe God was gracious with me.  I truly believe that He knew that my entire world was going to fall apart upon Jude being born and He gifted me with the easiest child known to man in order to allow me to work out my emotional issues after heartbreak.

That being said:  My child be wild.  His attitude may be awesome.  But his energy level is non stop through the roof from 7:30 to 8:30, with no nap.  I have heard people say oh my child is active.  And then I meet said child.  Jude always blows them out of the water with his energy level.  Jude has been noticeably active since he was at least 6 mos.  Just has crazy amounts of energy.  So while I am blessed in many ways, sometimes I feel like I make up for it because his noise level and activity level plum wear me out.

Enter my nap time conundrum.  Technically Jude doesn't 'need' a nap per se.  And when he takes a nap, left to his own, he will sleep about 3 hours!  And then of course he won't fall asleep until around 10:30.  Thankfully, because he is literally the most obedient child, he will just sit on his bed and sing/talk/read/play with his animals.  He may test the waters once and try to sneak out, but that's about it.  But regardless, he stays up late because he just isn't tired due to his nap.

I have been trying to give him his nap, but then going in and waking him up after about 1.5 to 2 hours.  That's been working decently well.  He doesn't fall asleep right away, but he is at least asleep by 9 or 9:30.  Which is about as ideal as I can get all things considered.  Hopefully, he can keep up the controlled naps with his sitter as I go back to school.  That combined with waking up and getting out the door early again should make it possible for him to go to sleep at night easily.

Here's the thing though.  I can't handle him NOT napping.  I need 'my' time.  Whether it is to catch up on 'Bachelorette' which I am shamelessly addicted to- even though this season is blah.  Or to clean or work on a project or read.  I am just not built to handle his energy level the entire day without a break.  The days I let him skip his nap, I am always so irritable starting around 3:00.  I would give anything for some peace and quiet.  And it's not his fault, but he can't calm himself down.  And I get snappy.  I hate thinking that my attitude would cause him to feel 'annoying' which he has to sense that.  And how sad!  Whereas if he naps, even for a little bit, it seems to calm his body down.  Maybe it's good for his body to have those calm hours as well.  Or maybe it's just that I get the couple hours of peace my brain needs to be refreshed and ready to keep up with him again.  Because on those days his enthusiasm mostly warms my heart and I respond with love.

Regardless, it's always tricky as your baby drops naps.  And then again as your baby becomes a toddler and does the drop down to one nap.  I suppose it only makes sense that determining when your child no longer needs a nap is equally as tricky.  But for now, for the sake of a peaceful and loving mother/son relationship, I think we are going to keep nap/quiet time in place for just a wee bit longer.

I Wanna Be Like Pops

Last week, Jude and I spent several days with my parents.  We try to go there for a bit at least once a summer.  This year, Jude has gone twice.  It's one of my favorite places.  Not because there is anything particularly special, but because my parents are some of the most unrushed people I know.  Things just always feel so calm and easy there, which I miss in my 'real life'.  Sometimes I think that's really what home is about- this place that seems to make time stand still.  I didn't grow up there, but having my parents there makes it home.

 We spent the days doing not a whole lot more than hanging out by the pool, reading, and cooking dinner.  90% of the time is spent outside.  We eat lunch and dinner outside.  Jude and my mom were always outside when I got up in the morning.  (Cheers to sleeping in btw- thanks mom!)  It's just so pleasant.

My mom is a huge fan of having fruit in the house.  This picture just says it all- laying around outside with fruit.  Just exactly what summer is supposed to look like and taste like.

One thing that Jude has started lately, is differentiating gender.  He loves to point out that I probably like the girl Bubble Guppies the best, but he loves the boys.  Things like that.  Things that show he is identifying with gender differences.

This is pretty normal for this age- at least as far as Freud is concerned.  I keep having flashbacks to my child psychology classes, because Jude is clearly going through his Oedipus complex phase.  In the twisted Freud terms that means Jude is in love with me and so decides to be like a guy because he loves me.  Gross.  In real life terms, it means he is realizing that he is separate and different from me, so he is identifying with the male gender which is like him.  Age appropriate- supposed to happen around 4.  And sorry this is so geeked out, but it fascinates me to watch this unfold quite like I learned about 10 years ago in college.

Anyway, Jude sat in the pool and ate just like Pops (my dad).  After this picture was taken, he decided that orange popsicles were his favorite because they are Pops' favorite.  Jude no longer likes purple popsicles because Pops doesn't like them.  You get the idea.  The cutest though was when we all went to buy my birthday present, which was a tent.  My dad was carrying it through the store perched on his shoulder.  While at the store, we also got Jude a sleeping bag.  And guess how Jude had to carry his sleeping bag?  Perched on top of his shoulder just like Pops.  What a little man!  The cutest.  I apologize profusely for not taking a picture.  :(

In other manly events, Jude kept it classy by being shirtless with his pants hanging down and his underwear showing in public.  One night we ate dinner along Lake Houston, which is by my parents house.  They have this mini splash pad in the middle of all these restaurants along the lake.  It's really a fantastic setting.  Plus it's free.  Jude enjoyed following the older girl around the most ;)  Those 7 year old girls are pretty awesome in his opinion.

Saturday we did something 'fun' since my dad was off.  We took Jude to the Houston Children's Museum, which was new for him.  At first, I was a little unsure about it because all the areas seemed geared to older kids.  We did finally find the younger kid section though, and it got much better.  As far as exhibits go, I think his fave was the golf balls.  Basically you roll them over ramps and learn about whatever physics are involved with balls.  My dad was also thrilled.

My mom and I were in the corner with confused looks on our faces.  We do not do physics.  Side note- the issues I had in chemistry and physics and biology in high school were literally ridiculous.  For whatever reason, I managed to always have class with my friend Amy, and we literally ruined every experiment.

* acid burns on a sweater? check
* passed out during a dissection? check
* mouse trap car that didn't move a millimeter? check
* rocket that would not launch? check
* choking on gas because we forgot to turn it off? check

Jude loves science.  All I know is that that is NOT from me!  I digress...

His second favorite thing was this play involving superheroes and a mystery bandit.  He is all over the superheroes these days.  Technically, he doesn't watch these with me, but boys just seem to know this stuff!

At the end, they invite the kids to get on stage with them.  Jude rushed the stage.  He had no inhibitions about dancing and being seen by all.  Again, he did not get this from me.  I am so so shy.  But he loved it- and I love that about him.  He knows no strangers, and immediately embraces everyone.  It's pretty amazing :)

He took a pic with 'Telephone Man' who he is now obsessed with.

As well as some of the 'everyday superheroes' from the play.  Yea!  Overall, it was just a wonderful, relaxing long weekend.  I'm already missing my parents and wishing for the ease of life at their house.

Last Week in Pictures

 Using stickers to make a Pirate Lookout.  Ahoy!

 Gardening and playing in mud puddles

 Playing catch inside because of so much rain.  At least his arm is improving :)

Every southern woman plants crape myrtles...  This one has been shooting up mighty fine.

Why are these two so daggum perfect?

This summer has been so weird for North Texas.  Typically July is spent in sweltering heat of 110*.  That doesn't even include the heat index.  And rain?  Well North Texans typically don't remember what rain is until about October.  But God has blessed us mightily this summer with a low 90s summer and an amazing blessing of rain.  Lord knows we still need more to get our lakes and rivers back up, but He is Providing.  Hallelujah!

Incidentally, you may notice my blog changing.  There for awhile, I considered growing my blog, and I kinda did start to.  And then I realized something- I hate blogging for that.  Don't get me wrong there are a handful of people I am beyond blessed to be 'friends' with now.  I love those people.  But the incessant need to keep up with this link up and that link up and make sure I comment on X number of blogs so said blogger and I can continue to build a 'friendship' got to be overwhelming.  With a few exceptions, I just began to wonder why am I concerned more about online stuff than people I know in real life.  Silly.  

So now I blog when I want.  And I write what I want.  And if there happens to be a link up I already know about, I might do it.  But if not, no big deal.  I say that because if I am not really keeping up with sharing my button with you or yours with me, it's nothing personal.  I just don't feel the need to blog all the time.  Or if I don't comment as much as I once did, it's because I want to focus on real life.  I appreciate all of you who have kept up with me.  I'm still going to be blogging, and if you follow me, you will see it.  But if you don't, thats ok too.  I'm excited for all you who have found your niche with blogging.  It's been pretty wild to see some of you grow so fast!  And that's awesome.  I just wanted those of you to know that I am still reading, but not as closely as before.  Or at least not commenting as much.  But in my heart I do adore you all :)  May God use your blog in amazing ways!

Thankful- summer week 2

This week has been difficult.  Not in any specific way.  Just in an annoying way.  In an --of course that would happen now gah can't I just get a minute to think-- kind of way.  I'm about the worst person in the world when it comes to adapting and going with the flow.  I do not do change of plans well.  I'm what you might call 'obsessive compulsive type A'.  Needless to say, I am having to be intentional about trying to be thankful.  Intentional about remembering to breathe.  Intentional about getting out of the house.  Intentional about art journaling, because seriously, that is so good for me.

Getting out of the house is going to be a must for me this summer.  Today I took Jude to the library, which was great.  He picked out books.  Plus, we have the moments of reading them, which gives us intentional activity.  We also went to a friend's house this afternoon which was fun.  Tomorrow I am going Target-ing for trip needs.  Friday I have book club and friends coming over.  Yippee.  I officially am one of those people who needs to get out of the house as often as possible to stay sane.  Bring all your fun summer toddler activities my way people.  For real!

Despite my stir crazy- I have had awesome moments.

Thankful for this past weekend:  Jude was with his dad Saturday night.  And while that ended up being a pretty huge headache, it did afford me some awesome time with Jimmy.  We went boot scootin' (heckyes) in good ole CowTown (Ft. Worth).  And even better Mark Chestnut was playing there that night.  It was a spur of the moment plan, but it was pretty fun to see him.  I have 100% given up on country as of like 2004 when it became riddled with shizzy pop disguised as country.  However, bring me all your fiddle playing/steel guitar picking/90s country.  Love!  To all you other girls in other parts of the world, I am sorry that you do not get to gaze at your man in boots on the regular.  That is a tragedy for so many Americans.  Two stepping makes my life worth living.  And also makes me love Jimmy more and more.

Monday and Tuesday we were greeted with rainy mornings.  Just a little bit of background- Texas has been in a severe drought state for the past 2 years or something.  I live a bit in the country where two lakes happen to somewhat meet up.  In order to get anywhere, I have to cross parts of the lake.  When I first moved here 3.5 years ago, it actually looked like a lake.  At this point, it is literally mostly dry land.  Not-even-joking.  Severe.  I literally pray everytime I go across (which is at least twice daily basically) that God send rain.  He has answered that prayer soooo much! this spring!  And is still answering it!  I have lived in NTX nearly 10 years.  I've never seen a wet June here in my life!  And to top it off our highs are like 88-93.  Also never happened in the 10 years I've been here.  Highs in the summer here range from 95-100 for June and 100-115 through July and August.  I mean I literally am in heaven right now.  I just kind of want to do a thanksgiving dance on my lawn pretty much daily.

 And then I came inside and saw this.  And I died a little bit.  Why yes I would love to watch my toddler cozy up to Sid the Science Kid while it rains outside and I sip my coffee.  Why no I'm not sure I can think of a better way to spend a summer morning.  Thank you Jesus!!!!

Disclaimer:  This cuteness being said, I'm pretty sure the fact that we've had 2 rainy mornings and have been unable to do fun stuff like go to the pool has been a large reason I am going stir crazy.  That in no way makes me unthankful for the rain.  Still praying for more of it!  But it definitely has shown me that on rainy days, I need to plan ways to get up and go!  Or have ingredients on hand to make cookies just in case?  Something!

This picture is just because.  Cutest sleeping kiddo.

Dear Summer

Dear Summer, (but really to the One who created summer)

I love you.  I love the fresh fruit you bring me.  I love the way it excuses my obsession with fruit dip because at least I'm getting all those yummy antioxidants.  I love making iced tea to drink during your warm days.

I love that thanks to you I have time to sit around eating yummy snacks and making silly faces with this guy.  I love that I have the time to also do things like scrub my bathroom in its entirety.  I love how good it feels to work with my muscles, and not just my brain and emotions.

I love that I can enjoy my house and the spaces I've created- not feel like it is just there for me to flop into exhausted at night.

 I love that I get to listen to this sweet boy's creativity as it flows all. day. long.  I miss so much of his personality the other 3 seasons of the year.  Thank you that you exist to help me 'catch up' on who he is.  Thank you that I get to be the one who gets to put him in his bed for naptime (and even sometimes nap with him.)  Thank you that he shares his thinking with me- like how he arranged his Texas Tech hats on his bed just so, because he loves 'Texas'.

Thank you for the time to stop and sit while Jude shows me his 'cool trick' of running around the benches of the table and hopping over the spaces.  Thank you that there are no rules to you and it's ok if I let him stay in his jammies all day and go to Sonic at 3:00 in the afternoon in his slippers.

Thank you for your heat which makes milkshakes reasonable.  Thank you for the best milkshake partner in the world.  Thanks to him, I never waste my cherries anymore :)

Thank you for the time to go through my closet and get rid of 2 boxes full of stuff that I don't need.  It is so nice to see all the extra space in my house and in my closet.  I promise not to use too many of my free days filling it up with new clothes :)

But more than anything, thank you for the thousands of hugs and I love you's I've gotten from this guy the past 4 days.  Thank you that I was there when he wanted to play a game where he ran all the way from the back door into my arms to give me a hug.  Over and over and over again.  Thank you for the way that while he's playing in the pool sometimes he comes over to tell me he loves me.  Thank you that he is so readily able to express his emotions.  Thank you for the way he looks at me from where he is playing with friends just to wave at me with a huge smile.  Thank you for the incredible ways this child loves others.  1000 gifts and so much grace.

Love, 

Ashley