Laying It All Out There

I never talk about the ups and downs of being a single mom on here.  Mainly, because I would hate to come off as always complaining, and because there are a lot of downs.  Today, though, I guess I'm going to go there because I don't know what else to do.

Here was my afternoon: open my mail, realize I have $100+ doctor bill I need to pay thanks to my crappy insurance I now have thanks to our crappy state government.  I pay it, try to ignore it, and deal with things I have to do such as grocery shopping.  I spend my next 40 minutes entertaining a toddler, trying to make sure he doesn't crush the eggs, and check off my list of things we need.  I get all the way to the check out line and realize I left my wallet at my computer where I paid said dr bill.  The checkout boy said he would save it for me.  Drive all the way home.  Drive all the way back.  I guess the checkout boy thought I meant it was in my car- not that I needed to go home.  Attempt to grocery shop again.  Jude will have none of it.  Cried the whole way home.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal.  But when it's just you and a toddler, things seem to become a bigger deal.  I don't have anyone to tell about how much it sucks to be able to get nothing done on a Sunday.  My weekends consist of damage control involving laundry and dishes that have piled up during the week.  Somewhere in there I attempt to go grocery shopping.  I've been told things like 'clean one room at a time.  you'll feel better'.  Which makes sense until you realize that even that time does.not.exist.  I barely have time to finish the laundry and kitchen weekly.  Which by the way are still a wreck and half done.  I literally fall in to bed dead tired by 9:00 on Saturday.  It's sometimes earlier than that on weeknights.

I'm constantly caught in this guilt trip of I never get to just hang out with Jude/I need to have a social life/I need to make sure we have chores done.  For the past month, I've been wanting to be able to actually have a weekend where I actually played with Jude.  But that never happens because I'm stuck in survival mode.  That is my autopilot.  I don't have the energy to just be a fun mom.  And I hate that for him.  That isn't how I envisioned motherhood.  That's not how I envisioned his childhood.  And that hurts.

I don't really have a point, but I will say this.  If you aren't aware of it, single motherhood is one of the toughest jobs there is.  I know people say with their mouths that oh yea I'm sure your job is really tough.  But I don't know how many 'get it'.  It's beyond exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally.  I have no idea how I haven't gone crazy yet except for the grace of God.  One of these days when I'm beyond this stage of my life and have the ability to actually serve others for Christ, I plan on starting with single moms.  I think a lot of single mom tears fall at His feet on a regular basis.  I know mine do.  So all that to say, I've seen things on the internet about paying it forward and stuff like that.  If you are interested in that.  Start with a single mom.  I think they get overlooked.  Or maybe there's too many of us.

Steppin Out

Friday I stepped out to a murder mystery dinner with some friends.  I didn't really go to solve any crime or gather any clues, although ironically, I did solve it.  I just went because it was a stinkin good excuse to dress up like anything I wanted.

Last Friday at school, we had 80s day, which was all together awesome.  My principal kept joking about how me as an 80s girl looks surprisingly not too unlike my everyday outfit.  I can't help that I rock the legwarmers on a regular basis :)  I try not to discriminate against any decade during the week.  You only live once- why look like everyone else.

Anyway, this murder mystery was a good excuse to dress up 80s again.  Although this time I channeled more of the Joan Jett side with my jacket.  I think my favorite part was that I named myself "Jesse's Girl".  Because, obviously, how can you not sing along to that song.

On me: jacket, go gos shirt, skirt- Target.  legwarmers, H&M.  lace gloves/headband- shirt thrifted and cut up.  rosary- canton flea market.  shoes- thrifted.

Teachers- We Inspire

I wore my hair like this Monday, as well as today.  Apparently, I inspired one of my students to kick it hippie style.  Can I just get a shout out for how awesome kids are and how awesome teaching is?

Also, today I had my observation.  Some comments that were made include, "Excuse me teacher, by there is something wrong with my tummy.  It feels very alone."  And then when we were using thermometers to study the temperature of ice, a student hollers out "Are those filled with blood?"

I just looked at my assistant principal and smiled.  I wanted to say welcome to my world, because this is the most unusual group of students ever. 

In other news, at the beginning of the year, I had only 7 kids on grade level for reading.  I had 12 below level.  I officially now have only 6 below level and 12 on level!!!!  I am celebrating!!!

on Health and Wellness and Tea

Health and Wellness is one of my favorite topics as of late.  The hippie in me has always been on the organic, natural, trust your body, love the earth bandwagon.  Here lately though I have really been going full throttle.

I was blessed with low blood sugar which can cause a whole range of fun side effects.  I'm sure that's where the 'must watch what i eat' kick started.  I've never dieted, and am mostly satisfied with my body (considering I've had a kid...) but I do believe that it is wise to fill your body with good fuel.  I've already posted about my resolutions, but I just am really excited about a couple things I've got going on lately.

1- I have completely detoxed myself from depending on coffee in the morning.  I just can't believe the jitters from too much caffeine are ok.  Today I just spent some time buying an assortment of energizing teas for the morning, as well as relaxing teas for the evening.  Isn't it amazing how God designed the world to naturally combat diseases, bring us peace, bring us energy?  I don't know why we 'reinvent the wheel' all the time, considering the original creator. 

2- I have finally gotten ahold of organic chicken!  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Kroger?  They really have a good, reasonably priced organic section-- as far as organics go.  

3- My raw food diet is changing.  I am now going to be focusing on consuming only raw veggies, meat, and dairy products.  My blood sugar has gone crazy lately.  I don't know if it's the stress of my life or what, but some serious changes are necessary.  Hello sugar free!  So I am doing my best to limit all grains and fruits, except as 'treats' or just a serving of grains a day.  My grocery basket looked interesting today since it was all meat and veggies.  I am going to have to get creative, but I'm really excited about doing what's right for my health.

4- And you know what I would love to find- Christian Yoga.  I love yoga as an exercise, but would love the meditative side focused on Christ.  I haven't found one in Denton, but hopefully soon.

5- I am looking in to essential oils.  I picked up some lavender this week, but I need to learn how to use it.  Basically, I need natural destressers.

Anyway, I just want to say that change is exciting, and making decisions that I believe are right for myself and my family is so empowering.  I never thought it would be such a 'hobby', but it really kind of is.

And on that note, I will leave you with thinking about how much of a dork I really am :)

New Year? Thank goodness!

2010 was the hardest year of my life.  2011 found me putting all these war torn pieces back together.  I don't know what 2012 has in store, but compared to the last 2 years of my life, it has to basically rock.

Things that rocked about 2011:
* I broke free from a lot of hurt/guilt/past that has held me back for years.  I cannot describe to you the power that comes from realizing that God really can satisfy all your emotional needs.  But he can.  This year I've come to know God intimately as Healer and Lover of My Soul.  Being able to say that is so huge for me, because for the longest time I've depended on other peoples opinions to satisfy me, especially significant others opinions.  Now, I really just care about God's opinion.  While relationships are great and I am in no way saying I don't want a relationship, I do know I don't need one.  I am content whether single or married.
* And I am free from the mind warp that came from past relationships.  Now, I can be chewed out by my ex, but it doesn't affect how I think about myself.  I have been emotionally and mentally healed by God.  I can tell the truths from lies.  I'm not saying that when I get text after text it doesn't bother me or that the voice of lies doesn't threaten to come up and say I'm not worth it.  It does, but Satan's voice isn't very loud anymore.  And it takes one scripture quote to shut him up.  hallelujah!
* I have really found my way back to myself.  I've always been something of a free spirit.  I like to live in the moment, as much as is possible as a responsible adult anyway.  I am seeing beauty in each moment again.  It's so amazing.
* 2 year olds rock.  Jude turning 2 has been such a blessing and huge huge joy!
* I am teaching 2nd grade again!  Love that grade!  With a pretty rockin team!
* My sister moved to Dallas!
* I went to a Texas Tech football game!
* I have enjoyed VICs with my lovely Lee crew!
* I have enjoyed Fusion stuff with my DBC crew!

Overall despite the pain, 2011 left me in a good spot, and I am looking forward to seeing where 2012 takes me.  But if it takes me nowhere, that's ok too.  Because whether I stay or whether I go, I know God's got me there for a reason.

My goals this year:

* continue eating as many raw foods as possible.  This has really done wonders for my energy level and my psyche.  I am honestly a happier, more relaxed person.  It's so much easier to choose joy when you've eaten healthy.  I'm not kidding.  Raw food is equal to zoloft in my opinion.
* continue to purge my house of 'bad' products.  Meaning I'm giving up a whole lot of shopping to buy real, organic food, and also to buy all soaps and cleaners that are environmentally friendly.  Specifically, no sulfates.
* Recycling and reusing- I am going to be better about taking my reusable grocery bags!  I am terrible about forgetting them in.my.car!  I'm also going to be taking more recycling to my school.  Aubrey doesn't have city recycling (boo).  But I can take it to school which is awesome because a) I am recylcying and b) it helps my school get money.  Also, I am working on using very few ziploc bags.  Did you know there are 20 million ziploc baggies thrown away daily!!!  You can buy reusable bags at the container store that are bpa free (ziploc is not) and you can reuse them easily.  Plus, they are cute.
* Choosing joy, living in the moment, and being better about letting the free spirit side of me that likes to dance like no ones watching out.  Because life is short, and why not?

The son, the son! Tradition!

 As a little girl, one of my favorite holiday memories was making cookies with my mom.  My absolute favorite part of it was eating the dough, which had a delightful nutmeg flavor.  To this day I am still obsessed with using nutmeg, especially in pancakes.  Yum!

I had wanted to try to start this similar type tradition with Jude using gingerbread cookies.  (Incidently if anyone has a really good gingerbread recipe, please give it to me!  Every year I try a new one and am sadly disappointed...)  Anyway, Jude ended up with pink eye that day so I cut out and baked all the cookies by myself.  Maybe next year we can bake together....

Then I figured well, I can set aside some cookies for him to decorate.  He will just have to eat those cookies and make sure no one else does.  When I was a kid and was more patient and a perfectionist, I put insane amounts of effort into the decorating process.  And I do mean process.  I definitely didn't expect Jude to be as detailed....

He didn't even attempt it.  I stuck him up here with a few cookies.  He definitely went to town on them.  But not decorating them.  He just went to town eating them.  Toddlers :)

In fact, my neat freak child DID NOT LIKE the icing.  He tried to clean it off and greatly lamented getting his hands dirty.

This was all me.  And it was the closest we got to cookie decorating traditions this year.  Next year perhaps?

PS. I don't think I can say the word tradition without wanting to break out in song.  Thank you Fiddler on the Roof.

Last year, I took a picture of a 13/14 month old Jude next to our tiny tree in the back yard.  I wanted to do the same this year.  It's crazy to see how much he's grown.  The tree not so much.  It's amazing how much I just don't have a baby anymore.  And a little sad to think about too.  But I really love how easy Jude is now.  The past couple days he's started saying "Let's Go" and grabbing my hand to go play with him.  Trains, of course.  Today he told me I love you so much mom.  He's so sweet and loving I can hardly stand it.  It's crazy how much you love your kids.