Laying It All Out There

I never talk about the ups and downs of being a single mom on here.  Mainly, because I would hate to come off as always complaining, and because there are a lot of downs.  Today, though, I guess I'm going to go there because I don't know what else to do.

Here was my afternoon: open my mail, realize I have $100+ doctor bill I need to pay thanks to my crappy insurance I now have thanks to our crappy state government.  I pay it, try to ignore it, and deal with things I have to do such as grocery shopping.  I spend my next 40 minutes entertaining a toddler, trying to make sure he doesn't crush the eggs, and check off my list of things we need.  I get all the way to the check out line and realize I left my wallet at my computer where I paid said dr bill.  The checkout boy said he would save it for me.  Drive all the way home.  Drive all the way back.  I guess the checkout boy thought I meant it was in my car- not that I needed to go home.  Attempt to grocery shop again.  Jude will have none of it.  Cried the whole way home.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal.  But when it's just you and a toddler, things seem to become a bigger deal.  I don't have anyone to tell about how much it sucks to be able to get nothing done on a Sunday.  My weekends consist of damage control involving laundry and dishes that have piled up during the week.  Somewhere in there I attempt to go grocery shopping.  I've been told things like 'clean one room at a time.  you'll feel better'.  Which makes sense until you realize that even that time does.not.exist.  I barely have time to finish the laundry and kitchen weekly.  Which by the way are still a wreck and half done.  I literally fall in to bed dead tired by 9:00 on Saturday.  It's sometimes earlier than that on weeknights.

I'm constantly caught in this guilt trip of I never get to just hang out with Jude/I need to have a social life/I need to make sure we have chores done.  For the past month, I've been wanting to be able to actually have a weekend where I actually played with Jude.  But that never happens because I'm stuck in survival mode.  That is my autopilot.  I don't have the energy to just be a fun mom.  And I hate that for him.  That isn't how I envisioned motherhood.  That's not how I envisioned his childhood.  And that hurts.

I don't really have a point, but I will say this.  If you aren't aware of it, single motherhood is one of the toughest jobs there is.  I know people say with their mouths that oh yea I'm sure your job is really tough.  But I don't know how many 'get it'.  It's beyond exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally.  I have no idea how I haven't gone crazy yet except for the grace of God.  One of these days when I'm beyond this stage of my life and have the ability to actually serve others for Christ, I plan on starting with single moms.  I think a lot of single mom tears fall at His feet on a regular basis.  I know mine do.  So all that to say, I've seen things on the internet about paying it forward and stuff like that.  If you are interested in that.  Start with a single mom.  I think they get overlooked.  Or maybe there's too many of us.