Chasing the Fire- Part 1

Jude and I through the looking glass at the Dallas World Aquarium

I am currently reading through Leviticus (just started), Psalms (will be here forever), and finished John today.  Here's what's been really interesting to me- I can make so many "text to text connections" (teacher word) between all 3 texts each day.  And it's kinda so fascinating- I sometimes sneak in an extra set of chapters.  Do you know how crazy it is to think that the Bible is more of a page turner than my New York bestselling novel?  I'm not the 'super Christian' type.  I'm pretty average.  And usually feel pretty steeped in sin.  I say this only to say that anyone can study the Bible and really glean something out of it.  Because it's not about being a super Christian- it's about the Holy Spirit.  He does it, and all of us terrible sinners get to join him for the ride.  #1000 gifts friends, 1000 gifts....

I've got to say Leviticus has been fascinating and convicting.  My heart just doesn't have Jesus on the throne enough.  For a long time my throne was occupied with Michael or someone else.  God removed that idol threw open heart surgery.  And lately I am noticing my idol is trendiness trendiness trendiness. This is driven by a desire to create and recreate.  It's not bad necessarily.  The problem is that it keeps me from having an eternal focus.  And I wonder if it keeps me from hearing God's voice?  

There are two things that have really stuck out to me:

an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the Lord...

This line appears approximately 14 times in 6 chapters.  So given that it is mentioned nearly twice daily in my readings, I've been thinking about it.  In Romans, Paul mentions that our bodies our living sacrifices.  Heard that a million times, but reading through what a sacrifice actually involved is really giving me a fuller understanding.  All these sacrifices were made by fire.  Made by fire.  Looking back, I can think of countless trials in my life.  They have all made me the person I am, for better or worse.  Mostly better, because God has certainly used those more than anything to purify my heart.  Those times where the fire is raging around my life, are the times I am most likely beholding God's face and presence in my life.  Blessed are the persecuted...  And those are the times that my life is an aroma pleasing to the Lord.  Now I am not saying that in the midst of the good times, I am no longer pleasing.  But I will say this, if I am not willingly subjecting myself to the fire of doing more for others than myself or giving more than I spend on myself or being vocal about my faith as opposed to hiding it for popularity's sake, if I am running or hiding from the fire, I might have a problem.  (See the idol on my throne which I am working through...)  No sin is an easy fix, and this is certainly no different.  I am really trying to pray through this and understand what God is saying fully, although I have some ideas.

Here's the other thing:

All the fat is the Lord's - 3:16

There is a good bit mentioned about the fat, although not to the extent of being made by fire.  I am not sure what this means for today, but here are some things I've being playing around with.  (This could be totally wrong, by the way.)  Fat is used to insulate, comfort, protect, add flavor.  It's extra, or as we say in Louisiana, lagniappe.  Thinking in those terms, the fat of my life would be trends, new bands, changing my hair color, shoes, clothes, instagram, fashion blogs...  They add flavor to my life.  They are the little extras that I find interesting and fun.  But they aren't needs.  Those things belong to the Lord first.  None of these things are bad.  I am not saying I needed to be rocking an out of touch with reality look.  In fact, I discourage that, because I think we are supposed to be in the world enough to be able to carry on a normal conversation with anyone of any background/belief/gender/race/sexual orientation/whatever.  But those things should not be what makes me what I am.  I am not of this world.  

But how in the world do I find that balance?  What does a trendy Christian who has surrendered her interests for the sake of Christ look like.  These mainly hold me back in particular area, which I will talk about as God reveals more.  It's kind of hidden in my heart for now.  However, today, what can I do to surrender my love of the trends so that even my love of trends brings Christ glory?

............................................................................................................

I don't know all these answers yet, but here's what I am looking for: ways to chase the fire...  Not the American dream, not my comforts, not myself- not when there is a world out there dying and unreached.  

I have so much to say on this regarding what I've been reading in Psalms and John and Acts... but that will have to wait... 

Please share your thoughts.  I really want this blog to engage me and you in conversation.  I love being challenged and growing from other ideas :)

Pursuing God- My story

For those of you who don't know, I have been a Christian for about 8 years.  Yes, I grew up around it, and while I went through phases of embracing it at times, most of my phases rejected it.  So, in my opinion, it was not until I was 20 that I personally surrendered my life.  And never since that day have I been completely the same.

From the moment I did become a Christian, I have somehow (grace from the Holy Spirit) managed to have a daily quiet time pretty consistently minus weeks of where I'm on vacation or what have you.  And the insanity that is post partum.  

Originally, I have thrown in a devotional book from time to time, but mostly used old Today in the Word copies from my mom (these are mailed to you for free from Moody Bible by the way, and are really fantastic).

However, sometime last year, Tommy Nelson, who's been my pastor for awhile challenged us to be reading 3 chapters of the Bible a day until you read through the Bible.  Repeat cycle throughout your life and hopefully by the time your 40 you should basically know the Bible like the back of your hand.  I was so inspired by this, convicted by this.  I don't know my Bible consecutively like that.  I know some random books.  But not chapter by chapter by chapter.  

And so I started last summer by reading Genesis, Job, and Matthew daily.  My little Today in the Word devotions have mostly fallen to the side, although I do throw those in for a little change up once a week or so.  During the school year, I couldn't keep up with the 3 chapters a day, plus all the journaling of my thoughts and prayers I like to do, plus teaching and being a single mom.  And that is fine.  I switched to a chapter a day.  I haven't given up yet, although it's going to take me years to get through the whole Bible.  The thing is, I'm starting to see that its so worth it.

Currently, I'm at the end of Exodus, the middle of Psalms, and the end of John.  And as I've slowly worked my way through, one thing that is really really sticking out to me is that God actually speaks to me!  I don't need 'help' understanding scriptures because I have the Holy Spirit living in me.  It's just crazy to me how 'alive' Jesus really is within them.  (aside, some months ago I blogged about someone whose story in the Voices of Martyrs convicted me because I realized I didn't recognize how alive Jesus was.  My prayer became that I would see how Jesus is alive in my life.  Prayer- being answered as we speak!)  I'm at the point in Exodus where most of what I am reading is how many cubits tall the tabernacle is etc.  I've never understood the point of these belabored details.  But I have been amazed as I've worked through it at how much there really is to learn.  Namely, God is so sovereign.  God CHOSE people and then ENABLED them with the skills to do this stuff.  Life can seem so daunting when you think of all the things you should be doing.  But you read that and realize God CHOSE me to do something that he is ENABLING me to have the skills to do.  That is God carrying my burdens for me.  That is God walking with me and leading me in all things.  And this is stuff I've learned from the building of the tabernacle!!!

And then recently I read about all the people willingly giving God loads and loads of gold, jewels, etc.  Not because they had to, just wanted to.  That is amazing and convicting.  Especially as an American.  I'm so addicted to fashion blogs and up and coming trends and music and pop culture and changing my hair color and vanity, vanity, vanity.  I've thought a lot about foreign missions here in the last couple of years as I've become obsessed with voices of the martyrs.  And one day, thats pretty much what I want to do.  But the thing that currently freaks me out about it is the loss of personal comfort and all my hobbies (see music and fashion).  I was so convicted of that this week.  But I hope that at least now that I am so strongly aware, at least I can start letting go.

I am currently reading "The Pursuit of God" by Tozer - highly recommend.  Chapter 2 deals with this so specifically.  There were other idols in my life the first 7 years of my Christian walk (another blog for another day), that I completely had the Abraham experience of being asked to put it to death.  Painful, gut wrenching, but I can honestly say I am free from those idols.  (Not that I don't have to continuously keep myself in Christ to avoid those resurfacing or anything...)  It's just crazy because as soon as you realize one is gone, another pops up.  And this I am struggling with now.  Except this time, I want to be willing to surrender it without have to walk the valley until I have no other option to surrender.  Hard to even consider when you have the lifetime American habit of consuming, consuming, consuming....

And so my prayers from those who read is this: that God would make me willing to surrender it all at a moments notice if that was necessary, that I would 'possess nothing' but realize that God is my only possession, and that I would be able to recognize where He wants me to be.  

And my challenge- if you have ever been afraid by the daunting task of reading through the Bible and how the heck you would make it through things like Leviticus- stop! being! afraid!  God really did put those in there for a reason- and you can actually learn so much.  It may just be one line out of the whole chapter- but that line will be powerful!  And honestly the reading through 3 sections is nice because it keeps it fresh :)  Try it!  You will never go back to sheer devotionals again.  Although I do recommend a study Bible to explain some things along the way though :)

And coming soon- I will write about how my Abraham experience, how God had me surrender what I held most on to, and the beauty of letting go and being filled by God....

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Restatement

A couple of months ago I wrote this post.  Yet this week I returned from a trip to see my brother to a stupid comment from some anonymous person.  So whoever you were go back and read that blog.  I'm not interested in your opinions.

On attachment parenting

Many of you have seen the time article featuring the mom nursing her 3 year old.  I'm not going to get in to whether or not that shot was appropriate.  It was marketing.  It sells.

Regardless, I am going to take a minute and talk about attachment parenting and why for some people, it works.  I would say that my own style is moderately attachment based.  I never set out to be an attachment parent.  I can't even say I researched parenting styles- ever.  It's just what worked for me, it worked for Jude, and that's good enough for me.  As time has gone on though, I've realized 'oh I guess thats me' since so many of the attachment things I did.

The most controversial of attachment beliefs is the breastfeeding.  And this is the one thing I'm the most passionate about.  Not because there are so many formula fed babies out there.  Just because there are so many moms who are completely ignorant of how to prepare your body to nurse, what it takes to sustain nursing, and why nursing and formula are not comparable.  If you research breastfeeding vs formula and still decide to formula feed, I can respect that decision.  But if you formula feed without researching what you're doing, I'm sorry, I think you should rethink that.  It's just like politics.  Don't pick a side until you've researched it.  So with that in mind, how many people turned up their noses at the idea of breastfeeding a toddler had actually researched extended breastfeeding.  Probably not many.

I'm not going to tell you why I believe in extended breastfeeding right now.  Or why I am proud of the fact I breastfed Jude for 17 months (while dealing with being a single mom and going through a pretty gruesome divorce and working 40+ hours a week and still being in charge of the house and dinner and laundry.  Don't ever tell me you're too busy to nurse.  I won't buy it.)  But I am going to hook you up with some sweet research.

* The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding exclusively until 6 months, while still breastfeeding along with solids until 2 years old. 
---- http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

* The American Pediatric Association recommends breastfeeding a minimum of 1 year.  Which means we can infer going longer is preferable.
---- http://www2.aap.org/breastfeeding/

* Notice the bottom that says the longer you breastfeed the lower your risk of breast cancer.  Get on that platform Susan G. Komen....
--- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12133652

* The best way to prevent food and skin allergies is to breastfeed
---- http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/healthday/080107/breast-feeding-seems-to-protect-against-some-allergies.htm

* Formula leads to diabetes risk
---- http://diabetes.diabetesjournals.org/content/48/7/1389




That can get you started.  I was trying to find one I read about an enzyme that appears in breastmilk around 6 months that coats the baby's intestines with this protective film.  They think this helps prevent food allergies.  I mean God designed this perfectly for the baby.  Perfectly.  Only he knew that they would need this at the time solids are introduced.  Sovereign.  There are countless articles on how perfectly designed breast milk is for a baby.  It's beyond me why people don't realize that God made us a certain way for a reason.

And finally, my other soapbox.  Now there is no support scientifically for breastfeeding a 3 year old and I get that.  However, I'm not going to make judgements on what works for them.  I will say this though.  We need to stop being so uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding.  It's not gross.  It's beautiful.  It was designed by the Creator.  There is something beautiful about a mom continuously selflessly giving of herself to her child.  And isn't that what Christ did for us.  Here is my body broken for you that you may have life.  That's what breastfeeding moms do every day- many times a day.  That's true, godly love the way it was designed to be.  Women who are breastfeeding shouldn't have to feel they need to hide under a blanket or in a corner.  It's something beautiful and something to admire and something to be proud of.  Motherhood is an amazing testament to sacrificial love.  Instead of judging and being uncomfortable, respect it.  That mom is doing a selfless, beautiful thing.

Weekend Thoughts

This week- has been quite a week.  I went to study the prairie with my kiddos.  The good news is there were loads of Indian blankets and butterflies.  It was beautiful.  (I have loads of pics on facebook.  Or you can follow me on instagram at thistleashd.  Or you can follow me on twitter also at thistleashd)  More good news- I managed to only get one chigger bite.  The bad news one of my kids got dehydrated, which was beyond scary.  All the more reason to thank your local firemen who come to rescue of little 8 year olds and freaked out teachers.  Then, that evening I got some disturbing news which just made me further rethink ever dating again.  Why are there so many sketchy guys in the world?  Beyond me.

Tuesday- I realized my facebook account had yet again been hacked by craziest ex girlfriend of my ex husband.  Does anyone have a good explanation for some girl who signs into my facebook account to randomly friend my ex's friends and send them friend requests on my behalf?  I'd love to hear it.  Weird is all I've come up with.  I put my facebook on lockdown.  And used an email that is federally offensive to hack.  Boom shaquita!  I spent some time with some good friends.  Not much to complain about there.  Except that in the end of my night a friend once again went off about his love for me.  It's not as sweet or cute as you might imagine.  It's mainly just frustrating.  And so complicated I can't begin to understand or explain it.  Which made me think I should start dating soon.  Ha- jk.  But it would make it easier for him to keep his thoughts in line I think.

Wednesday- I spent my time dealing with and working through all these emotions.  The stress, the disappointment in people.  It was raw and it was real and it was part of life.  But you know what I love about when my emotions are the most raw- how much I crave God then.  I know people like to complain about how we never crave God when it's good.  I see their point.  But I also love knowing that in the times of disappointment, God never disappoints.  Amazing considering how often I disappoint.

Thursday- I spent time dealing with explaining things to my parents.  Who I are always ready to give me another perspective on my life and the random issues it brings.  Plus, I met a friend at Wine2 and then saw a local production of Fiddler on the Roof!  Winning!  (ps I'm sorry but I love using that word. Thank you Courtney from the Bachelor.)

Friday- Today was field day.  Damani made a rap about it.  He also made a rap about Mother's Day on Thursday.  Someone please tell me where I will find another student who makes up raps for me on a regular basis?!?!?!  Best year ever?  Kind of.  I finished my kids reading levels for the year.  I only have   2 at risk.  3 progressing and 15 on or above level.  Which is definitely higher than last year.  Also, considering some of these came in reading at a K level, progress was definitely made!  Praise God!

Quotes of the week:

* Momma, you a princess?  (based off a dress I wore)

* Let me read you a famous book

And my favorite "I lub you momma"

Things I'm pondering:

* politics- why do I strongly disagree with every candidate?  What is the real call of a Christian in a political world?  How do you best take a stand for Christ while loving the world as you're called to?  Why are so many Christians unable to take a stand where the guidelines are clear?  Why do some Christians turn guidelines into battle grounds when love is also so clear?

* life- what do I really want out of it?  What does God really want me to be doing?  I'm really feeling like I'm getting to the place that I really want to move forward.  I'm finding all my fears ebbing, which can only  be an act of the Holy Spirit.  And so the natural next question is where from here?  This is more just exciting, because I know God has great things in store.  I just don't know what to do next.

* motherhood- why is single motherhood so hard?  I am really struggling to find the right balance between my role for Jude and my role for myself.

* the end of the school year- I will never get it all done.  Good gosh.

* Ecclesiastes- what is the 'time' for my life right now?  I think it's a time to try to find God's path, and time to seek peace, and a time to trust.  As always, anxiety gets the best of me sometimes.

So all in all it's been a time for reflection this week.  I think I'm realizing that I need to walk forward in faith without being afraid to leave some people or things behind.  This is true is so many ways.  It's a time for a new path though.  Only God know where that will lead.

As always, if you read this, I covet your prayers- for my wisdom, for peace, for patience...

Sort Of

This week has been one of those weeks where nothing I do seems to be right.  To anyone.  I suppose this is normal, but it's been so hard.  And so in so many ways this is my song this week, especially the "if I was stronger" part.  

I don't feel very strong this week.  I feel like I'm very ungrounded and carried about by the wind.  The wind can be both refreshing and frightening.  The Christian life is very much meant to be lived as one blown by the wind of the Holy Spirit.  God's plans sometimes feel so unpredictable, and to say that it's an easy, predictable ride is a lie.  But there's so much freedom in that lack of knowledge.  Maybe it's just my inner bohemian talking, but I love the idea of not knowing what tomorrow holds.  Who am I going to meet?  What am I going to do?  Where will I end up?  Tethered to Christ, the wind can take me anywhere without fear.

On the flip side, wind can also cause hurricane or tornado like damage.  Without a firm foundation, life can pick you up and carry you so far away you wonder who you are and what you've become.  You can't recognize your own character anymore.  I've been there before.  Being there led me to Christ.

The crazy thing about this week (and it's only Wednesday) is that I feel like I've been in both places.  This week I've done some interesting things and met some interesting people.  And I know those are only because God has a hold of my string and I am the kite flying high under His provision.  My kite has come close to some things that aren't that great, but I haven't worried because I know who holds the string.  Ya know.  

And I've also felt like the hurricane.  Because sometimes it's easy to get distracted by other things.  To forget why you've been put in someone's life.  To forget what you are meant to represent to a certain person.  I've let myself down because I wanted to be so much stronger than I ended up being.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry I let myself get carried away.  

In that moment, you realize that only one thing matters and it's the only thing that ever mattered.  Grace.  Praise the Lord for the ability to try again another day.  Grace that has my kite string even if I take the wrong tail wind and nose dive.  Grace that is flying me higher and higher to the places I'm meant to go, no matter what scenic routes I try.  Grace that brings freedom, true freedom.  And for that, I am always and forever thankful.