Thoughts on the Prodigal Son

I recently read Luke 15 during a quiet time, which includes the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  I love this story.  You can't read it and not be touched by the Father's Love for His children.  This isn't the first time I read it since my seperation/divorce, but I guess it's the first time I've read since divorce where I actually have gained perspective on everything.

What really got me thinking today was "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him".  It reminded me of another verse which I love from Romans 8:26 which says "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  I have already been meditating on Romans a lot the past couple weeks.  I actually started thinking about it when it was my turn to give my testimony in small group.  I ended up too choked up to finish my story, but that verse has a lot to do with it.

Looking back over the end of my marriage, all I see is God's hand.  And God's mercy.  I certainly married the wrong guy.  I certainly in some ways deserved to reap the results of an unwise decision.  But while I was still a long way off, my father saw me and was filled with compassion.  So far off, that I didn't even know that I needed to turn and head the other direction.

There were nights upon nights where I cried out to God in the midst of my marriage.  All of those prayers centered on changing myself and changing Michael, because I was determined for it to work.  Divorce was the farthest thing from my mind.  I cried out to God with everything in me.  I had no idea that the Holy Spirit was interceding for me in a way I could never have expected.  I never ever prayed for God to get me out of my marriage.  The Holy Spirit did.  (Now, I know people like to hang on to the fact that God hates divorce.  Before you comment, watch what you say if you don't know my story.)

It took a lot of clear signs from God for me to realize that he was leading me in the direction of divorce.  He literally had to open me up to the idea, because nothing in me would have gone there on my own.  God's love for me was so great, that he saved me from something I didn't know I truly needed to be saved from.  I had been telling myself that it could be fixed, all the while I was allowing myself to be 'dead' and 'lost' to the person I truly am.  But the Holy Spirit interceded for me and the Father met me while I was still a long way off.

I sat on the fence for awhile between the 2 decisions.  I had these visions almost in the midst of this of myself holding Jude with one arm and a scarlet thread.  I felt that like Rahab, I was being given this one chance at escape.  I could either step out in faith and be delivered to the promised land.  Or I could doubt and have my entire world crumble around me.  I poured through a study on Rahab in the midst of making that decision finally settling on Joshua 1:9- be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go.

That promise has absolutely been true.  As soon as I finished that week long study, I took the scarlet thread God had given me and never looked back.  God was truly with me in the most personal sense I'd ever experienced.  Sometimes it was like I could literally feel him sheltering me and covering me.  These past 2 years have marked such an intimacy in my relationship with God to where he has really become the Lover of my Soul.  It's been an extremely difficult 2 years (still is usually difficult), but I can honestly say I've never felt more provided for or loved or satisfied.  And I am so thankful I have a Holy Spirit who understands my hurts more than I ever could and prays for things I don't know I need and so thankful I have a Father who seeks me out and so thankful that I have a Christ who is alive who makes all this possible.

People who Inspire Me

I've mentioned it before, but I absolutely love the Voices of the Martyrs newletters/magazine that I get every month.  Every month (or few- I'm actually bad about finishing things on time) when I sit down to read the stories, I am just amazed by God's power.  I mean really.  You can't not be encouraged by hearing how the Holy Spirit is working in the midst of people's lives.  And these are people who are literally being persecuted in the 'traditional' sense.  Physical, emotional torment persecution.  And yet they cling so adamately to Christ.  It's inspiring- the right kind of inspiring.

It's a really great organization to support.    VOM features stories and interviews of actual people and then lists the ways they are using money donated to further the gospel.

Here are some quotes I loved from a recent issue

* China- "I am happy that you and others tried to arrange for my release (imprisoned) but in one way I am happy that you failed.  You almost made a big mistake.  If you had been successful, there would be no church in that prison today."

---- I mean did you catch that.  A big mistake.  Release from prison a big mistake.  Now don't take this the wrong way, but in the church we make this huge deal out of all that Paul did for the early church.  He definitely deserves the respect, and he is one of my favorite Christian heroes.  I guess what amazes me, is that there are still 'Pauls' alive today.  People who still live as if "to live is Christ, to die is gain".  I'm not one of those people at all.  I am the queen of keeping things PC when it comes to religion in the real world.  Because I don't want to ruin relationships.  But these people have such focus, and I admire them greatly.  I want to be like that.  Also how amazing is God's sovereignty.  There is no situation too dismal that God does not bring blessing out of if we are faithful to keep our eyes on him.  Even prison.  I just love it.  I love how God works so many intricate details of our lives for His glory and ultimately our good.

* Pakistan- "Our Christ sacrificed his life on the cross for our sins... Our Christ is alive."- Asia Bibi

--- A couple reasons that quote stuck out to me.  For one thing, this lady was arrested, tortured, imprisoned, and given the death sentence for those 2 sentences.  She is currently waiting for either a miraculous release from prison so she can return to her family.  Or waiting to be executed.  You can sign a petition at www.callformercy.com through VOM who is working with the Pakistani Embassy to allow Asia to be pardoned.  (see why I love this- real issues, real action, real results)
--- The other reason this quote stuck out to me was her saying that 'Our Christ is Alive'.  I got so convicted because I have to admit, I think I take for granted that Christ is Alive.  Don't get me wrong, walking through the marriage I had, the divorce, the single parenthood, I have no doubt Christ is Alive.  I literally have felt Him carry me through all of this.  I know he's alive.  But I don't think I've ever considered how marvelous that really is.  How it really sets Christianity apart.  Buddha is a mere statue.  Vishnu is a statue.  But Christ is alive.  I'm still trying to just meditate on that -- just to wrap my mind around it so I don't take for granted that beautiful truth any longer.  Christianity is so blessed, so amazingly different from all other religions.  I just love how that was what mattered to Asia in the midst of a muslim world.  I'm trying to experience more 'My Christ is Alive' moments this week.  It's just so unfathomably great.

What's Christ teaching you this week?  I'd love to hear and be encouraged by it!

This weekend

Please don't die that I am actually blogging.  I realize this is like the 5th blog post in the year 2012, and that is beyond pathetic.  What is it about single mom/teacher that makes blogging impossible?  time!  We actually have been up to a lot.  I have loads of picture I would love to get around to editing and sharing (like christmas pics!  or last weekend at the children's museum).  I make 0 promises about getting around to that, and I'm sorry.

This weekend things have slowed down.  This is mainly due to the fact that Jude came down with fever/croup Thursday night.  For the most part, he is not complaining.  Sleeping can be difficult, but it's managable.  The biggest thing it's affected is his apetite.  I am desperately trying to get him to eat or drink anything, but he's really not interested.  He mostly is just laying around watching tv.  If you know Jude, you know this is telling because this kid doesn't stop.

It has given me a chance to just have time.  Oh that coveted precious lover, time.  I had to take Friday off, so it's given me a 'three day weekend'.  I've been able to get all caught up with my grades which are due tomorrow for progress reports.  I have spent hours cuddling with Jude.  I actually watched a movie (shut the front door- that never happens!).  I've read some Voices of the Martyrs articles.  I've read my Bible.  I've read my book, Millenials.  (Oh why yes, I am a nerd who reads sociology books in my spare time.)  It's been kinda nice.

See the first pick?  That cat is the cutest, fattest, fluffiest cat I've ever seen.  Jude is IN LOVE with that cat.  But alas, his love is unrequited.  You can see Jude in the pic trying to follow him.  Yet, the cat walks away despite Jude's adorable pleas for the cat to come back.  Oh if only Cat knew how deep Jude's love was for him.  It's unfortunate for Jude that I am deathly allergic to cats, because he is in love with them.  One of his favorite activities is to pretend to be a kitty.  Adorable.

Picture below:  it's been a rainy, chilly weekend in North Texas.  I've loved every second of it.  The sounds of rain on the windows, the grayness making you want to cuddle, the refreshing cleanness of the after rain smell.  I don't think I could photograph more perfection if I tried.

Thank you Jesus for the perfect weekend, minus the whole Jude being sick thing.  Hope your weekend was lovely.

Laying It All Out There

I never talk about the ups and downs of being a single mom on here.  Mainly, because I would hate to come off as always complaining, and because there are a lot of downs.  Today, though, I guess I'm going to go there because I don't know what else to do.

Here was my afternoon: open my mail, realize I have $100+ doctor bill I need to pay thanks to my crappy insurance I now have thanks to our crappy state government.  I pay it, try to ignore it, and deal with things I have to do such as grocery shopping.  I spend my next 40 minutes entertaining a toddler, trying to make sure he doesn't crush the eggs, and check off my list of things we need.  I get all the way to the check out line and realize I left my wallet at my computer where I paid said dr bill.  The checkout boy said he would save it for me.  Drive all the way home.  Drive all the way back.  I guess the checkout boy thought I meant it was in my car- not that I needed to go home.  Attempt to grocery shop again.  Jude will have none of it.  Cried the whole way home.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal.  But when it's just you and a toddler, things seem to become a bigger deal.  I don't have anyone to tell about how much it sucks to be able to get nothing done on a Sunday.  My weekends consist of damage control involving laundry and dishes that have piled up during the week.  Somewhere in there I attempt to go grocery shopping.  I've been told things like 'clean one room at a time.  you'll feel better'.  Which makes sense until you realize that even that time does.not.exist.  I barely have time to finish the laundry and kitchen weekly.  Which by the way are still a wreck and half done.  I literally fall in to bed dead tired by 9:00 on Saturday.  It's sometimes earlier than that on weeknights.

I'm constantly caught in this guilt trip of I never get to just hang out with Jude/I need to have a social life/I need to make sure we have chores done.  For the past month, I've been wanting to be able to actually have a weekend where I actually played with Jude.  But that never happens because I'm stuck in survival mode.  That is my autopilot.  I don't have the energy to just be a fun mom.  And I hate that for him.  That isn't how I envisioned motherhood.  That's not how I envisioned his childhood.  And that hurts.

I don't really have a point, but I will say this.  If you aren't aware of it, single motherhood is one of the toughest jobs there is.  I know people say with their mouths that oh yea I'm sure your job is really tough.  But I don't know how many 'get it'.  It's beyond exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally.  I have no idea how I haven't gone crazy yet except for the grace of God.  One of these days when I'm beyond this stage of my life and have the ability to actually serve others for Christ, I plan on starting with single moms.  I think a lot of single mom tears fall at His feet on a regular basis.  I know mine do.  So all that to say, I've seen things on the internet about paying it forward and stuff like that.  If you are interested in that.  Start with a single mom.  I think they get overlooked.  Or maybe there's too many of us.

Steppin Out

Friday I stepped out to a murder mystery dinner with some friends.  I didn't really go to solve any crime or gather any clues, although ironically, I did solve it.  I just went because it was a stinkin good excuse to dress up like anything I wanted.

Last Friday at school, we had 80s day, which was all together awesome.  My principal kept joking about how me as an 80s girl looks surprisingly not too unlike my everyday outfit.  I can't help that I rock the legwarmers on a regular basis :)  I try not to discriminate against any decade during the week.  You only live once- why look like everyone else.

Anyway, this murder mystery was a good excuse to dress up 80s again.  Although this time I channeled more of the Joan Jett side with my jacket.  I think my favorite part was that I named myself "Jesse's Girl".  Because, obviously, how can you not sing along to that song.

On me: jacket, go gos shirt, skirt- Target.  legwarmers, H&M.  lace gloves/headband- shirt thrifted and cut up.  rosary- canton flea market.  shoes- thrifted.

Teachers- We Inspire

I wore my hair like this Monday, as well as today.  Apparently, I inspired one of my students to kick it hippie style.  Can I just get a shout out for how awesome kids are and how awesome teaching is?

Also, today I had my observation.  Some comments that were made include, "Excuse me teacher, by there is something wrong with my tummy.  It feels very alone."  And then when we were using thermometers to study the temperature of ice, a student hollers out "Are those filled with blood?"

I just looked at my assistant principal and smiled.  I wanted to say welcome to my world, because this is the most unusual group of students ever. 

In other news, at the beginning of the year, I had only 7 kids on grade level for reading.  I had 12 below level.  I officially now have only 6 below level and 12 on level!!!!  I am celebrating!!!

on Health and Wellness and Tea

Health and Wellness is one of my favorite topics as of late.  The hippie in me has always been on the organic, natural, trust your body, love the earth bandwagon.  Here lately though I have really been going full throttle.

I was blessed with low blood sugar which can cause a whole range of fun side effects.  I'm sure that's where the 'must watch what i eat' kick started.  I've never dieted, and am mostly satisfied with my body (considering I've had a kid...) but I do believe that it is wise to fill your body with good fuel.  I've already posted about my resolutions, but I just am really excited about a couple things I've got going on lately.

1- I have completely detoxed myself from depending on coffee in the morning.  I just can't believe the jitters from too much caffeine are ok.  Today I just spent some time buying an assortment of energizing teas for the morning, as well as relaxing teas for the evening.  Isn't it amazing how God designed the world to naturally combat diseases, bring us peace, bring us energy?  I don't know why we 'reinvent the wheel' all the time, considering the original creator. 

2- I have finally gotten ahold of organic chicken!  Have I ever mentioned how much I love Kroger?  They really have a good, reasonably priced organic section-- as far as organics go.  

3- My raw food diet is changing.  I am now going to be focusing on consuming only raw veggies, meat, and dairy products.  My blood sugar has gone crazy lately.  I don't know if it's the stress of my life or what, but some serious changes are necessary.  Hello sugar free!  So I am doing my best to limit all grains and fruits, except as 'treats' or just a serving of grains a day.  My grocery basket looked interesting today since it was all meat and veggies.  I am going to have to get creative, but I'm really excited about doing what's right for my health.

4- And you know what I would love to find- Christian Yoga.  I love yoga as an exercise, but would love the meditative side focused on Christ.  I haven't found one in Denton, but hopefully soon.

5- I am looking in to essential oils.  I picked up some lavender this week, but I need to learn how to use it.  Basically, I need natural destressers.

Anyway, I just want to say that change is exciting, and making decisions that I believe are right for myself and my family is so empowering.  I never thought it would be such a 'hobby', but it really kind of is.

And on that note, I will leave you with thinking about how much of a dork I really am :)